I have kind of had writers block the last several days. I just don't really have anything to say. My grief seems to kind of be at a stand still right now. I am not even sure how to explain it, it seems strange to me to feel this way. It is kind of like I am numb to the pain of my grief. In a lot of ways I have moved on with my life. It seems strange to me that after only 2 months I could be getting back to normal life.
Like I mentioned in a previous post I have started sewing again and I am really enjoying it. Only two months and I am enjoying life and things I once did again.
I have not cried much in that last few weeks either, not like I did in the first month. There was one night several weeks ago, where I cried most of the night and since then I have had a lot of peace and seem to be functioning really well.
*Spoiler alert: If you watch Grey's Anatomy and have not seen last weeks episode yet, you should probably stop reading here until you watch it.*
There have been two occurrence in the last two weeks though that have been triggers.
The first was on Thursday night. My husband and I were watching Grey's Anatomy. (We probably should have stopped watching Grey's weeks ago. We both knew that there could possibly be triggers for us in future episodes because one of the main characters was pregnant and another one is try to get pregnant. But we kept watching it, because we have been watching it for years, so why stop now.) The main character who is pregnant got in a car accident and they ended up having to deliver her baby (she was 23 weeks along, just like I was when Emily was delivered). I just started to cry, my body was shaking. We almost turned it off at the point, but I wanted to find out what happened. The baby was still alive at the end of the episode, but it was very hard to watch.
The second trigger was today. I have been reading the book Heaven is for Real, which by the way I highly recommend. If you know nothing about this book I will give you just a taste of what it is about.
The book is written by Colton's father, but it is about the family's experience as they find out that during an emergency appendectomy Colton, age 3 went to heaven and what he witnessed. It is an amazing book. I was a bit sceptical at first (I believe Heave is real, but I kind of doubted that someone can go to heaven and then come back and tell people about it). After reading the book I feel much different.
It is a super easy read and so worth taking the time to read.
Any way the trigger was in one of the chapters about Colton's other sister, the one in heaven. His mother had a miscarriage before he was born, but they had never told him about the other baby (his parents did not even know the sex of the baby), but while in Heaven Colton meet his sister and later told his parents about her.
So I am not really sure where I am tonight, but I am here sharing and trying to process.
The Spoils Of Victory
6 hours ago