Tuesday, June 28, 2011

An Update of Sorts

I feel like I have not been writing much lately, I think sometimes life gets in the way and the best of intentions seems to fall away as life moves on.

Life has been so crazy for us the last few weeks. My husband started a new job, and there has been a lot of adjustment since his work hours are a lot longer than we have been used to in the last several years. This adjustment has also included changing Maddie's bedtime, which has not been very successful. I have been trying to keep her up later so that she can spend time with daddy when he gets home from work. Our hope was that she would then sleep in a bit in the morning. Well the opposite happened, she now goes to bed at 9pm and gets up at 5am. So we are planning on changing her schedule back to early bed time. I sure hope it helps.

We have also started potty training. We have a good day and then a not so good day, but I have decided to take a casual approach on potty training so if she goes it is great and we celebrate, but if she has an accident we just change and move on with our day. She is not even 2 1/2 yet, so I think she is doing just fine. It also helps me to be more casual since I was just getting frustrated with all the accidents.

While life continues to move on and I have to move on with it, there are times that I wish time could freeze for just stay in the moment. As time moves on I get further away from Emily. It has now been 5 months since we said goodbye. It was late in the day on June 26th that I even slowed down enough to remember it was 5 months ago that we hello and goodbye to Emily. I have days like that now, that I am so busy going here and there and caring for a toddler, my husband, the house, and myself that I realize I have go through the whole day and not thought about Emily. And that really makes me sad. I don't ever want to forget her. I know I won't forget her, but as time goes on it is harder to remember sometimes.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Did I?

I have been reading on many blogs lately about how as time goes by you feel further away from the child that you lost. I had not really understood that thought until this morning.

I am not even sure what triggered the thought, I was sleeping and the next minute I was thinking about Emily and how long it has been, in 5 days it will have been 5 months since we said goodbye. It always seems like the days leading up to an important day are the hardest, for me, so far, the actually day has been easy compared to the days before.

This morning I was thinking about the last time I held Emily. She was disconnected from all the wires and tubes that were keeping her alive and placed on my chest. It is strange the things I remember, when I remember them. I remember that they placed her really high on my chest. I remember this because when I tried to kiss her while she was on my chest I could not bend my neck enough to actually be able to kiss her. While I was holding Emily she took two more small shallow breaths. I do not know the exact second when she passed from this life into the arms of Jesus. I just held her for a long time. I know that the time we spent with her was not really that long in the grand sceam of things, but it sure felt like a second and a lifetime at the same time.

As I thought about Emily on my chest this morning and trying to kiss her, I began to wonder if I every did actually kiss her before I let her go. I was in such shock that day. Most of what happened in the days leading up to Emily's birth and death are a blur. I probably did kiss her, but memories like those are slipping away the further I get from her.

I have been holding it together really well the last few weeks. I think about Emily daily, but I have not had a really sad day in awhile.

It is like many people have said, the grief gets better, you never forget, but it gets a bit easier to go about life as time goes on.

Since Emily died, life has moved on, sometimes even though I wish it had stopped. There have been many family gatherings since January 26th: Birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day and even my Birthday. It has been difficult for me to attend many of these events just because being around family reminds me that we will never be able to share these holidays with Emily in our arms. I have managed to do some kind of celebrating during most of those dates, but not with the whole family. However, Sunday I was finally able to attend a family celebration with most of my family that lives in town. I went and celebrated Father's Day. This is a huge stepping stone for me.

Do you ever wish you could get off this rollercoaster that is life and grief and just sit still for a little bit on ground that does not move? That is how I feel right now, like there is never a time to catch my breath before another loop or turn.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Five Minute Friday ~ Home

It has been a few weeks since I have participate in Five Minute Friday. The main reason: I have not felt much like writing. I am trying to get over this slump I find myself in and beginning to write again. I was writing a post earlier and I went to hit publish and for some reason blogger had logged me out and it had not been auto-saving so my great post was lost. And I really did not feel like rewriting it, so I put it aside and maybe in the next few days I will try again. The problem is that I will never be able to write the exact same thing again. It will be similar, but never the same, and today that makes me sad. I have no explanation for the feeling, but it is how I feel.

But with all that being said I am going to attempt to write today.


Home for me is not where I was born, it is not even where I was raised. I have discovered that home for me is where my husband and daughter are.

For most of my life we have moved A LOT. I think the longest I ever lived in one place was 6 years. The thought of a home is different to me than to many people. In the three years my husband and I have been married, we have lived in 4 homes. Would you be surprised to know that no one in my family is part of the military, this has just been my life. I would love to have a place to call HOME. One place to raise our children, but since right now we do not have that I realize how important finding home with those who I love is the most important part.

Home is not a place, it is what you make with those who are closest to you.


Wow, five minutes goes by fast when you have one focused topic and you are only thinking about that. Will you join me this week at The Gypsy Mama for her weekly blog hop Five Minute Friday 

Monday, June 13, 2011

Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Blog Directory

I am pleased to share that my new project the Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Blog Directory is now live. I am so happy with how it is coming along. Now I need your help to build the directory. There are three ways you can help.
  1. Visit the PAIL Blog Directory at http://paildirectory.blogspot.com/ & submit to have your blog added. 
  2. Please blog about the directory to spread the word
  3. If you have any suggestions about how the directory could be better please let me know.
This is a way that I have found to use my loss of Emily Faith to positively impact other families who have also suffered a loss.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement as I have begun this project.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Back From The Land Of...

I have had several comments that I have not been posting very regularly. In fact I even missed Wordless Wednesday this week.

I have a good reason, I promise...

I have been potty training Maddie. I HAD A PLAN, but as I have learned, with a child (especially a toddler) nothing ever goes as planned. My plan was to start potty training next week, after all the craziness of the beginning of June slowed down and we would be home a bit more. Well, Maddie decided last week, while my best friend was here, that she wanted to start going pee pee on the big girl potty. I knew that if I discouraged it things might not go well in a few weeks, so we started potty training last Thursday. We are not training how I had planned, but she is getting the concept. She has about four wet underwear a day, but as soon as she goes she comes and tells me, and she is asking to go several times a day.

I am exhausted, keeping up with her and the potty training and trying to keep up with household stuff is wearing me out.

Some days I don't have much time to be sad or thing about Emily. There are quiet moments when I will stop and think about our little girl and that we should be holding her in our arms now. I think one place I think about her most often is while driving in the car. I often find my mind wandering, thinking about the pregnancy and her birth and the few hours we had with her.

This weekend I will be walking in The Rock and Walk in Tacoma for The Tears Foundation. You can read my post here about The Tears Foundation and what the do for families who have recently lost a child. I am proud to be able to support this foundation.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of activities and new information, I am just reeling. I am hoping things slow down a bit in the next few weeks and we get some answers to some things that could make a big difference in our future.

I hope that I will be able to share some exciting news about our family's future in the next few weeks.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Happy List Saturday

It is Saturday again, and time for a happy list. It has been a few weeks since I have participated. Not because I have not had things to make me happy, just because I have not felt like doing one. I am going to keep this happy list short this week. But it is a wonderful list this week. This has been such an amazing week. I could keep coming up with words to describe this week, but maybe it is better to just share my list with you.

New blog design
Did you notice a change this week on my blog? I am so happy with how it turned out. I hope to make a few more minor changes to it in the coming months, but right now, it is right where I want it. Every time I open my blog I smile. It truly makes me happy. The design would not have been possible had it not been for the next thing on my happy list...

Franchesca at Small Bird Studio
She is an amazing woman. I have been so blessed by reading her blog. And now she has used her talents to design my blog. When I saw my blog design for the first time, my first thought was PERFECT. I am so thankful for the talent of others. There is a lot I can do, but designing a blog is not one of them. If you are interested in having your blog redesigned the waiting list at Small Bird Studio is now open. I promise you will not be sorry if you decide to use Franchesca for your design.

My dear friend Amanda
This week my best friend from childhood came for a visit. Up until 3 years ago we have lived within an hour drive of each other. Three years ago I moved 2000 miles away, and we get to see each other about once a year. It was such a wonderful visit. We spent the 5 days, getting our nails done, playing board games (one of our favorite activities), going out to lunch, seeing a movie (Bridesmaids) talking, and just spending time together.

My Husband
I have put Ron on my happy list before. But of course he always makes me happy. This week he deserves another mention because he was wonderful this week. He watched out daughter several afternoons so that Amanda and I could go have girl time...And he cooked dinner three nights in a row. It was such a nice break, and such wonderful food (Carne Asade, BBQ Chicken, & Spaghetti).

Thunder Storms
There were so incredible thunder storms this week. Where we live we can watch the storm roll in and just wait for it to make it to our part of town. The thunder storm would roll in and then be gone as quickly as it had come. I also love the smell of spring rain.

I could go on and on about this week, but I will stop there for this weeks list. I am so glad that this week turned out the way it did. Sunday was not a great day for me, but it sure turned around.

I hope you have an amazing weekend.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Sonnet for Emily

My youngest sister, Amy wrote this beautiful sonnet for me, in honor of Emily Faith. I am so blessed to have a family that wants to honor the little life that left us too soon.  

My Ladybug

On this Monday I sadly remember
The sweet expected due date of her birth
For her my heart will always be tender
Emily Faith was too early for earth.

Fighting since the minute of arrival
Resuscitating for hours on end
The Doctors gave up hope of survival
Not even a day, Emily has friends

Prayers upon prayers comfort our souls
Point fifteen ounces, thirteen inches long
The long hospital hours takes a tole
I am sadden that you are really gone

God has plans for his little lady bug
A chance will never come for us to hug 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Wordless Wednesday ~ At the Park

No, we did not do an outfit change...It was two different days at the park.
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