Wednesday, January 25, 2012

One Year Ago

Dear Emily,
It has been a long time since I wrote you a letter. But tonight a letter seems the most appropriate way to express how I feel. I am just 16 days away from my due date with your baby sister. That's right you are going to be a big sister. I have wondered since I got pregnant with you sister if I would deliver her on your birthday. I have prayed that it would be your day and that you and your sister would not have to share the date. At this point it does not look like she is coming tomorrow, but a lot can change fast.
I have been functioning really well the last few months. I miss you so much, but life has gone on and soon we will have a new little one in our family. Welcoming your baby sister does not mean that we will love you any less or think of you any less, but life is going to change for us again. Oh how I wish you were here with us celebrating your first birthday. But if you were here with us, then I would not be pregnant with your baby sister. I know that God had a plan for your short life and I also know He has a plan for your baby sister, who will be joining or family soon.

I have been thinking about you a lot today and how much you changed my life and our family's life in your short 23 weeks 3 days and 10 hours of life. I am so thankful to be your mommy. I can't wait until I get to see you again in Heaven.

I love you forever and always,

Tomorrow is Emily Faith's 1st birthday. Life has been so busy and crazy lately and I have been so focused on my current pregnancy and getting us all moved in before little Neptune is born that I have not spent much time thinking about how we would commemorate Emily's birthday and death. I was even at the point where I was not sure I wanted to do anything. But tonight it has hit me hard. It was a year ago that I was in the hospital and we were making a final decision about her name. A year ago was a rough night for me, I had contractions all night and the next morning it became obvious that I would be delivering that day, January 26th.

Up until a few days ago I had really thought that I would have a brand new baby at home by now. I never thought that I would make it this far in a pregnancy. I am so excited that I have, but at the same time I really wish I was holding this baby, and that there was not the chance that this little one could be born tomorrow. I had it all planned out, but I know God has other plans, and while His plans don't always fit with mine...His are perfect. I know this little girl will come at the perfect time for her.

I have decided that we will keep tomorrow simple. Maddie and I are going to make cupcakes with pink frosting and then when my husband gets home from work tomorrow night we will release three pink balloons for Emily. The rest of the day I plan to keep as normal a schedule as I can. I think it is what is best for our whole family.

I am not sure what to expect from tomorrow, but I know that it is probably going to be a bit of a difficult day.

Friday, January 20, 2012

A Move & Full Term

I think that if you asked most people they would say that a women in her third trimester who decides to move is crazy. Well I am that crazy women. But it came down to moving a month after the baby is born or just before and we decided that the least crazy option was to move before her arrival. I am thankful though that it was not a long distance move. We only moved about 5 miles, but even a move that small requires work (packing, move everything, and then unpacking). It is like nesting to the extreme.

I have been surprised at how much energy I have actually had the last week, that's right we started moving just about a week ago, when I was 36 weeks pregnant. We (when I say we I mean my husband and some of his friends, I was very good to only life light items) moved all of our large furniture on Sunday and that was also our first official night sleeping in our new place. Since Sunday I have been working like a mad women trying to get everything unpacked, since I know it is only a matter of days or weeks until our little girl decides to join our family.

And as the title suggests, today I am considered FULL TERM. I never thought I would get to say that. Now our little girl can come anytime. We are moved in, almost completely unpacked and I reached a milestone in pregnancy that I never thought I would.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive during this pregnancy. I am so excited for this year 2012. As a friend of mine said to me last night "hopefully this will be a year of healing and happiness." There are so many baby loss moms who are expecting their rainbow baby or babies, it is so exciting.   

Monday, January 16, 2012

More Pregnant Than I Ever Have Been

Last Wednesday I was finally more pregnant than I ever have been. It is so strange to me to be this pregnant. I am entering a whole new territory. I guess all along I just assumed that I could not carry a baby to full term. Now I am starting to think that maybe my body can do it. On Friday I will be 37 weeks and considered full term.
There are moments when I will stop and think I have not felt the baby move in awhile and then worry. I think it is natural to worry a bit, even though I wish I wouldn't. Usually if I eat or drink something and lay down for a few minutes she starts to move and I feel much better.
One of my hopes for this pregnancy was to be huge and miserable. Well, I feel huge. I am not really miserable, just uncomfortable. But I am not complaining. I am so thankful for this little life growing inside me and for every moment that I am pregnant.

In just 10 days it will be one year since Emily was born and then died. It is so strange to me that it has already been a whole year. So much has happened in the last year. Life has changed so much. I miss my little girl so much, but know that her sister would not be about ready to make her appearance if we had not lost Emily.

I have been thinking a lot about how I want to celebrate Emily's life and remember her. But I am just not sure what I want to do. I have thought about making pink cupcakes and having a private family time and also doing a balloon release. Then I think about the fact that I will be almost 38 weeks pregnant and could even possible be in the hospital on January 26th (Emily's Birthday).

I think I have come to the conclusion that I will have things ready to celebrate on January 26th and then see where I am on that day.
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