Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Did I?

I have been reading on many blogs lately about how as time goes by you feel further away from the child that you lost. I had not really understood that thought until this morning.

I am not even sure what triggered the thought, I was sleeping and the next minute I was thinking about Emily and how long it has been, in 5 days it will have been 5 months since we said goodbye. It always seems like the days leading up to an important day are the hardest, for me, so far, the actually day has been easy compared to the days before.

This morning I was thinking about the last time I held Emily. She was disconnected from all the wires and tubes that were keeping her alive and placed on my chest. It is strange the things I remember, when I remember them. I remember that they placed her really high on my chest. I remember this because when I tried to kiss her while she was on my chest I could not bend my neck enough to actually be able to kiss her. While I was holding Emily she took two more small shallow breaths. I do not know the exact second when she passed from this life into the arms of Jesus. I just held her for a long time. I know that the time we spent with her was not really that long in the grand sceam of things, but it sure felt like a second and a lifetime at the same time.

As I thought about Emily on my chest this morning and trying to kiss her, I began to wonder if I every did actually kiss her before I let her go. I was in such shock that day. Most of what happened in the days leading up to Emily's birth and death are a blur. I probably did kiss her, but memories like those are slipping away the further I get from her.

I have been holding it together really well the last few weeks. I think about Emily daily, but I have not had a really sad day in awhile.

It is like many people have said, the grief gets better, you never forget, but it gets a bit easier to go about life as time goes on.

Since Emily died, life has moved on, sometimes even though I wish it had stopped. There have been many family gatherings since January 26th: Birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day and even my Birthday. It has been difficult for me to attend many of these events just because being around family reminds me that we will never be able to share these holidays with Emily in our arms. I have managed to do some kind of celebrating during most of those dates, but not with the whole family. However, Sunday I was finally able to attend a family celebration with most of my family that lives in town. I went and celebrated Father's Day. This is a huge stepping stone for me.

Do you ever wish you could get off this rollercoaster that is life and grief and just sit still for a little bit on ground that does not move? That is how I feel right now, like there is never a time to catch my breath before another loop or turn.


Sarita Boyette said...

I think the fact that we are in shock when our child dies blocks some of our memories. I think back also and wonder, did such & such really happen? After Meredith died, I would even wake up some days & think, was it a dream, and then realize it wasn't.
Thinking of you and praying for you. xoxo

Nichole said...

I feel similar to the way you describe in this post. Friday will have been a month since we said goodbye to Lindsey. I just realized this yesterday and very similar thoughts have been running through my mind. Sometimes I have to convince myself that everything that happened was real, it does feel like a dream now. It hurts me that the memories are not fresh in my mind anymore, even after a month. I miss her every minute of every day. You are in my T&Ps.

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

I pray everyday that I don't forget those moments. I hope we can all get a chance to catch our breath. You and sweet Emily are in my thoughts.

Becky said...

all the time.
You talking about Emily on your chest and trying to kiss her made me think about trying to kiss Liam when he was on mine. It was so hard to try and kiss him because I was still so numb from surgery and in shock. I don't remember if I ended up kissing him or not.
Thinking of you both...

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