32 Weeks and Random Musings

I can't believe it has been almost two months since I last posted. It is also so hard for me to believe that in just 10 days it will be 11 months since we lost Emily. It has almost been a year. Where has the time gone? This has sure been a year of ups and downs.

The good news is that I am still pregnant. I have now made it to 32 weeks with no complications. When this whole pregnancy began it seemed like forever until we would get to welcome a new life into our family and now here I am just 8 short weeks away from my due date. While I have a lot less worry than I did in the beginning of this pregnancy, I still feel on edge about when our little girl is going to make an appearance. If she is born when her oldest sister was, I only have 3.5 weeks left.

A few weeks ago I was in the baby's room working on getting things organized and I realized that this is the first baby I have really been able to prepare for. It actually feel kind of strange. With our first, Maddie, we did not find out the gender so getting things ready looked a lot different. We bought a crib and a dresser and had both set up, but we had not had a baby shower yet when Maddie made her appearance and so we really were not ready...

When I was pregnant with Emily we found out at 21 weeks we were having a girl and then two weeks later she was born. That did not really give us anytime to even begin to get ready for her arrival. We had created a registry and I had bought a few clothing items, but that was it. A few months after we lost Emily I finally packed up the few things we had bought for her.

With this pregnancy I have been sewing and organizing and washing since we found out we were having another girl. My life was really made easy this time since most of Maddie's clothes will work for this baby since they will both have been born in the same season. I have moments of "what if she comes out a he", because the ultrasound technician was wrong. But those are not very often, but it has crossed my mind. I would love a boy just as much, it would just cause me a moment or two of "what are we going to do?" But we would just take it in stride.

9 Months

Our baby girl would have been 9 months old today, if she had lived. 9 months have passed, and in 3 short months will be one year. It is hard to believe that we have made it though 9 months. I know that in the beginning I never imagined that life would go on and that my grief has gotten easy to live with. It is like everyone told me in time it is easier. Time or the addition of another child to our family will not change the fact that we lost a child. I will always miss Emily. She is and will always be my 2nd child.

In the past 9 months I have seen grief sneak in at the oddest times. Times when I think I am doing great and do not expect to be bombarded with extreme sadness. The other night I was laying in bed and began to think about a dear friend, Sue, who died a few months after Emily. Her death was very unexpected. Sue had been to visit me at the hospital before Emily was born and that was the last time I got to see her. I spoke with her twice more before she died. I remember what an encouragement she was to me that afternoon in the hospital. The other night as I was thinking about her and missing her I got this image of her holding Emily in heaven. It was such a wonderful image and I am glad that she is in heaven with Emily.

I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with Emily and that I will forever be her mommy.

I love you baby girl.

24 Weeks

I MADE IT TO 24 WEEKS!!!!!! I know this is a day late, but I think better late than never. It has been in the last week or so that I have started to believe that this pregnancy is not going to be like my last pregnancy. Now every day is one more day of "baking" for our little one and each extra day increased the chance of her surviving if she is born early.

My next goal is to get to 36 weeks. Which would be when I delivered Maddie. I am okay with going to 40 weeks, but if I am totally honest, I pray that I don't go a day over 40 weeks. I want to hold this little girl in my arms as soon as I can, and in my mind the soonest I should be holding her is February 10, 2012. If she comes a bit sooner that is fine by me, I am just praying that it is not too soon.

I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday. It went great. I currently have only gained 6lbs. I am pleased with this number, it means I am averaging a pound a month, which is not bad at all. Her heart beat was nice and strong. And Dr. P surprised me by saying he wanted to check my cervix again, since it had been a awhile since it had been checked. I am still measuring 4+cm (anything over 3cm is fantastic at this point in the pregnancy).

Up to this point I have called our baby peanut or little one, mostly because I was not sold on the nickname my husband has been using for our baby girl. But I have found myself calling her by his nickname more and more. At our first ultrasound, when I was pregnant with Maddie, Ron dubbed our growing baby "Iggy." Not sure where that came from but it stuck and since we did not find out the gender of Maddie until she was born that is what we called her until she was delivered and was named her.
I honestly don't remember what Emily was dubbed during the pregnancy and I am really saddened by that fact. I don't know if Ron never gave her a "name" or if I just don't remember what it was.
From the very beginning of this pregnancy Ron has been calling our growing child "Neptune." Just like with "Iggy" I have no idea where it came from, but "Neptune" it is. Even Maddie has started calling the baby "Neptune."

We have decided that just like with our other two girls that we will not name her until she is born. We have talked about names, but nothing is set in stone until we meet our little girl. So until then she will be Neptune.

In One Week

I look at the date of my last post and feel guilty that I have not written in so long. It has been 15 days since I have written. I used to write every day, sometimes more than once in a day. The last time I wrote I had all these ideas for posts, but I did not follow through and now the ideas are gone.

One week from today I will be as far along with this pregnancy as I was when I delivered Emily (23 weeks 3 days). Then it will be only 4 more days until I am 24 weeks pregnant. I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about the upcoming week, but it is there in the back of my mind trying to creep in during those quite not so busy moments. This pregnancy is progressing wonderfully. I have had one tiny scare just over a week ago. I thought I saw some spotting first thing in the morning. But then there was nothing the rest of the day and has been nothing since. So I wonder if I imagined it...

I feel our little girl moving a lot these days. This is such a different experience for me to feel so much so early. With our first two pregnancies I had an anterior placenta and so the baby's movements were often blocked from me feeling them in the front. In fact I was at least 22 weeks pregnant the first two times before I felt consistent movement. This time it has been confirmed that I have a posterior placenta, and because of this I have been able to feel our little one moving since around 15 weeks. It is such a comfort to feel her moving.

Each day with this little life inside is a gift and I am enjoying each day.

Half Way There

Friday marked the 20 week mark. We also had our anatomy scan ultrasound. From what I could see on the ultrasound every thing looks good. The baby is measuring right on for the dates that we already have set. We will see the doctor on Thursday to confirm that everything looks good from the ultrasound.

We also confirmed what my husband and I have felt a long. We are having a GIRL. We are so excited to have another little girl in the family. Now to pick out a name. my husband and I have been talking in the evening about names, but we have nothing pinned down yet. Plus we have waited to name our other two until after they were born. We have an idea of names, but we want to meet our baby before we give her a name. So in the mean time my husband has decided our little one will be called Neptune. I have not explanation for this name, just one day he started calling the baby this, and it has stuck. Even Maddie is calling the baby "baby Neptune." It is really cute.

I am so happy to finally be half way through this pregnancy, I want to meet our little girl so much. I am enjoying each day that I am pregnant and now being able to feel our little one moving is helping keep me calm. But I think that these next four weeks are going to be a bit hard. It was the week following our anatomy scan with Emily that everything started to fall apart; all those early morning trips to the ER and the multiple hospital admissions. I am so thankful that it is not the same time of year, but I will feel much better once we get past 24 weeks. I know that there are no guarantees after 24 weeks but our little one's chances of survival increases every week after 24 weeks and that will bring me some comfort.

I am really going to try and write more in the future. I feel bad that I have been neglecting this blog lately, but I have just not felt much like writing and it seems like if I go one day without writing it is so much easier to go another day and then another one. On another blog I follow the author actually addressed this issue of it being hard to get back into writing once you take a day off, so that is why she writes every day, because if she didn't then there would always be an excuse for not writing the next day. So with that said, I am not promising to write each day, but I will try to write at least once a week and see if I can get back up to once a day.

A Giveaway on the PAIL Blog Directory

After Emily's death I knew I wanted to do something to honor Emily and to reach out to other families who have suffered the loss of an infant. After thinking about it for many months I decided to create a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory. A place where families could connect with others who had gone through a similar loss. The directory has been up and running for about 4 months now, and is growing slowly. To aid in the growth of this resource I have decided to host a giveaway on the blog directory.

If you have a moment please visit the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory. The information about the giveaway is posted there now.

When You Least Expect It...

It always seems that my emotions creep up when I least expect them. Today was the first day of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). Last year, the first day of MOPS fell on September 9th. I remember this day because it was right after MOPS that I got a positive pregnancy test (this was my pregnancy with Emily). So official I have been pregnant for basically a year, (minus the 4 months between pregnancies). But that is a long time to be pregnant and not have a baby in your arms. I am counting the days until I get to hold a baby in my arms again.

My emotions were already a bit high to start with and then our leader shared with us that one of the other moms, who is almost 33 weeks pregnant, was being airlifted to the same hospital I was airlifted to, due to pre-term labor. I just lost it, I had to leave the room because I was crying so hard. I got myself under control and went back into the room, where I started to cry all over again. I am so thankful for the women that came and gave me hugs and just let me cry. I was finally able to get myself under control, and had a wonderful morning of fellowship and fun. But A. is on my mind and in my prayers.

I know that A. is in one of the best hospitals in the state to care for her and her baby, if he is born early, but it still hits me hard. I am praying like crazy for her and her baby boy.

Just when I think I am doing really well, something comes out of nowhere and knocks me down again.

The "Right" Thing is not Always Right

I feel like I have had a writer's block the last month or so. It was not until last night that I finally figured out why I have not been able to write or really even visit this blog very often. This blog has always been a place for me to come and share my feelings about Emily, how I am feel about losing her, how I am grieving and our life after Emily. But recently I have not felt like sharing. I have even been dreading this upcoming week. I am so thankful to my husband for finally putting words to his, as well as my feelings about the next week. In case you are lost, the memorial service put on by the hospital where we delivered Emily is this coming Thursday, September 15.

I wish I could put into words how I have been feeling the last month. I am just not sure what the words are. I have been almost dreading going to the memorial service. Weeks ago I wrote about how I felt like this memorial would be a final goodbye to Emily. But the truth is I don't need a "finally goodbye." I know where my daughter is; She is in heaven with Jesus. She is in the best place possible for her. I would love to have her here on this earth with our family, but she is in such a better place. We made a decision about what to do with Emily's physical body in the hospital on January 27th. For our family it was the right choice.

Since finding out about the memorial I have felt like the "right" thing to do is go to the service, but I have not been anticipating it, I have been dreading it. For me it is not going to be a closure or a goodbye; that has already happened. Emily is in my heart and I don't need a place to go to remember her. I remember her every day. With all of that said we have decided not to attend the memorial. I can't even express the pressure and dread that has lifted since we made this decision. It is like I was forcing my self to go through a motion for someone else and do what everyone would expect me to do. But my grief is not about everyone else, it is about me. That is one thing I have learned in the months since Emily's death; everyone processes a loss and deals with grief differently and no one should be made to feel like what they are doing or not doing is right or wrong.

It has been 7 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since we lost our sweet little girl. So much has happened in the life of our family. We have gone from extreme sadness and grief to such joy and anticipation for the future. The Lord has truly blessed us in the months since Emily's death. Losing a child is something that I wish no parent every had to experience, but the loss has changed me as a person and while I wish these changes could have come about in a different way I am happy with who I am.

Sweet Emily,
Momma loves you so much. I am so thankful that you were in our life for even the short time that you were. I miss you so much, but at the same time I love thinking that you will never know the pains of life. You are in a perfect place, at the feet of Jesus. And one day we will get to see you again. I am excited for that day, but know you are in great hands until that day.

Love your mom

The Last Few Weeks

I want to start out by saying thank you to all of those who commented on my previous post about my decisions regarding this blog and the direction I am going to take with it, both now and in the future. It meant a lot to me and I am even more confident in my decision.

It was because of the decision process and of course life that has limited the posts in the past few weeks. I wish I could say that I have a back-log of posts, but sadly I have not written much in the past few weeks. Since my last doctor's appointment my stress level has been a lot less and I have been doing fairly well.

I was looking back and realized the last time I wrote about the pregnancy was when I was 12 weeks along. I am now 15 weeks pregnant. I am really going to try and keep up on this for the rest of the pregnancy. I want to be able to look back and see where I was in the process.

So here is a quick recap. My doctor's appointment on August 9th went great. Dr. P walked in the exam room and asked me how I was, to which I replied "a nervous wreck." I told him why and before he did anything else he checked the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler (150 bpm). Such a relief to hear that tiny heart. He also shared with me part of his plan for the next few months, one of which is to start to check my cervical length, next appointment. I am so happy with his decisions and the course of treatment right now. My next appointment will be on September 1st.

This week, week 15, for me is an important week. This is the week I started spotting with Emily. So far this week looks good. I am pleased to say I have not had any spotting yet during this pregnancy, which is such a relief. Now on to 21 weeks, where we will have the anatomy scan and find out if we are having a boy or girl. Both my husband and I are pretty sure we are having a girl, but then I was convinced that our first was going to be a boy and we ended up having a girl. So my intuition has been off before, BUT I do have a 50/50 chance of being right. So we will see. We would be fine with either one.

Emotionally
My emotional state the last few weeks has been pretty good. I know that there is a little part of me that is still in denial that I am actually pregnant again. On September 9th, it will have been a year since I found out I was pregnant with Emily, so with the exception of about 4 months I have been pregnant for almost a year. That is a long time to be pregnant and not have a baby in our arms.

It was only this week that I finally broke down and started wearing maternity shirts. That was a huge step for me, to finally acknowledge that I am getting bigger and the baby is growing, and things are going well. I think I can finally start to be excited for this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am excited, it is just a different excitement up to this point.

Physically
I am getting a tummy, and I love it, but I seem to be getting so much bigger, so much sooner. I am still super tired, to the point where I still need a nap each day or I fall asleep on the couch in the evening. But it is slowly getting better. I hopefully soon I will make it through a day without a nap.

I get sick occasionally, but more now than in the first three months. This I know is due to low blood sugar in the mornings. So if I make sure to eat often I am okay, but if I go too long between eating I tend to get sick. At least I know what triggers it, and most of the time I can prevent it.

I know I have felt the baby move a few times, but it is only once in a while right now. I can't wait to feel this little one move more often. I think that is one for my favorite parts of being pregnant. 

A Final Memorial for Emily

Last week I received a letter from the hospital where we delivered Emily. The letter was informing us of when the infant memorial service is going to be held. After Emily died my husband and I had to decide what to do with Emily's body. There were several different options provided to us, but ultimately we decided to let the hospital cremate her body and then bury her ashed along with the other infant who had died the previous year. There were many reasons for the decision that we made, and even to this day I am still comfortable with the choice that we made.

The memorial service will be held on September 15 at Evergreen-Washelli Cemetery in Seattle, Washington.

We plan to make the drive as a family and attend the memorial service. We are taking Maddie with us. I feel like it is very important to include her in this. I don't think there has been a time that I ever considered not attending. I know that we have already said good-bye to Emily and we had the closure that we needed, but at the same time I want to go through this final act of saying good-bye.

As I am writing this, I am thinking about how hard this service might actually be for me. Since we did not have any kind of memorial for Emily after she died this is the final closure. But attending this memorial, almost 19 weeks pregnant is something that just hit me. If we had not lost Emily, we would not be expecting this new baby. This new life would not have been possible if we had Emily in our arms today.  

Thoughts About My Blog

I have had so many emotions over the last week or so. I have been going back and forth about several things in regards to my blog. The major one is, do I want to continue writing about this pregnancy on this blog. When I first started this blog it was an outlet for my grief, then it became a way for me to share my life after Emily, this included Maddie. And it was at that point that I decided that this blog was about our family's journey after the loss of Emily and that this blog would include any future children that we might have.

This thought came up after a fellow BLM blogger just had her rainbow baby. This BLM had not shared about the pregnancy on her blog and it was only after the baby was born safely that she finally shared the news on her blog. She wrote about her pregnancy and shared it on her blog on a separate page after the baby was born. This actually got me to thinking...Would I have continued to read her blog if she was always talking about her pregnancy? I don't have an answer to that question. I am just not sure.

I know that after I announced my pregnancy on my blog I lost one follower. I was not surprised, in fact I actually thought I might lose more. I know a lot of BLM bloggers choose to start a new blog for their family and rainbow baby. Now that I am pregnant reading about their pregnancies is helpful to me to see what they went through emotionally during the pregnancy and how they handled a pregnancy after a loss.

Writing has been such a healing process for me. It has helped me that I have had an audience to write to, though most of this is for me. I have struggled with saying the wrong thing knowing people read what I write and come to the point where it ultimately is for me and if someone does not like it they can just stop reading. This is not to be harsh or mean, but this is me, my thoughts and feeling. I am fine with anyone reading them, but it is my opinion and is never directed at anyone.

Writing today has actually helped me process. And I have talked to several people about my thoughts about continuing to write about the pregnancy on this blog. One person I talked to suggested that I needed to share my process for deciding, especially for someone who has just lost a baby and has started reading my blog.

I want this blog to be a documentation of everything that has happened and everything that we as a family will go through as a result of losing Emily. With that said, I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on my blog. And when the baby is born I will also write about our little peanut.

Stress and Other Stuff

I can't believe it has already been a week since I last posted. There have been several times this week I have thought about writing a post, but my time on the computer has been very limited this week. This has been one of those weeks, an emotional roller coaster. I have not had such a rough week in a long time.

If you remember from my previous post I have been a bit on edge about my next appointment and it having been almost four weeks since I have seen our little peanut. I almost caved and called the doctor several times this week to be seen just to hear the heart beat, but I have almost made it. My appointment will be on Tuesday. But this was only the tip of the iceberg for the week.

Our house has been invaded by ants. In fact to the point where I am ready to move out and let them take over. I am so tired of fighting with them. We have had problems from time to time with ants, but this weeks has been the WORST.

On Monday I came home from running errands and our couch was swarming with ants. I spent the next 6 hours trying everything I could to get the ants to die and clean them up. And all I wanted to do was take a nap. Well I got no nap that day, or the next for that matter. The good news? I ended up finding my Tiffany and Co. bracelet that I lost three years ago. I thought I had lost it at work and it turned out it had fallen inside the couch. Our couch is also now ant free, well mostly, and super clean. We rented a carpet cleaner and cleaned the couch.

Then on Wednesday morning I came down to the kitchen to find the swarm of ants had moved and was now taking over the kitchen. I have been dealing with that for the last several days. I have cleaned every cabinet and drawer and they still will not leave completely. But it is more under control.

The ant problems just magnified everything else I was feeling and I spent several hours over the last week crying. It was a rough week, but I just keep thinking tomorrow is a new day and the start of a new week, and I finally get to hear our little peanut's heartbeat. While I have seen the heart beating at the last two appointments this will be the first time I will get to hear that tiny heart beating. I am so excited.

Despite the rough week there were a few good points: having a wonderful husband that can deal with my extreme mood swings and a daughter that reminds me of the most important things in life. Taking time out to just be with my family. In the midst of the madness of the ants she would say "cuddle me mommy." Having that reminder to take time for her no matter what I am doing was wonderful.

Twelve Weeks

This week has been a week of milestones. Emily's six month anniversary, which I shared about in the previous post. And I am now 12 weeks pregnant. Which means I am almost to the 2nd trimester. The 2nd trimester with Emily was a time of concern and ultimately the end of the pregnancy. I know that the 12 weeks are going to be difficult at times. There are a lot of important milestones to get through with this pregnancy in the coming weeks.

Since we lost Emily I have become obsessed with dates. So please bear with me as I share some crazy information that actually makes me feel better when I think about it. We got pregnant with Maddie around that same time of year that we got pregnant with little peanut. I got a positive pregnancy test 3 years and one day to the date that we got a positive pregnancy test with Maddie. And my mom was the first person we told with both Maddie and little peanut's pregnancies. With all of these dates lining up pretty close, it has actually brought me some comfort, however, strange it is.

A few weeks ago I went back and looked to see when we had our 20 week ultrasound with Maddie, September 30, 2008. I have already decided that I want to have little peanut's 20 week ultrasound on September 30, 2011. I am hoping the doctor will humor me. September 30th would put us at 21 weeks, exactly when we had Emily's 20 week ultrasound. I love the idea of having a tie with all three pregnancies. I know to a lot of people all this date stuff might seem crazy, but it is comforting to me.

So besides being crazy, how am I doing?

Physically
The worst of the nausea has finally past. However, the last two nights nausea has set in after dinner. Not really fun to keep wondering of dinner is going to come back up. So far it has not. I have been starting to get some energy back. Not enough that I can skip my afternoon nap and not feel awful a few hours later, but I am able to get a bit more done each day.
Last weekend I spent two days making cherry and apricot jam and drying a bunch of fruit. I was super tired by the end of the second day, but I love that I can finally get things done again.
I defiantly have a tummy and I am wearing maternity pants, though to be honest I have been wearing maternity pants since before I found out I was pregnant again because I had just not lost enough to fit back onto my old pants. I had my husband bring the box of maternity clothes in from the garage, but I have not yet gotten them out of the box. I am not sure when I will feel ready to get the clothes out and hung up so that I can wear them in a month or so. I still have time so I am being patient with myself.

Emotionally
Up until last night I would say that I am emotionally doing really well. Then last night I has a little break down. I was sad about forgetting Emily's six month anniversary, but I am also getting nervous about my next appointment. Because everything looked so good at the last appointment the doctor decided to wait a month to see me again, which is fine in a normal pregnancy, but this pregnancy is anything but normal. I really need to see, or at least hear the heart beat again. I have read about several women who at 9 weeks the baby looked good and then at the 12/13 week appointment they could not find a heartbeat and it looked like the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I know I really need to stop reading these stories since they are making me crazy, so that is my goal this week, stop with the insanity.
I know in my heart that everything is okay, but my head sometimes does not get the message. And it is because in my heart I know it is okay I am not going to be "that women" and call and bug the doctor. My next appointment is a week from Tuesday, so I think I can stay sane for a week and a few days.
Though I have already decided to ask the doctor if he would be okay with seeing me every three weeks instead of four weeks. I think under the circumstances he might just agree to that. At least I hope so.

6 Months

Can it really have been half a year since we lost our sweet Emily Faith? It does not seem possible that so much time has passed. In six months it will have been one year. July 26th came and went without much thought about the day, in fact it was not until the next morning that I remembered that yesterday had been Emily's six month anniversary. When I remembered I got really sad that I had let the day go by and not really spend time thinking about six months ago. I shared this with my infant loss support group that night (July 27th). The facilitator of the group said she understood why it made me sad that I did not remember, but she also said it is a sign that I am healing. I will never forget Emily, but I have to go on living for our other children.

It has taken me a while to write this post because I was still processing how I felt about not remembering on the day. Last night I actually cried for the first time in several weeks. Part of it is hormones, but the other part is a sadness that I am moving on. Life keeps going and sometimes gets so crazy that important things get forgotten for a moment. I know that I will never forget Emily or the 26th of any month, but I feel really good about where I am; I am processing in my grief.

I know that there are going to be many set backs in the months and years to come, but today I am doing well. I can now talk about Emily to people and not cry every time I say her name. I am also more comfortable saying that I lost a child. It actually amazed me how easy it was the other day to share with a group of ladies that I lost an infant child 6 months ago. I did not go into detail, but just being able to share without caring what other people thought was a huge thing for me. Emily is my child and when I share about my children she is included.

Eight Weeks (7/5/2011)

This is the third and final catch-up post. After this post, when I write about the pregnancy it will be actually happening. I know that the way I have posted has kind of thrown a few people off, but the confusion will stop after this post. I just really wanted a detailed account of the pregnancy and could not really do that if I did not include the first few weeks. I will post again in the next few days regarding how I am doing today and the past week or so.

8 weeks (7/5/2011)

We have been holding off announcing the pregnancy mostly because of fear of what could happen and then having to go and tell everyone that we lost another baby. There is no guarantee, at any stage in the pregnancy that everything is going to be fine. I am at a point right now where I need to write about how I feel and I really want to share it with everyone who has been such a support to me since we lost Emily.

I still have to talk to my husband, but I am ready to announce this pregnancy. I have decided if my husband is okay with it, to announce on my blog that I am pregnant after our next appointment; which will be next Tuesday, July 12^th. Since I was measuring a bit behind at the last appointment I want to see and hear the heartbeat again and get a more accurate measurement and then I think I will feel better about sharing. The stats say that after you see a heartbeat there is only a 10% chance of miscarrying, so while we are not out of the woods, I will feel better.  I am also hoping that announcing the pregnancy will make it feel more real.

I know I am pregnant but part of me is still in denial. I recently read “Pregnancy after a Loss.” It is a really good book and helped me to think about things that I might not have thought about before. The author talked about in the book that if this pregnancy is soon after a loss it might seem like you have been pregnant forever. I totally understand that feeling. When we finally have this baby it will almost be like I have been pregnant for over a year. That is such a long time to be pregnant and not have a child in your arms.  I am so ready to have a baby in my arms.

There has been a lot of talk over the last few months about not holding a baby until you hold your rainbow baby. I am not sure if this is what I want to do, but so far I have not felt emotionally ready to hold anyone else’s baby. I may or may not be ready before our baby is born, but I am open to it if the chance arises.

Physically

I am still super tired. I have also had a cold for the last three days. It has knocked me down. I have spent most of the last few days on the couch sleeping in between taking care of Maddie. She has watched a lot of TV. She has enjoyed it and I have started to feel a bit better. I have had nausea on and off most days. The last day or so it has been better though. I am not very hungry in the morning and nothing ever sounds good. However, I make up for it in the afternoon when all I want to do is eat. I have a huge craving for tuna sandwiches and since I cannot have tuna every day I have also started eating canned chicken, which tastes the same to me. I do not eat it every day, but I sure could.

I also feel like I have already started to show a bit. I think I will show a lot soon with this one than with the other two. I think that is pretty normal for a subsequent pregnancy and one so soon after my last pregnancy

Emotionally

 This has been kind of a hard week or so. Maddie has been sick, so besides taking care of myself I have had to take care of her more so than usual. She ran a fever for 6 days before we finally took her to the doctor. It turns out she has an ear infection. This is her first ear infection and also the first time we have given her antibiotics. I think that is pretty good considering she is almost 2.5 years old. She is taking her meds like a champ.

I honestly think that as we get further into the pregnancy I might have some more emotional days and weeks, but right now I am doing fairly well. One reason I think that is, is because like I mentioned previously, I am still a bit emotionally detached from this pregnancy and the fact that I am actually pregnant again.

6 Weeks (6/23/2011)

I am trying to get caught up so that I can write in "real time," But I have been so tired lately that it is all I can do to get through each day and take care of Maddie, myself and the house (and pretty much in that order too.) I am starting to feel a bit better and my naps are getting shorter, so I am hopeful that I will be getting some of my energy back soon, but until then here is the 2nd part of what was going on before we announced this pregnancy.

6 weeks (6/23/2011)

Today is my first doctor’s appointment. It is also a month since Emily’s due date. I sure did not plan it that way. It was the only appointment available so soon. At my doctor’s office the appointments are booked months in advance, so the fact that I am even being seen as a new pregnant patient a day before 7 weeks is amazing. I need the reassurance that everything is going okay so far.

I have been a nervous wreck the last few days. I can’t really explain it though. I also have a peace and a hope that everything is going to be fine. Explain that, nervous wreck, peace and hope…can they really all be in one person at the same time. Well it is for me.

I did not sleep very well last night. I am nervous, excited, and so many other emotions that I am not even sure of.

I am not sure if I mentioned it or not, but we have decided to stay with the same doctor who treated me when I was pregnant with Emily, he also delivered Maddie. I do not blame him for anything that happened. The truth is that in that last week, it was not him, but always the on call doctor that treated me. I don’t blame them either, I just wish my symptoms would have been taken more seriously and I will be much more proactive this time and not just let the doctors brush me off as if it is no big deal. It may not be a big deal, but to me, this time IT IS A BIG DEAL, no matter what it is.

Physically

I am soooo TIRED. I tend to think back over the day in the evening and remember what I did and the last few days I have done almost nothing. I did not even make dinner last night, just warmed up left overs and I was still in bed at 9pm. The last three days I have been incredible nauseated most of the day. While I was super hungry last week, this week I am not really hungry, but when I finally eat I am starved and eat a lot. I have only gotten sick one morning. I was getting sick and Maddie is standing there like what is wrong mommy. She had this look on her face like she just did not understand. I kept telling her mommy is okay, I just have an upset tummy. She understood that, but was still worried.

Emotionally

Over all I would say emotionally I am doing okay. I mean for being 6 weeks pregnant and only three days until Emily’s 5 month anniversary. The last few days have been a bit emotional for me. Yesterday I was reading through Emily’s story. I am being spotlighted on another blog and I am sharing Emily’s story, but complete with all the details it is 10 pages long so I had to shorten it a bit (just take out some of the details). It is still 5 pages, but that is a bit better. I did not realize how much it would impact me. I have not cried much lately, but yesterday as I was reading it, tears started streaming down my face. It was good though, a healing kind of tears. I had actually forgotten a few things that had happened and I think those things will be helpful when talking to the doctor today.

Memories

Insomnia is one symptom that I have had with all three pregnancies. Usually it starts a bit later into the pregnancy, but still there were many nights when I was pregnant with Maddi and Emily that I would spend on the couch catching up on a show or two and eating in the middle of the night. I had not really expected to have to deal with the insomnia so soon, but here it is. And so I will make the most of it.

As I lay in bed trying to fall back asleep my mind began to drift back to the day that Emily was born and all the happened in those 10 hours of her life. Sometimes I am amazed at the details that still sneak into my thoughts, things that I had not thought about since that day. One of those details that I had forgot all about came back as I lay in bed this morning. I just felt like to needed to write it down, for fear of forgetting it again. That is one thing I love about this blog; it is a way to document those little memories and then I don't have to drive myself crazy remembering every detail. They are here to help me remember.

That little detail I was talking about was breast milk. Shortly after I was moved to my post-partum room, after Emily was born, a lactation consultant came down to talk to me. Even with the odds so low that Emily would survive everyone at the hospital treated us like she was going to survive and make sure that we were prepared to care for her. This included getting me to start pumping and producing milk for when Emily would need my breast milk. I pumped twice before Emily died that night.

In those first few days the body does not produce much milk. Initially colostrum is produced. They call it liquid gold, and the name really fits since it kind of looks like gold, AND it takes a lot of work to get just a little bit that it is really valued. Since the amount is so small I was given tiny syringes to collect those few drops of colostrum. I remember feeling so proud of those few milliliters that I was about to take down to the nursery when we went to visit Emily. That night, after Emily died those two syringes were left in the refrigerator. I wonder what happened to that little bit of liquid gold? I imagine that it was thrown away when everything was cleaned up, making that space ready for the next baby that would need the care of the NICU. Thinking about that makes me sad. I worked so hard to get those few drops and they were never used.

Then I began to think about that room. The room I was taken to after Emily was born. The room that was on another floor away from all things maternity and post-partum. I am so thankful for the foresight of the hospital staff to place me away from new mothers and crying babies. I was placed in room with two bed. I remember the first thing I asked the nurse was, "will I have to share this room?" She told me no and that they just did not have any rooms with single beds. The two beds ended up being a blessing, as my husband was able to stay in the room with me that night and was able to stretch out. Neither one of us got much sleep that night, but at least there was an option for him.

When we walked back into that room after Emily died that night there was one thing that effect my husband and one thing that effect me. For my husband it was seeing Emily Faith written on the white board in the room. I immediately erased it. Not to erase her from our lives, but because the pain was so intense that it hurt to look at her name in the moment. For me it was the breast pump and all the supplies. The nurse came in a few minutes after we got back and I asked her to please get everything out of the room. She was wonderful and got everything moved out while I was in the bathroom.

The next morning, really early, my doctor came into check on me. No one had told him that Emily had died and so it was put on me to tell him. That is one thing that I wish had been handled differently. He should have known, I should not have had to tell my doctor that my baby died. I also wish he had come to see my later, before I was discharged. I had so many questions, but when you are woken up from sleep often the brain is not working fully in that moment.

I do remember asking him what had caused Emily to be born so early and he gave me a simple answer, but I wish I could have asked more questions. Questions that I now know to ask, but had no idea that I needed to ask at the time. Maybe it is better that some of those questions went unanswered, but now with this new pregnancy and the thoughts that go through my head about it happening again, I wish we had more answers. But the truth remains that there are just not very many answers for why it happened.

I think the last question I asked my doctor was, "when can I leave?" I really did not want to stay in that hospital for any longer than I had to. I wanted to be home. To be surrounded by things that were familiar and to be able to care for our living child again. It has been almost two weeks since I had been able to actively care for Maddie and I wanted to be with her again. My doctor told me that he saw no reason why I could not leave that day if I wanted to. It seemed to take forever to get all the final paper work finished. We had to meet with a social worker about what we wanted to have done with Emily's body, and the nurse had a bunch of paper work and instructions for me. On the wall of my room there was a sign that said discharge was at 11am, so I figured I would not get to leave before that, and I was right. Just after 11am I was finally done with everything and allowed to leave the hospital. They even let me walk, no wheelchair, which I am grateful for. As we left the room, floor and finally the hospital I felt like crying, but held it together. I held it together until after lunch. After lunch we stopped at Toys 'R Us to get Maddie a special toy. She had been asking for a ball popper for several weeks. (We don't have a Toys 'R Us near us, so while we were in Seattle we decided to stop.) I was still holding it together, after all I wanted to be as normal as possible for Maddie since it had been a rough few weeks for her too.

As we were leaving the store I knew I needed to go to the bathroom so I walked back into the store alone to use the bathroom. The bathroom that was at the back of the store passed all the baby stuff. That was it, I lost it. I remember walking through Toys 'R Us with tears streaming down my face. I am sure people thought I was crazy, but I just could not stop the tears any more. I slept and cried most of the way home.

This next memory is a bit out of order, but it came to me after all the others, so I am keeping them in the order that I thought about them this morning. I remember being moved to Labor and Delivery on the day that Emily was born. As I think about it now I was probably in shock. No one plans to deliver their child at 23 weeks. I remember shaking and feeling cold; a warm blanket was placed on me to try and warm me up. When a women is in labor her senses are heightened. For me that is so true, especially my sense of smell. All though labor I kept smelling something, something like bad body odor, and in my crazy brain I was sure it was the blanket since I only started smelling it after the blanket was placed on me. I remember wanting to tell nurse to get me another blanket, one that did not smell, but I was so focused on the contractions that it just never came out. The smell drove me crazy. Well it turns out that it was not the blanket at all. Emily was born on Wednesday and my last shower had been Sunday, and I don't think in all those days I ever had deodorant, so that awful smell I had to endure all though labor was me.

I remember wanting a shower so bad. I think I asked every nurse who cared for me when I could take a shower. The desire to be with Emily in the NICU was stronger than the want for a shower, so the shower waited. I did not finally get to take a shower until the next morning just before I was discharged from the hospital. While it felt good to finally be clean, it was a painful reminder that I had just lost my baby. I stood in the shower and held my belly and cried.

While sometimes it hurts to remember, I am so glad for memories and that they are still coming back to me. I don't ever want to forget Emily.

Five Weeks (6/15/11)

As I mentioned in my last post I had been blogging about this pregnancy from the very beginning, I had just not been sharing those posts, so here is the first of three posts from the first few weeks we knew we were pregnant.

Five weeks (6/15/11)

In a few short days we will be 6 weeks pregnant, but I decided today that I want to keep a weekly journal of the pregnancy, how I am doing emotionally, and physically. I took a pregnancy test on June 7^th. I was two days late, and I am never late, but I was still surprised when the pregnancy test came back positive within 20 seconds. I immediately looked up online “what are the chances of a false positive?” Not very likely…So I took a second test just to be sure. And the next day got a blood test done, JUST TO BE SURE. Well they were all POSITIVE. So I accepted that I am pregnant. My first though was, “how can I do this so soon…” I am so excited, but nervous and scared too.

The last week has been a roller coaster. Deciding who to tell now and how long to wait to tell everyone else. We still have not decided how long to wait, but I do know that we will wait at least until our first doctor appointment. So far they have been wonderful at the clinic. They are going to see me next Thursday. I will be almost 7 weeks. I am so excited; next week cannot come soon enough, still over a week away.

Physically

There is not much change yet. I have noticed I am hungrier. I am really trying to eat well, and not just eat a bunch of junk. In fact I am trying to be really good and follow all the “rules.” I know there is no guarantee that if I do everything right I will get a healthy baby, but I can at least try. I am religiously taking my prenatal vitamins (I was never very good at it with the other two pregnancies). No lunch meat or hot dogs for me, though the lunch meat is killing me already, I love sandwiches almost more than any other food.  I do not have any food aversions yet. No morning sickness either, though that never started with the other two until about 12 weeks.

Emotionally

I am happy and doing okay one moment and the next I am crying about something. I miss Emily, but it seems as the days go by and this new life is growing inside me, that she is getting further away. I still look at her picture every day and think about her, but it is different. I have heard it said that people find healing though a new pregnancy. I want the healing, but at the same time healing means moving on. Not forgetting her, but not living in the same grief that I have for the past four months. It has only been four months (in 12 days it will be 5 months), in some ways it seems like a life time ago and in other ways it seems like it just happened yesterday. How is that even possible? I have thought a lot about how this pregnancy will affect my grief and how the loss of Emily will affect this pregnancy? I guess just time will show me the answer to both of those thoughts.

I have found out about two pregnancy losses this week, one was at 20 weeks and the other was at 24 weeks. I do not know either of these women, but they live in our city and I will be meeting them both over the next few weeks. I am so sad for them. I wish that no mother had to endure that kind of pain. I want so badly to give each of these women a big hug, and let them know that they are not alone.

So Excited to Share

*Note this post may contain triggers for some readers. Please read with caution*

I have been waiting for 6 long weeks to share the news here on my blog. There are many reasons why I have waited and debated, but my husband and I have decided that now is that time to share. After two wonderful appointments I am happy to announce that we are pregnant. As of today I am 9 weeks 5 days along. Our baby is due February 10, 2012.

Our Little Peanut

This is one of the reasons I have been so quiet on my blog lately. I have not been writing because I was sure that I might let it slip out in how I am feeling and dealing with my day to day grief and the apprehension of a new pregnancy so soon after our loss. This pregnancy was not planned, but not prevented, and it is so very much wanted. I have been writing the last 5 weeks, and I plan to share the posts I have already written about the pregnancy in the next few days. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions.

*On a quick side note, those of you who actually know me personally and are friends with me on Facebook, we have no plans right now to post anything about the pregnancy, so we would be grateful if you could refrain from leaving comments regarding the pregnancy. We have no problem with people knowing, we have just decided to wait on Facebook for the time being.*

With all that said I am definitely feeling pregnant. It is safe to say, that no two pregnancies are the same and you really cannot compare. This pregnancy so far is so different from the last two. I am SOOOOOO tired. I actually count the minutes to nap time, my favorite time of the day right now. I have been sick and/or nauseated more often and much earlier. But with all that I am so thankful everyday that I am pregnant.

Emotionally I am doing okay. I recently read a book call "Pregnancy after Loss." It is a great book and I highly recommend it if you are pregnant after losing a baby. It really has helped me to see what I am feeling as normal and it also started me thinking about areas I need to be aware of as this pregnancy progresses. One thing the book talks about is the fact that if the pregnancy is soon after a loss it can feel like you have been pregnant forever. I totally understand that thinking right now. I love being pregnant, but it is a long time to go and not have a baby in your arms. It will make the birth of this baby so much sweeter.

My doctor, the same one who delivered Maddie, and cared for me when I was pregnant with Emily, has been wonderful so far, as has his nurse. The day after my positive pregnancy test I went in to get a blood test to confirm the pregnancy. Dr. P's nurse took me into one of the rooms and spent several minutes talking to me and seeing how I was doing. She then got me an appointment set up for two weeks later. Normally the doctors office does not see a patient until at least 10 weeks, but they agreed to see me at about 7 weeks.

At my first appointment they did an ultrasound and I measured 6 weeks 1 day, a bit behind what I thought, but we were able to see a heartbeat and that is really good news. At today's appointment I measured 9 weeks 5 days, one day ahead now. Such an encouragement.

I have finally begun to hope that everything is going to be okay. I know that there are no guarantees but I feel really good about where I am today. And I am just going to take it one day at a time and enjoy every day that I have with our little peanut.

I will leave you with one last picture of our little peanut.

Spotlight

I am so honored to be spotlighted on Honoring Our Angels today. Several weeks ago Monica contacted me and asked if I would consider letting her spotlight my blog on her blog. It turned out to be the perfect timing, since I had just decided to start the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory.

Monica has a beautiful blog and has spotlighted some amazing blogs. Her blog is a great resource for baby loss families.

Animals Mourn Too

Before Emily died I had never thought much about morning and grief in people and definitely not in animals. Then about a month ago I saw this article on another blog. It is about a gorilla who's baby died and how she displayed her grief. It is a touching and emotional story, so read with caution.

There is a bird nest, barn swallows I think, on our patio. It has been there for three years. Each year the birds come back. We had intended to take the nest down before they returned this year because they just make such a mess, but we did not get to it in time and before we knew it they were back. And once they had started nesting I could not take it down. Not knowing if the eggs were there yet. So we are dealing with the mess. The eggs hatched about two weeks ago or so, and from time to time we can see one or two of the babies popping up out of the nest.

We had thought there were only three baby birds but today I discovered that there were four in the nest. I was going to take Maddie outside to play in the backyard and to clean up the bird poop when I saw one of the baby birds on the ground just below the nest. My thought is that there were just too many birds in the nest and one got pushed out. So I got Maddie distracted inside the house and went outside with a paper towel and picked up the dead baby bird. It was really sad. I know it is only a bird and that is life, but we have been watching the nest for months, so I feel a bit attached.

Since this afternoon I have been watching the nest and the mommy bird. I started wondering if she even knew she had "lost" a baby. It is one of those strange questions that I am sure most people do not even contemplate, but today I did. I am sure the in the animal world death is just a part of everyday life, but does that really make it any easier.

An Update of Sorts

I feel like I have not been writing much lately, I think sometimes life gets in the way and the best of intentions seems to fall away as life moves on.

Life has been so crazy for us the last few weeks. My husband started a new job, and there has been a lot of adjustment since his work hours are a lot longer than we have been used to in the last several years. This adjustment has also included changing Maddie's bedtime, which has not been very successful. I have been trying to keep her up later so that she can spend time with daddy when he gets home from work. Our hope was that she would then sleep in a bit in the morning. Well the opposite happened, she now goes to bed at 9pm and gets up at 5am. So we are planning on changing her schedule back to early bed time. I sure hope it helps.

We have also started potty training. We have a good day and then a not so good day, but I have decided to take a casual approach on potty training so if she goes it is great and we celebrate, but if she has an accident we just change and move on with our day. She is not even 2 1/2 yet, so I think she is doing just fine. It also helps me to be more casual since I was just getting frustrated with all the accidents.

While life continues to move on and I have to move on with it, there are times that I wish time could freeze for just stay in the moment. As time moves on I get further away from Emily. It has now been 5 months since we said goodbye. It was late in the day on June 26th that I even slowed down enough to remember it was 5 months ago that we hello and goodbye to Emily. I have days like that now, that I am so busy going here and there and caring for a toddler, my husband, the house, and myself that I realize I have go through the whole day and not thought about Emily. And that really makes me sad. I don't ever want to forget her. I know I won't forget her, but as time goes on it is harder to remember sometimes.

Did I?

I have been reading on many blogs lately about how as time goes by you feel further away from the child that you lost. I had not really understood that thought until this morning.

I am not even sure what triggered the thought, I was sleeping and the next minute I was thinking about Emily and how long it has been, in 5 days it will have been 5 months since we said goodbye. It always seems like the days leading up to an important day are the hardest, for me, so far, the actually day has been easy compared to the days before.

This morning I was thinking about the last time I held Emily. She was disconnected from all the wires and tubes that were keeping her alive and placed on my chest. It is strange the things I remember, when I remember them. I remember that they placed her really high on my chest. I remember this because when I tried to kiss her while she was on my chest I could not bend my neck enough to actually be able to kiss her. While I was holding Emily she took two more small shallow breaths. I do not know the exact second when she passed from this life into the arms of Jesus. I just held her for a long time. I know that the time we spent with her was not really that long in the grand sceam of things, but it sure felt like a second and a lifetime at the same time.

As I thought about Emily on my chest this morning and trying to kiss her, I began to wonder if I every did actually kiss her before I let her go. I was in such shock that day. Most of what happened in the days leading up to Emily's birth and death are a blur. I probably did kiss her, but memories like those are slipping away the further I get from her.

I have been holding it together really well the last few weeks. I think about Emily daily, but I have not had a really sad day in awhile.

It is like many people have said, the grief gets better, you never forget, but it gets a bit easier to go about life as time goes on.

Since Emily died, life has moved on, sometimes even though I wish it had stopped. There have been many family gatherings since January 26th: Birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day and even my Birthday. It has been difficult for me to attend many of these events just because being around family reminds me that we will never be able to share these holidays with Emily in our arms. I have managed to do some kind of celebrating during most of those dates, but not with the whole family. However, Sunday I was finally able to attend a family celebration with most of my family that lives in town. I went and celebrated Father's Day. This is a huge stepping stone for me.

Do you ever wish you could get off this rollercoaster that is life and grief and just sit still for a little bit on ground that does not move? That is how I feel right now, like there is never a time to catch my breath before another loop or turn.

Five Minute Friday ~ Home

 It has been a few weeks since I have participate in Five Minute Friday. The main reason: I have not felt much like writing. I am trying to get over this slump I find myself in and beginning to write again. I was writing a post earlier and I went to hit publish and for some reason blogger had logged me out and it had not been auto-saving so my great post was lost. And I really did not feel like rewriting it, so I put it aside and maybe in the next few days I will try again. The problem is that I will never be able to write the exact same thing again. It will be similar, but never the same, and today that makes me sad. I have no explanation for the feeling, but it is how I feel.

But with all that being said I am going to attempt to write today.

GO.

Home for me is not where I was born, it is not even where I was raised. I have discovered that home for me is where my husband and daughter are.

For most of my life we have moved A LOT. I think the longest I ever lived in one place was 6 years. The thought of a home is different to me than to many people. In the three years my husband and I have been married, we have lived in 4 homes. Would you be surprised to know that no one in my family is part of the military, this has just been my life. I would love to have a place to call HOME. One place to raise our children, but since right now we do not have that I realize how important finding home with those who I love is the most important part.

Home is not a place, it is what you make with those who are closest to you.

STOP.

Wow, five minutes goes by fast when you have one focused topic and you are only thinking about that. Will you join me this week at The Gypsy Mama for her weekly blog hop Five Minute Friday 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Blog Directory

I am pleased to share that my new project the Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Blog Directory is now live. I am so happy with how it is coming along. Now I need your help to build the directory. There are three ways you can help.

1. Visit the PAIL Blog Directory at http://paildirectory.blogspot.com/ & submit to have your blog added. 
2. Please blog about the directory to spread the word
3. If you have any suggestions about how the directory could be better please let me know.

This is a way that I have found to use my loss of Emily Faith to positively impact other families who have also suffered a loss.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement as I have begun this project.

Back From The Land Of...

I have had several comments that I have not been posting very regularly. In fact I even missed Wordless Wednesday this week.

I have a good reason, I promise...

I have been potty training Maddie. I HAD A PLAN, but as I have learned, with a child (especially a toddler) nothing ever goes as planned. My plan was to start potty training next week, after all the craziness of the beginning of June slowed down and we would be home a bit more. Well, Maddie decided last week, while my best friend was here, that she wanted to start going pee pee on the big girl potty. I knew that if I discouraged it things might not go well in a few weeks, so we started potty training last Thursday. We are not training how I had planned, but she is getting the concept. She has about four wet underwear a day, but as soon as she goes she comes and tells me, and she is asking to go several times a day.

I am exhausted, keeping up with her and the potty training and trying to keep up with household stuff is wearing me out.

Some days I don't have much time to be sad or thing about Emily. There are quiet moments when I will stop and think about our little girl and that we should be holding her in our arms now. I think one place I think about her most often is while driving in the car. I often find my mind wandering, thinking about the pregnancy and her birth and the few hours we had with her.

This weekend I will be walking in The Rock and Walk in Tacoma for The Tears Foundation. You can read my post here about The Tears Foundation and what the do for families who have recently lost a child. I am proud to be able to support this foundation.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of activities and new information, I am just reeling. I am hoping things slow down a bit in the next few weeks and we get some answers to some things that could make a big difference in our future.

I hope that I will be able to share some exciting news about our family's future in the next few weeks.

Happy List Saturday

It is Saturday again, and time for a happy list. It has been a few weeks since I have participated. Not because I have not had things to make me happy, just because I have not felt like doing one. I am going to keep this happy list short this week. But it is a wonderful list this week. This has been such an amazing week. I could keep coming up with words to describe this week, but maybe it is better to just share my list with you.

New blog design
Did you notice a change this week on my blog? I am so happy with how it turned out. I hope to make a few more minor changes to it in the coming months, but right now, it is right where I want it. Every time I open my blog I smile. It truly makes me happy. The design would not have been possible had it not been for the next thing on my happy list...

Franchesca at Small Bird Studio
She is an amazing woman. I have been so blessed by reading her blog. And now she has used her talents to design my blog. When I saw my blog design for the first time, my first thought was PERFECT. I am so thankful for the talent of others. There is a lot I can do, but designing a blog is not one of them. If you are interested in having your blog redesigned the waiting list at Small Bird Studio is now open. I promise you will not be sorry if you decide to use Franchesca for your design.

My dear friend Amanda
This week my best friend from childhood came for a visit. Up until 3 years ago we have lived within an hour drive of each other. Three years ago I moved 2000 miles away, and we get to see each other about once a year. It was such a wonderful visit. We spent the 5 days, getting our nails done, playing board games (one of our favorite activities), going out to lunch, seeing a movie (Bridesmaids) talking, and just spending time together.

My Husband
I have put Ron on my happy list before. But of course he always makes me happy. This week he deserves another mention because he was wonderful this week. He watched out daughter several afternoons so that Amanda and I could go have girl time...And he cooked dinner three nights in a row. It was such a nice break, and such wonderful food (Carne Asade, BBQ Chicken, & Spaghetti).

Thunder Storms
There were so incredible thunder storms this week. Where we live we can watch the storm roll in and just wait for it to make it to our part of town. The thunder storm would roll in and then be gone as quickly as it had come. I also love the smell of spring rain.

I could go on and on about this week, but I will stop there for this weeks list. I am so glad that this week turned out the way it did. Sunday was not a great day for me, but it sure turned around.

I hope you have an amazing weekend.

A Sonnet for Emily

My youngest sister, Amy wrote this beautiful sonnet for me, in honor of Emily Faith. I am so blessed to have a family that wants to honor the little life that left us too soon.  

My Ladybug

On this Monday I sadly remember

The sweet expected due date of her birth

For her my heart will always be tender

Emily Faith was too early for earth.

Fighting since the minute of arrival

Resuscitating for hours on end

The Doctors gave up hope of survival

Not even a day, Emily has friends

Prayers upon prayers comfort our souls

Point fifteen ounces, thirteen inches long

The long hospital hours takes a tole

I am sadden that you are really gone

God has plans for his little lady bug

A chance will never come for us to hug 

                                                                              

                                                                                      -Amy



Wordless Wednesday ~ At the Park

No, we did not do an outfit change...It was two different days at the park.

A New Project

I have finally decided what I want to do to be a blessing to other BLM.

I am so excited about this project. I have been tossing around this idea probably for the last two months, but I finally decided that it is time to take action.

Several days after Emily died I went online trying to find other women who had suffered a similar loss to me. What I found was a whole community of women (and some men) supporting each other through their grief.

One of the first sites I came across was the Infant Loss Blog Directory. It was on this site that I found several blogs that offered some tremendous healing to me. Letting me know I was not alone and that there are women out there who understand my grief and pain.

I have decided to start a new directory. When I first started thinking about this project I had hoped to join the team of women who had been working on the previous directory, but my vision of the directory has changed and I feel that with the current directory I cannot fully realize my vision. I plan to include a link to the original directory, since there are a lot of helpful resources and a large database of blogs, but this directory will hopefully have more new and active blogs on it.

So with out more words I would like to share that vision with you...
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory

I spent a lot of time and spoke with several people regarding the title. The acronym PAIL fits very nicely with the title and I will often use PAIL when talking about the directory. It is in the beginning stages right now and in not open for public view right now. I hope to have the directory live with in a few weeks.

One of the reasons I am sharing this now on my blog is that I would like to start building the directory before it goes live. This is where you all come in:

I would love to have you begin to start submitting your blogs to be added to the directory and if you would please pass on this information to any other BLM. You can link back to this post, or if you would even blog about it for me.

I want to have permission to add each blog to the new directory, so while I could just start adding blog I know about I would like to go about it a bit differently.

I also want to do an "In Memory" post each month, remembering our children who have died so I am requesting information from each, mom, dad or even grandparent that submits a blog (if they want to).

To have your blog added to the directory please send an e-mail to pailblogdirectory@gmail.com
In your e-mail please include the following information:

1. Your name - (first name only is perfectly fine)
2. Your child(ren)'s names
3. Birth date
4. Death date
5. Name of your blog
6. The blog address
7. Category you would like your blog to appear under. (See below for categories, please only pick one)
8. Please also include if you discuss TTC or living children in your blog. We want to be sensitive to others who may not want to read about living children or TTC. Your blog will have a (*) after it to signify this.

 Blog Categories:
Pregnancy loss before 20 weeks
Stillbirth and other loss: 20 weeks to full term
Loss at Birth and Beyond
Multiple Losses
Blogs written from the grandparent(s) perspective
Blogs written from the father's perspective
In Memory Blog ~ in support of other baby loss moms and dads

I want to thank you all in advance for supporting me in the project. I promise that as soon as I take the directory live I will post it here on my blog.

Five Minute Friday ~ On Forgetting

Is it really Friday already? This whole week I have been trying to remember what day it REALLY is. All day Tuesday I was sure it was Wednesday and Wednesday seems like a blur, and I am not even sure what happened to Thursday, other than I got A LOT of cleaning done.

So here I am at Friday, and it is time to take 5 minutes to just write. Some days 5 minutes is all I can take to write. I savor those times that I can take a break and just write. And I am getting to write early in the morning today since our daughter decided to sleep in (could have something to do with the late bedtime last night, but I will take what I can get)

With all that said...I am joining The Gypsy Mama for 5 Minute Friday. "Five minutes to just write, and not worry if it’s just right or not."

GO.

Some days I want to forget. Forget this horrible nightmare that we have found ourselves in the past four months. I want to forget that I should be holding our infant daughter but will never do that again on Earth.

But forgetting about the past four months means forgetting about Emily and I want to remember that I carried her for 23 weeks and 2 days and that she lived for 10 hours and that I am so blessed to be her mother, even for the short time.

Forgetting means losing the person that I am, the things that have formed and shaped who I am today. I don't want to forget. Not ever. I am a stronger person because of everything I have gone through in my life.

On a lighter note, ever since I got pregnant with our first child I have begun to forget things. Most of them are not super important things, but my brain seems to have been taken over. I loss track of time, I forget important dates until it is past the date.

If it was not for my Smart phone I might forget a whole lot more.

STOP.

Wordless Wednesday ~ Multi-tasking

She was reading a book and watching TV.

A Celebration

Yesterday would have been Emily's due date. I wrote in detail about how I was feeling and what we tentatively had planned. But I wanted to share what we ended up doing and share a few pictures too.

Most of yesterday was a normal day...laundry, nap time, and a trip to the grocery store to get a few things items and pick up balloons. By the way I forgot the balloons on the trip to the store so I had to ask my wonderful husband to pick them up on his way home from work; which he did. And he brought me a surprise home as well. A bouquet of beautiful pink roses. I took some up close pictures too, so that you could see how pretty they are.

My husband initially purchased three balloons, but shortly after he got home one of them popped, so we had to go back to the store and get two more. She there are all four of the balloons. Three to release, and one for Maddie to keep.

We decided to go out to dinner so that I did not have to cook last night. We also invited one other family to join us, my dear friend Melissa, her husband and their two boys.

Checking out the drink menu...don't worry she did not get to order off that menu.

After dinner we all went back to our house and had carrot cake and then released the three balloons. Maddie drew a picture on one balloon and Ron and I each wrote a note to Emily.

It was windy and overcast, but it was still perfect. Watching the three balloons sail off into the sky and hearing Maddie say "here you go Emily" was the perfect end to yesterday.

Getting ready to release the balloons

There they go

Watching to balloons fly away

Waving to the balloons

Yesterday was a special time. I did not feel as awful as I thought I might. In fact I don't think I cried yesterday. But I am okay with that. This was a time to remember Emily and to celebrate the time that we had with her.

I have found it interesting that it is not the actual significant dates that are the hardest, but the ordinary days that I feel her loss the most, and cry the most.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prays yesterday, they made me feel very loved and cared for.