Over that last week I have spent some time reading other blogs, written by women whom have also lost a baby. Some of them are so sad and these women have no hope. But the other night I was up really early (2am) and I found Loving Audrey a blog written by a women who has such an amazing faith in God. I do not believe I found this blog by accident, I think that the Lord led me to this blog that other night. I was so encouraged and blessed by what Michelle has written. Since beginning to read her blog I have found two other blogs from women with incredible faith. When I read what they have written about the loss they have suffered I see such a peace from them. Each of these women have good and bad days, but in their hearts they know that God has a greater plan in mind for each them.
I cannot begin to understand why God chose to take Emily from this world and from our family. But despite not understanding why, and being mad at God, and wishing our baby girl was still in this world, I have a peace about all the happened from the beginning. I want to know what the greater plan is now so that I can say, "this is why it had to happen," but I understand that God's timing is not my timing.
I know that in the short time Emily was alive she touched many lives. The fact that Emily stopped breathing and the doctors had given up and turned off the machines and then she started to breath again is amazing. I thank God that we had that extra time with Emily. One thing that stands out to me right now as I think about that night in the NICU was Emily's doctor, Dr. Andy.
Dr. Andy was not the doctor who delivered Emily, but he was the doctor on duty when she took her last breath. We spent a lot of time talking to him about the choices we needed to make and how long we wanted them to try and keep Emily alive. Dr. Andy was so sensitive to our feeling and I am sure he had to explain some things to us several times, but he was never frustrated or flustered by anything that happened. He took everything in stride. At one point I remember him asking us if we were believers, to which we replied yes. He told us he had a feeling but wanted to make sure. Then he asked us if he could pray with and for us.
In all honesty I do not have a lot of experience with doctors, but I am sure this is not something they do on a normal basis. I truly believe that Dr. Andy was there to be a comfort to us and to be an instrument of God. Based on everything Dr. Andy told us he would have kept working on Emily until she just could not take any more if that was what we wanted. But he told us that her little body was not responding to the additional life saving measures and if we wanted, we could spend the last minutes of Emily's life holding her and then let her go peacefully.
I am so thankful for the wonderful nurses and doctors in the NICU that night. They showed us such love and support in such a difficult time. I am so sad that other than Dr. Andy I do not remember any of their names, but despite that I will be forever grateful to them for everything they did for Emily and for our family on January 26, 2011. And I thank God for placing those nurses and doctors in our path that night.
12 hours ago