Just when I think that my emotions are nicely in check and I am doing really well, I am hit by a ton of bricks. And it always seems to hit when I am doing something mundane like shopping or driving.
Today, as I was driving around town, I happened to drive by a friend's house, a friend who just had a baby. We were pregnant together. We each already have a girl, three months apart and were both expecting girls that would have been two months apart.
I really want to go visit her and meet her baby girl, but just the thought of actually seeing a newborn baby is a bit hard for me right now. The few times I have seen a newborn baby in the past two months I have had a huge breakdown within the next 24 hours.
It occurred to me recently that I have not held a baby since I held Emily for the last time. This has not been a conscious decision, just the way it has been. Now that I have thought about it, I am not sure I want to hold a baby anytime soon. Then I wonder if maybe it would be healing for me to hold another baby, but in truth I don't want to.
So here I am tonight, feeling sad and really wishing I was still pregnant with a baby that is due in less and two months.
The Spoils Of Victory
6 hours ago