Friday, April 29, 2011

Five Minute Friday...If I Knew I Could, I Would

If I knew I could, I would have a house full of children. Foster children, adopted children, biological children. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have a large family. Not insanely large, but enough children that the house is always full of laughter. I think family is so important and I want to give that to as many children as I can.

Try something new each week. Not just simple things like a new food, but a new hobby, a new activity, just something.

It would sure be nice if it was that easy, I just do something if I knew I could. I would love that freedom.

I guess the turth is that I could have the freedom if I just tried.

If I knew I could, I would give more of my time, money, and love to more people.

Time's up.

Just five minutes to share, no editing, no revising, no worry; just me and my thoughts for 5 minutes. This post in in response to The Gypsy Mama on Five Minute Friday.

Join in won't you.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


This is an update from my last post.

Maddie's optometrist appointment went really well, except for the incredibly long wait to see the doctor. Our appointment was at 10:35 and we did not leave the office until 11:40. It would not have been so bad if the office had been kid friendly, but it was certainly not. I has been under the impression that this was a kid friendly office, but other than a little box of goodies for the kids when they leave the office, it was NOT kid friendly. I am so glad that I planned ahead and brought snacks and a few things for Maddie to do.

We were told that anatomically the bridge of Maddie's nose is really wide and that causes her eyes to appear like they are not focusing in the same direction; who knew. The doctor also told us that she is a bit far sided, but nothing that he treat right now. So we are going to take her back in a year and see how she is doing.

I am so glad that everything is okay, and also glad that we took her in, just to be sure.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Ramblings About My Week

This morning at MOPS I met my friend's baby girl for the first time. We were pregnant together and she was due exactly two months before me. He baby is beautiful and so precious. I cried, but she was wonderful about the whole thing. I did not hold the baby, but at least I have gotten past the first meeting. Now hopefully we can get back to play dates for Maddie and her daughter (though sometimes I wonder why, since two year old girls seem to fight over every single toy.)

My husband also left tonight for almost a week. A good friend of his, father died last last week and my husband is going to go to the funeral. But we figured since he was going to make the flight that he should also see his dad and a few other friends before he came home. Then the funeral date got change and so we had to make some changes in his travels. Basically it means that he will be gone two days longer than we had originally planned.

I am wondering how I am going to handle being alone for almost a week. I am sure I will make it, but tonight I am sad and already missing him and he only just left.

Tomorrow I am taking Maddie in to see the Optometrist. We have noticed about two months ago that her eyes are not always looking in the same direction at the same time, so we decided to have it checked out. But it took nearly a month to get her seen by her pediatrician and then almost a month to get an appointment with the Optometrist. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow. I know how Maddie is with new people, and especially new people who want to examine her in any way. So tomorrow should be an adventure.

I am crying less lately, but crying at odd times. I am getting closer to my EDD with Emily and that has been making me think a lot too...

I just looked at the date and realized that it was three months ago today that Emily was born and died. I am actually sad that I did not think about it sooner. But I guess my mom did. She remembered. She gave me tulips today and said these are for Emily. It makes sense now. How could I do that? Forget the three month mark? I think about her everyday. But sometimes the days get so busy with "normal" things that I don't stop and think about Emily until the evening. She is always in my mind, but to actually stop and think sometimes takes all day.

It was at this point in my pregnancy with Maddie that my water broke. Such strange thoughts going through my head now. This is the point in my pregnancy where I had planned to be done getting ready for our 2nd child. My plan had been from the beginning to be ready by 35 weeks, so that in case the baby came early we would be ready.

This is sure not the direction I had intended when I started writing tonight. I was just going to write a quick update and look where I went.

Those are my ramblings for tonight. Sorry for all the directions I took. I guess some days are just like that.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A Second Award!

I was awarded my second blog award. This is so much fun. Thank you to Lauren at Our Empty Cradle for giving me this award. I am planning to soon redo my blog to be even more worthy of this award. Stay tune for my new design.

Okay so the rules are the same as the last award.

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award
2. Tell 7 things about yourself
3. Award other bloggers - The Stylish Blogger Award is to be awarded to 10 - 15 people.
4. Notify winners

Okay let's see 7 more things about me

1. I am not addicted to coffee. I will occasionally drink very flavored coffee if I am super tired. But I really do not like the taste.

2. I love nap time. I usually don't nap. But it gives me at least 2 hours of free time, which I usually spend blogging or catching up on TV shows that have been DVR'ed

3. I almost never watch live TV anymore. I hate commercials so I will purposely wait 20 minutes to start a show, just so that I can fast forward the commercials

4. I worked at Disneyland in California for 5 years. Even thought it was work it was like I getting to play everyday.

5. I do not like shoes. I would were flip flops everyday of the year if I could or go bare foot.

6. My favorite color is purple.

7. My favorite hobbies are sewing and reading. Two hobbies that cannot be done together or at the same time. But both very relaxing for me.

Now for those women who I want to give this award to. Thank you all for sharing your story on your blog. Each and every one of you have touched and blessed me in some way.

Laura Jane at Better Left to Chance

Lauren Ashley at My Guiding Light

Now just follow the rules above to receive the award.

Happy Easter!

The true meaning of Easter

Borrowed from Franchesca at Small Bird Studio

Saturday, April 23, 2011

My First Blog Award

I have been blogging for almost three months and have seen several people with blog awards and thought "how cool is that." I wonder how they get them. Well guess what? I got my first one today. C at It was the best of time, and the worst of times... gave me the award. The rules for receiving the award are simple (only 4)

and the rules are...

1.Link back to the person/s that gave you the award.
2.Award other bloggers the award-- 15 recently discovered bloggers.
3.Contact the bloggers that you have awarded to let them know that they have won.
4.Tell 7 things about yourself ( I suppose they should be lesser known facts to the blogworld!)
I have began following so many blogs in the the last three months and so many of them has touched me beyond anything I can express.

1. Mandy at Under the Weeping Willow ~ She has lost two sons to Potter's Syndrome, one only 6 weeks ago.

2. Melissa at Crumbs...Chaos...and Love!!!! ~ This is a dear friend of mine. I have fun reading her blog on a regular basis.

3. Kelly at Kelly's Korner ~ This has been a fun blog for me to read and just enjoy. She has two living children that are just adorable.

4. Kristina at 3 Under 4 & More ~ This blog has made me laugh, and some days I just need a laugh

5. Natalie at God's gift of "Grace" ~ This blog, which I only found, a few weeks ago, has been such a blessing. Natalie has such an amazing perspective on the loss of her daughter.

6. Sarita at Our Perfect Rose ~ Sarita lost her daughter in 1974. I am so glad that she has started blogging and has been able to connect with other BLM.

7. Mary at The Great Elephant Symposium ~ I only found this blog a week ago, but I have loved reading this blog.

8. Jill at Footprints on our Hearts ~ She is a fellow BLM who lost twins in 2009. I have been following her blog for just a few weeks.

9. Melissa at Amelia Grace ~ She is pregnant with their rainbow baby. It is so exciting to see her journey to have this baby.

10. Meg at Pink Skys and Dragonflys ~ The first thing that drew me to Meg's blog was the title. What has kept me reading is how she shares what is in her heart. It is a pleasure to read her blog.

Nicole at Caroline's Family ~ They lost their first baby six months ago and are now waiting to welcome a new baby girl into the world. I only found Nicole's blog this week, but am blessed by what she has shared.

I know that it says 15 people, but I hope you will forgive me for only doing 9. The other people I was going to award have already gotten the award in the last few days, and I did not want to overwhelm them with too many awards.

Okay so now for the last part. 7 things about me:

1. I spent 6 months in Scotland. It was such a wonderful time in my life. I loved Scotland and would love to go back one day.

2. While I love animals I just don't like cleaning up after them, so until we have a child who is old enough to take on the responsibility, the only pets we will have are gold fish.

3. I met my husband on We lived 70 miles apart when we met, so we did a long distance relationship until we got married 1 year and 3 months later.

4.My best friend (who I have known since 3rd grade) lives way too far away from me, and I secretly hope that she will move closer soon. I sure miss her.

5. I love doing the laundry, but hate emptying the dish washer. Not sure why I dislike emptying the dishwasher so much, but I do.

6. I will eat tomatoes, but very much dislike avocado.

7. I grew my own garden last year, but ended up with way too much zucchini, not enough tomatoes and just enough onions. This year I am only going to grow tomatoes.

This was fun for me to do today. I have been sick for the last few days and having this fun distraction sure helped me feel a bit better. I hope this cheers you up too.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Five Minute Friday...Hard Love

Do you have five minutes? As mothers sometimes that is all we can spare to get in a bit of writing. That is probably why I like this blog hop each week. It gives me a set amount of time to get my writing done and it gives me something to write on when I just can't find words for anything else. Hop on over to The Gypsy Mama and join in on this blog hop today.


Have you ever stopped and thought of the agony that Mary, Jesus' mother went through as she watched her son dying on the cross? What must have that been like for her? For a mother to loss her child.

The love of a mother goes so deep. I think it is one of the deepest feelings we will ever encounter. I have seen a child die. I have held a child in my arms as she died. We had to make the agonizing call to stop trying to resuscitate her and just let her go. That is hard love. The hardest decision, one no parent ever wants to have to make.

As mothers we go through so much for our children; the sleepless nights, getting thrown up, peed and pooped on, the hard labor, and so much more. But it is all worth it to see the smiles and feel the wonderful hugs and kisses.


I have a few more minutes and wanted to write a bit more about Mary and what I have been thinking. I don't know why until tonight it never occurred to me what it must have felt like for Mary to watch her son die. Mary had to witness one of the worst things for a parent, the death of a child. What must that have been like for her? To watch the life leave her first born son and there was nothing she could do for him. To see him suffer and be in so much pain.

Wow, what a picture. What a way to think about Easter and really grasp how much God loved us. To let his son go through so much pain and to die, because of his amazing love for us.

Good Friday has a new meaning in my heart tonight as I think of it in an entirely different light. The pain of parents watching their child died.

But what a glorious promise that we will see those children again one day.

May you have a blessed Easter weekend.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What's In A Name? ~ Blog Hop

This is my 80th post! Wow, I never thought I would have this much to say. 80 posts in just under 3 months.

Realizing that this was kind of a milestone, I decided I wanted to do something special for this post. What to do?

I decided I wanted to talk about the meaning of our daughter's names and how and why we chose the names we did. And make it into a blog hop.

Madalyn Joy
With our first we did not find out if she was a girl or boy. We waited until she was born to find out, and because of this we had to come up with boys and girls names. I will spare you all the boys names we came up with, but as far as girls names, well that is another story.

We liked, Payton, Calliegh, Nicole and Madalyn. But just like the list Madalyn was our last choice, our least favorite name to begin with. I am so glad we had choices. When Maddie was born, she just looked like a Madalyn. There is no other way to explain it. So that is what we named her.
But her name was more than just a random choice once she was born. We had carefully selected each name. I truly believe that a name shapes who a person is for their entire life. Yes, someone can overcome a name, but generally speaking it shapes who you are.
Madalyn means "from the tower" and her middle name Joy means, well, "joy." If you put those two together she name means "From the tower of Joy." This is what she has been to us from the day we found out we were pregnant.

Emily Fatih
When we found out we were pregnant a second time we decided from the beginning that we were going to find out what we were having. It just made sense, and I really wanted to be preparing Maddie for a brother or sister.

Once we found out we were having a girl we started again on trying to select the perfect name. We tossed around Payton, Nicole, Gretchen, Addison, and Abigail, but never once did the name Emily come up until the night before she was born.
The moment I heard what Emily meant I knew that was going to be our little girl's name. Emily means to "strive or excel." I felt like our baby girl deserved a name that fit her personality from the beginning. Emily Faith means to "strive or excel in Faith." I believe that there was no better name for her. She surpassed what the doctors every thought possible.

I believe the names we give our children are gifts that they carry with them for the rest of their lives.

How about you? How did you choose your child(ren)'s name? What is the meaning of the your child(ren)'s name? Please share and link up here with me.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Small Miracles ~ Life

I have tried to write this post several times over the last two days, but always have to stop writing because I just don't have the words, my mind seems to go blank. I finally have the words, I know what my small miracle is:

The miracle of life.

For those of us who have lost a child at any stage in pregnancy and beyond we treasure those moments we had with our child(ren). But I really struck me today. What a miracle that I have had the chance to be pregnant, not just once, but twice. I had the opportunity to care for Emily for 23 weeks. The Lord blessed us, but allowing us to get pregnant and then to carry our sweet baby. We did not get the chance to raise her, but she is and will always be ours.

I have had so much sad news in the last 7 days, a dear friend, a sweet baby boy, and a close friend of my husbands all passed away recently. I have cried for each one, but I have also rejoiced in their lives. Each one of them was on this earth for a reason and now each one of them is no longer with us, but they remain in our hearts.

This is not the most uplifting small miracles post I have written, but it is my heart. I found a verse today that I thought was perfect for this post today. I had thought about writing a post about it, but that is not where I felt led to write today, but I do want to share the verse with you.

Psalm 71:14 - As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

This is my prayer, I want to aways have hope:

Hope that the Lord is near me and that He cares for me, even in the hard times.

Hope that one day we will see those we have lost again.

Hope in the promise of a rainbow.

Hope that I can praise the Lord, more and more

What miracles have you witnessed or felt lately? Hop on over to Small Bird Studio and join this blog hop and share your small miracle.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Survived!!!!

A week ago a friend called and asked if we could watch their two daughters, age 2.5 years and 11.5 months for 24 hours while they went away just as a couple. Meaning that we would have three children under three for 24 hours (that means over night to). We agreed and yesterday afternoon they dropped off both girls and the fun began. Overall it went fairly well, made easier with the help of my 16 year old sister. She is great with kids and stayed and helped until after they all went to bed. Bed time was a bit of a challenge, but by 8:45 all children were in bed and asleep. Pretty big accomplishment if you ask me.
Then this morning we decided to brave it, and take them all to church. We did it, and we made it on time too.
Just before lunch their parents came picked them up. Overall I had fun, but I was ready for a rest once they left. Now my daughter is napping and I am having my down time. I am in awe of anyone who has twins and another child (which is basically what we had for 24 hours). It is a constant juggling act. I know that when there are your own children it is different, but it sure gave us a look into what it could be like with a house full of kiddos.


There have been so many songs that have touched me in the last several months. I truly believe that the Lord uses music to speak to us sometimes. It is one way that He uses to get our attention and to minister to us when we need it the most. On one of the hardest days last week I was reading Kelly's Korner, and she had done a post about blessings. At the end of her post was this song, "Blessings" by Laura Story. It is a very powerful song and it was just what I needed in that moment. The chorus is what really got me, but the whole song is beautiful.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Happy List Saturday

While I have a few minutes I thought I would write my happy list for this Saturday. I am watching a friends two daughters; ages 2.5 and 11 months for a full 24 hours. That means I have three girls under 3 in the house. We are also going to attempt to go to church in the morning, wish us luck. We have never gotten three children ready to go any where. This should be fun.

This was a rough week, but I do have somethings to be happy about.

Yes, often being there triggers emotional responses in me, but being able to be around so many wonderful women makes me happy.

The double rainbow on Wednesday really was special to see. See my post from Wednesday to see the picture.

Lady Bugs
I have always loved lady bugs, but now that they remind me of Emily I like them even more.

Garage (Yard) Sales
I love finding great deals. I don't think very many of Maddie's toys are brand new. Most of them have been found at garage sales. I love knowing that I did not pay full price for things, yet my daughter has lots of fun toys.

A Clean Kitchen
I love when all the counter tops are cleaned off and everything is in its place.

Yes, it is finally spring. As I write this I am sitting on my couch with all the windows open and the sun shinning in the window. It is WONDERFUL.

So what made you happy this week. Join me over on Natasha's blog and share your happy list.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Five Minute Friday: On Distance

Distance is a funny thing. Often you do not realize the distance of something until you stop and really think about it.

It has been two months, two weeks and six days since Emily died. It is interesting to me that I choose to say "since she died," not "since she was born" I go back and forth between those two phrases. Which is the best to use?

But I digress, distance has played a huge role in my life. When I was a child we lived at least 100 miles from the closest relative and some were much, much further. I was determined that my children would not know this distance from her family, so we now live in the same house as my dad and with in 5 miles of my mom, brother and sister.

When I was in my early 20's I spent 6 months a considerable distance from my family, over 3,000 miles to be more precise. It was a good time for me to grow closer to God and to realize that I can make it on my own. It gave me the Independence I needed to become the adult that I am.

When I started dating my husband we lived over 60 miles apart. That made dating a bit more difficult in the beginning, but we made it work and made a life together, and now there is no distance between us, which is wonderful.


So I have to admit that the last sentence was finished after the 5 minutes were up, but I really could not just leave a sentence hanging, and leave you hanging. So I finished it, but of course writing should not be legalistic, it should be fun, so if I wrote for 5.2 minutes, it is not the end of the word.

Now that you have read my crazy rambling "on distance," why not join me this weeks as I like up with The Gypsy Mama on her Five Minute Friday. You spend 5 minutes writing whatever comes to mind on the topic that she supplies. It is one of my favorite posts of the week.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wordless Wednesday ~ God Things

I know this is Wordless Wednesday, but I felt like the pictures required a bit of an explanation.

For awhile now I have been asking the Lord to give me a thing that is just Emily's. For instance some people think about their baby when they see a frog or a butterfly. I did not have this for Emily and really wanted something, but did not just want to come up with something. Well, today I got that thing.

It was inside the house. just walking on the window. And there was really no way it could have gotten in the house, so I know it was a God Thing.

Just after I got off the phone with both of my friends (see the previous post) it started to rain here. It seemed kind of fitting to me that it was raining today after the horrible news of the afternoon. But after dinner tonight guess what was in the sky? That's right a rainbow, and not just one rainbow, there were two. Rainbows are an amazing occurrence. I am in awe of them each time I see them.

I believe God uses nature and friends to bless and minister to us. Today besides that lady bug and the rainbows, I also received a visit from a friend. She brought me such a beautiful gift. I am so thankful for her thoughtfulness. I was so touched by this simple gesture. And I love the gift.

The round one with the stones is Emily's birthstone (the ruby), the next piece says faith on it, and the third piece is a mother holding a baby.

God shows us mercy and grace when we need it most. Today He knew I was going to need comfort and encouragement, and I know that He already had these "God Things" in place before the events of the day unfolded.

Despite how sad I am over the events of the day, I have an amazing peace.

Sad News

In the last hour I have had two phone calls and both phone calls have been really horrible news.

The first call was from a good friend of mine. She has a friend who recently had twins, the little boy has been in the NICU since he was born (about 2 weeks). She called to tell me that his mommy is holding him right now and that there is nothing more the doctors can do for him. I cried when she told me. My heart is breaking for his family.

Then the second call was another friend, from MOPS, telling me that our mentor mom, Sue passed away this morning. Sue was such a wonderful, faithful women. She has blessed me so much in the past few months. Her visit to the hospital before Emily was born and then the phone calls to see how I was doing. She was such a blessing to me. Now she is in heaven and I sure hope she gets to meet Emily.

I know that both these souls are in heaven, but it does not make losing them any easier.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

One of THOSE Days

It is one of those days, the kind of day where I just want to crawl in to the corner of the couch or onto my bed and cry.

The day started out so well too. I had a few plans for the day, that turned into a few more; and the sun is shining.

Then I went to MOPS. I really should know by now that going to MOPS always triggers something. Lots of pregnant moms and moms with new babies. Older babies I am fine with, it is the newborns that I have a hard time with.

And the speaker today, Pastor Joshua, the senior pastor of the church, spoke about not always having clarity and having faith that God will give you what you need when the clarity is not there.

I am just drained already today and it is only early afternoon. Wonder how I am going to make it through the rest of the day.

I have nothing very profound to say, just that this is where I am today.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Happy List (Not Saturday)

I am a bit late on this, but I thought I would make may happy list anyway.

This week I am happy for:

Who love me and just call to say hi

Play dates for Maddie
It is wonderful to have Maddie entertained while I am able to chat with other moms.

My sisters
I have two sisters. One who lives 5 miles away and one who lives 2000 miles away. This week my youngest sister spent sometime playing with Maddie and keeping her occupied. It was her Spring Break and she spent part of it with us. My other sister, keeps me entertained with her posts on Facebook and touches my heart when she shares how deeply the loss of Emily has touched her.

I got to go shopping twice this week with friends, without kids or husbands. It was such a wonderful time. Yesterday my friend Melissa and I drove to Seattle and spent the day shopping.

The fun of walking around and thinking about what you could do to your living space, and buying random things for the house.

Seafood  (specifically Salmon)
I love seafood, but no one else that I live with likes to eat it. So I rarely cook any kind of fish. But yesterday I got to go out to dinner at a Seafood restaurant and had Salmon. So Yummy!!!!

Trader Joe's
When I lived in California this was one of my favorite places to shop for food, but sadly the closest Trader Joe's is about 150 miles away. But yesterday I got to go shopping there again. So much good food. Here is a picture of a few of the yummy things I got.

New Shoes
For the first time in over 2 years I bought myself a pair of new shoes, and they are hip and sophisticated. So much better than the old Keds I had from before I got married (3 years ago).

My new shoes
Have a wonderful week.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Five Minute Friday...If You Met Me

It's Friday again. I love Friday. For so many reasons: It means the end of another week; It means I can participate in 5 minute Friday (which I have come to enjoy very much); it means the weekend is here and that always brings something fun.

Today I am linking up with The Gypsy Mama for 5 Minute Friday. Do you have five minutes in your day? Why not spend it blogging. Take 5 minutes and write, using the topic provided by Gypsy Mama, no editing, and then link up with everyone else.

So here I go for this week

If you met me...


You would see a women that faces life and what it has to offer. No matter what happens. You might see a smile on my face that betrays how I am really feeling on the inside. I work very hard to make sure that smile is genuine, but sometimes it is in place to protect me from having to share my true feelings with people. I never thought I would be that person, the one who had to hide the pain. I wish I could share it with everyone I meet, but the truth is that not many people really want to be burdened with the truth.

I have great days, and I love life despite that pain I have suffered. If you met me you would also see my incredible love I have for my family; my wonderful husband and my daughter. What you would not see is the love I have for my daughter who is no longer with us.

You know what else comes to mind? If you met me in the grocery store you might see a semi-crazy coupon lady.


It always amazes me what comes to mind when you just write. I spent some time thinking about what I would write today on this topic, but when I actually sat down and spent the five minutes writing something entirely different came out. I love that. I love being able to have the freedom to write what ever I want. This is mostly for me and if you enjoy reading it, and it helps you in some way I am even happier.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

It's a... Blog Party

Ultimate Blog Party 2011

I have been seeing the 2011 Ultimate Blog Party hosted by 5 Minutes for Mom on several of the blogs that I follow and thought, "what a neat idea to be able to "meet up" with other moms." But since it started I have not been in a party mood so I had dismissed it and decided that maybe next year I would join in.

But as I sit at home reading posts from those mom's blogs that I follow and think about what a comfort they have all been to me in the past two months and  two weeks, I realized I want to share my blog too.

One reason I started my blog after Emily died was to be able to process how I was feeling and have an outlet for my grief. But the other reason is because I had found so much comfort in knowing that someone else in the world was and is going through a very similar experience as I am and if I could help just one person it would be worth while to share so openly.

My hope is that this blog can be a blessing and comfort to someone else.

This is my blog, this is me and all the pain and imperfections of my life.

I am a 29 year old wife and stay at home mother. I have two beautiful daughters, one I have the privilege of raising and one in heaven. Emily Faith was born on January 26, 2011, at 23 weeks and 2 days. She lived for 10 wonderful hours and then left us and went to heaven. Losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever had to survive in my life. I am so thankful for the moments I did have with Emily and will treasure them always.

This blog is in memory of Emily Faith, but this blog is more than just a memorial of Emily. It is the journey of my grief and our family's life after Emily.

We have chosen to live each day grateful for the time we had Emily in our life and knowing that one day we will see her again.

Since the loss is so recently many of my posts are about how I am dealing with my grief. I have good and bad days. But I also blog about our family and our daily life. We have a child here on earth and she is such a joy to have in our life. She keeps us hoping and basically is giving us a run for our money, and she is only 2.

Thank you so much for stopping by. My deepest pray is that my blog will be a blessing to those who read it. I write because I love it, but I share what I write because I want to be a blessing to others.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Just when I think that my emotions are nicely in check and I am doing really well, I am hit by a ton of bricks. And it always seems to hit when I am doing something mundane like shopping or driving.

Today, as I was driving around town, I happened to drive by a friend's house, a friend who just had a baby. We were pregnant together. We each already have a girl, three months apart and were both expecting girls that would have been two months apart.

I really want to go visit her and meet her baby girl, but just the thought of actually seeing a newborn baby is a bit hard for me right now. The few times I have seen a newborn baby in the past two months I have had a huge breakdown within the next 24 hours.

It occurred to me recently that I have not held a baby since I held Emily for the last time. This has not been a conscious decision, just the way it has been. Now that I have thought about it, I am not sure I want to hold a baby anytime soon. Then I wonder if maybe it would be healing for me to hold another baby, but in truth I don't want to.

So here I am tonight, feeling sad and really wishing I was still pregnant with a baby that is due in less and two months.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Emotional Triggers

I have kind of had writers block the last several days. I just don't really have anything to say. My grief seems to kind of be at a stand still right now. I am not even sure how to explain it, it seems strange to me to feel this way. It is kind of like I am numb to the pain of my grief. In a lot of ways I have moved on with my life. It seems strange to me that after only 2 months I could be getting back to normal life.

Like I mentioned in a previous post I have started sewing again and I am really enjoying it. Only two months and I am enjoying life and things I once did again.

I have not cried much in that last few weeks either, not like I did in the first month. There was one night several weeks ago, where I cried most of the night and since then I have had a lot of peace and seem to be functioning really well.

*Spoiler alert: If you watch Grey's Anatomy and have not seen last weeks episode yet, you should probably stop reading here until you watch it.*

There have been two occurrence in the last two weeks though that have been triggers.
The first was on Thursday night. My husband and I were watching Grey's Anatomy. (We probably should have stopped watching Grey's weeks ago. We both knew that there could possibly be triggers for us in future episodes because one of the main characters was pregnant and another one is try to get pregnant. But we kept watching it, because we have been watching it for years, so why stop now.) The main character who is pregnant got in a car accident and they ended up having to deliver her baby (she was 23 weeks along, just like I was when Emily was delivered). I just started to cry, my body was shaking. We almost turned it off at the point, but I wanted to find out what happened. The baby was still alive at the end of the episode, but it was very hard to watch.

The second trigger was today. I have been reading the book Heaven is for Real, which by the way I highly recommend. If you know nothing about this book I will give you just a taste of what it is about.
The book is written by Colton's father, but it is about the family's experience as they find out that during an emergency appendectomy Colton, age 3 went to heaven and what he witnessed. It is an amazing book. I was a bit sceptical at first (I believe Heave is real, but I kind of doubted that someone can go to heaven and then come back and tell people about it). After reading the book I feel much different.
It is a super easy read and so worth taking the time to read.
Any way the trigger was in one of the chapters about Colton's other sister, the one in heaven. His mother had a miscarriage before he was born, but they had never told him about the other baby (his parents did not even know the sex of the baby), but while in Heaven Colton meet his sister and later told his parents about her.

So I am not really sure where I am tonight, but I am here sharing and trying to process.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

It's Saturday Again!

This has been a good week. I have had some moments of sadness and the feeling of being unsettled, but overall, this week went well.

Having friends over for a BBQ
On Sunday we had several friends over to BBQ and just spend time together. It was very nice to enjoy the warmer weather and the fellowship of friends.

Sewing again
It has been over a year since I sat down and actually made something for Maddie and several months since I sewed for pleasure. On Thursday I finally sat down at my sewing machine and made a dress for Maddie. It turned out so cute.


Framed pictures of Emily
The pictures I ordered from Shutterfly came last week, and on Sunday I finally got the pictures framed.

Emily Faith's photo book
Emily's photo book also came in the mail this week. It is perfect. Now we have a book with all her pictures in one place.

Emily's Butterfly
Created and sent to me by Raquel over at Hopping to a New Normal... I have not taken a picture of the butterfly yet, but it is perfect, and pink.

Going to Seattle for the weekend
We are going to visit some friends and do lots of shopping.

A lot of this week was centered around getting things that remind us of Emily. I am so glad that it was this week, since last Saturday was two months since she died. It made for a much better week, this week, getting special reminders of her.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Fellow Baby Loss Mamas, I Need Your Help

If you have been reading my blog for awhile you will have probably noticed that I have started to add pages to the top of my blog. One of the pages I have recently added is a page called Ministries.
This page is a list of buttons that link to other blogs and sites that have been set up by BLM. I know how much I have been blessed by many of these women in the last two months and I want to be able to list all the memorial options in one place for other BLM to find and be bless by as well.

I know there are a lot of ministries and organizations that have been started in memory of a child that has died. I would like to add all of them to my blog and the page in particular.

I only have a few listed right now, so I need your help to add more.

To help me accomplish this goal, if your button is not already on the page please either leave me a comment here on this post or send me an e-mail to alastingfootprint (at) Include the link to your page and a short description of what the organization or ministry is. I will include the description as well under the button.

Also if you know of an organization or ministry, even if it is not your own please let me know.

One other thing I need help with. If your button has already been added, I also what to put a bit of information about the ministry or organization below the button. So if you could send me a little paragraph that summerizes it, that would be so helpful also.
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