Monday, February 7, 2011

Good and Bad Days

Lately I have been thinking about each day in terms of was it a good or bad day. Today, so far is a good day. I woke up ready to get things done, and I feel like I have actually accomplished something today. Yesterday was a bad day. I cried for more of the day than I did not. I could not really pinpoint one thing that started the tears, but I have decided I don't need a reason. Just the fact that I just had a baby and that baby died, is reason enough. There was some fun yesterday though, I watched the Super Bowl with just our family. It is the first time I can remember that I did not go somewhere or have people over to watch the Super Bowl, but that was just fine.
Friday started as a bad day, but ended  as a good day. I started crying in the morning. One reason for this was that I had just finished writing out Emily's birth story and so I had gone back over all the details, and to top it off Ron had to go out of town for the day and would not be back until Saturday sometime in the afternoon. This was the first time he was going to be gone for any length of time since we had come back home over a week ago.
I did have plans for the day so I decided to keep them, even though my eyes seemed to be "leaking" without warning. Maddie and I left the house with me somewhat under control and then I drove by the cemetery, they were setting up for a burial, and I lost it again. Just thinking about someone else having died broke my heart again and made me think about Emily. I did make it to my friend's house and proceeded to cry as I talked to her for awhile. But she was wonderful and just let me cry.
Then that night another friend came over to just be with me and she brought a bottle of wine. I had told her that now that I was not pregnant that I really wanted to have a glass of wine, so she indulged me and brought the wine. It was so nice to just spend time with a friend and have some wine.
So far the last two weeks most of my bad days do get better at some point during the day. But the same can be said of my good days; some of them do end on a bad note. But I guess this is to be expected. I have come to the realization that I just need to take one day at a time and take that day, one hour at a time and I will make it though this time in my life.
I know that some of my family and friends are worried that I am handling all of the grieving "too well," but I want to assure you that I do indeed have good and bad days and I am trying to just go with each day and with each emotion.


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