Sunday, September 11, 2011

The "Right" Thing is not Always Right

I feel like I have had a writer's block the last month or so. It was not until last night that I finally figured out why I have not been able to write or really even visit this blog very often. This blog has always been a place for me to come and share my feelings about Emily, how I am feel about losing her, how I am grieving and our life after Emily. But recently I have not felt like sharing. I have even been dreading this upcoming week. I am so thankful to my husband for finally putting words to his, as well as my feelings about the next week. In case you are lost, the memorial service put on by the hospital where we delivered Emily is this coming Thursday, September 15.

I wish I could put into words how I have been feeling the last month. I am just not sure what the words are. I have been almost dreading going to the memorial service. Weeks ago I wrote about how I felt like this memorial would be a final goodbye to Emily. But the truth is I don't need a "finally goodbye." I know where my daughter is; She is in heaven with Jesus. She is in the best place possible for her. I would love to have her here on this earth with our family, but she is in such a better place. We made a decision about what to do with Emily's physical body in the hospital on January 27th. For our family it was the right choice.

Since finding out about the memorial I have felt like the "right" thing to do is go to the service, but I have not been anticipating it, I have been dreading it. For me it is not going to be a closure or a goodbye; that has already happened. Emily is in my heart and I don't need a place to go to remember her. I remember her every day. With all of that said we have decided not to attend the memorial. I can't even express the pressure and dread that has lifted since we made this decision. It is like I was forcing my self to go through a motion for someone else and do what everyone would expect me to do. But my grief is not about everyone else, it is about me. That is one thing I have learned in the months since Emily's death; everyone processes a loss and deals with grief differently and no one should be made to feel like what they are doing or not doing is right or wrong.

It has been 7 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since we lost our sweet little girl. So much has happened in the life of our family. We have gone from extreme sadness and grief to such joy and anticipation for the future. The Lord has truly blessed us in the months since Emily's death. Losing a child is something that I wish no parent every had to experience, but the loss has changed me as a person and while I wish these changes could have come about in a different way I am happy with who I am.

Sweet Emily,
Momma loves you so much. I am so thankful that you were in our life for even the short time that you were. I miss you so much, but at the same time I love thinking that you will never know the pains of life. You are in a perfect place, at the feet of Jesus. And one day we will get to see you again. I am excited for that day, but know you are in great hands until that day.

Love your mom


Nichole said...

Rachel, I will keep you in my T&P during this difficult time. This is a beautiful post and it really touched me. I too have been struggling lately but because Lindsey's EDD is approaching and the reminders are just so hard to deal with at times. Thank you for sharing.

*Lauren* said...

I understand your decision to not attend the memorial service. Everybody handles their grief differently, and you have to make the right choice for yourself. Thinking of you!

Nika M. said...

Praying for you.

Sarita Boyette said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarita Boyette said...

In going to the memorial, in some ways, you would be starting the grief process all over. Please don't worry about what others may think - your emotions and health are of the utmost importance. I know you love your baby so much. I'm glad the pressure has been released. xoxo

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