Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Just when I think that my emotions are nicely in check and I am doing really well, I am hit by a ton of bricks. And it always seems to hit when I am doing something mundane like shopping or driving.

Today, as I was driving around town, I happened to drive by a friend's house, a friend who just had a baby. We were pregnant together. We each already have a girl, three months apart and were both expecting girls that would have been two months apart.

I really want to go visit her and meet her baby girl, but just the thought of actually seeing a newborn baby is a bit hard for me right now. The few times I have seen a newborn baby in the past two months I have had a huge breakdown within the next 24 hours.

It occurred to me recently that I have not held a baby since I held Emily for the last time. This has not been a conscious decision, just the way it has been. Now that I have thought about it, I am not sure I want to hold a baby anytime soon. Then I wonder if maybe it would be healing for me to hold another baby, but in truth I don't want to.

So here I am tonight, feeling sad and really wishing I was still pregnant with a baby that is due in less and two months.


Sherri said...

I'm sorry that you are sad tonight. I hadn't conciously realised that I haven't held a baby since either! Not sure how that's going to go, but I know it won't be any time really soon.. truth be told, I'd rather the next baby I hold be my rainbow!
Sending you hugs!

Caroline said...

{{HUGS}} Thinking of you so much. I know how hard that is. Praying for you.

Jen said...

I haven't held a baby either, just this past weekend I met my friend's daughter who is one month older than Ryan would be. I did good to meet her and sit by her and rub her back. Be gentle with yourself! Sending hugs!

Kristi Ahrens said...

Continuing to pray for you Rachel. I heard "Held" on my way home yesterday and thought of you. See you later this morning.

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