Five weeks (6/15/11)
In a few short days we will be 6 weeks pregnant, but I decided today that I want to keep a weekly journal of the pregnancy, how I am doing emotionally, and physically. I took a pregnancy test on June 7th. I was two days late, and I am never late, but I was still surprised when the pregnancy test came back positive within 20 seconds. I immediately looked up online “what are the chances of a false positive?” Not very likely…So I took a second test just to be sure. And the next day got a blood test done, JUST TO BE SURE. Well they were all POSITIVE. So I accepted that I am pregnant. My first though was, “how can I do this so soon…” I am so excited, but nervous and scared too.
The last week has been a roller coaster. Deciding who to tell now and how long to wait to tell everyone else. We still have not decided how long to wait, but I do know that we will wait at least until our first doctor appointment. So far they have been wonderful at the clinic. They are going to see me next Thursday. I will be almost 7 weeks. I am so excited; next week cannot come soon enough, still over a week away.
There is not much change yet. I have noticed I am hungrier. I am really trying to eat well, and not just eat a bunch of junk. In fact I am trying to be really good and follow all the “rules.” I know there is no guarantee that if I do everything right I will get a healthy baby, but I can at least try. I am religiously taking my prenatal vitamins (I was never very good at it with the other two pregnancies). No lunch meat or hot dogs for me, though the lunch meat is killing me already, I love sandwiches almost more than any other food. I do not have any food aversions yet. No morning sickness either, though that never started with the other two until about 12 weeks.
I am happy and doing okay one moment and the next I am crying about something. I miss Emily, but it seems as the days go by and this new life is growing inside me, that she is getting further away. I still look at her picture every day and think about her, but it is different. I have heard it said that people find healing though a new pregnancy. I want the healing, but at the same time healing means moving on. Not forgetting her, but not living in the same grief that I have for the past four months. It has only been four months (in 12 days it will be 5 months), in some ways it seems like a life time ago and in other ways it seems like it just happened yesterday. How is that even possible? I have thought a lot about how this pregnancy will affect my grief and how the loss of Emily will affect this pregnancy? I guess just time will show me the answer to both of those thoughts.
I have found out about two pregnancy losses this week, one was at 20 weeks and the other was at 24 weeks. I do not know either of these women, but they live in our city and I will be meeting them both over the next few weeks. I am so sad for them. I wish that no mother had to endure that kind of pain. I want so badly to give each of these women a big hug, and let them know that they are not alone.