Monday, April 4, 2011

Emotional Triggers

I have kind of had writers block the last several days. I just don't really have anything to say. My grief seems to kind of be at a stand still right now. I am not even sure how to explain it, it seems strange to me to feel this way. It is kind of like I am numb to the pain of my grief. In a lot of ways I have moved on with my life. It seems strange to me that after only 2 months I could be getting back to normal life.

Like I mentioned in a previous post I have started sewing again and I am really enjoying it. Only two months and I am enjoying life and things I once did again.

I have not cried much in that last few weeks either, not like I did in the first month. There was one night several weeks ago, where I cried most of the night and since then I have had a lot of peace and seem to be functioning really well.

*Spoiler alert: If you watch Grey's Anatomy and have not seen last weeks episode yet, you should probably stop reading here until you watch it.*

There have been two occurrence in the last two weeks though that have been triggers.
The first was on Thursday night. My husband and I were watching Grey's Anatomy. (We probably should have stopped watching Grey's weeks ago. We both knew that there could possibly be triggers for us in future episodes because one of the main characters was pregnant and another one is try to get pregnant. But we kept watching it, because we have been watching it for years, so why stop now.) The main character who is pregnant got in a car accident and they ended up having to deliver her baby (she was 23 weeks along, just like I was when Emily was delivered). I just started to cry, my body was shaking. We almost turned it off at the point, but I wanted to find out what happened. The baby was still alive at the end of the episode, but it was very hard to watch.

The second trigger was today. I have been reading the book Heaven is for Real, which by the way I highly recommend. If you know nothing about this book I will give you just a taste of what it is about.
The book is written by Colton's father, but it is about the family's experience as they find out that during an emergency appendectomy Colton, age 3 went to heaven and what he witnessed. It is an amazing book. I was a bit sceptical at first (I believe Heave is real, but I kind of doubted that someone can go to heaven and then come back and tell people about it). After reading the book I feel much different.
It is a super easy read and so worth taking the time to read.
Any way the trigger was in one of the chapters about Colton's other sister, the one in heaven. His mother had a miscarriage before he was born, but they had never told him about the other baby (his parents did not even know the sex of the baby), but while in Heaven Colton meet his sister and later told his parents about her.

So I am not really sure where I am tonight, but I am here sharing and trying to process.


Molly said...

Just read that book last week. Interesting read. I am still processing it I think. I quit watching grey's and all other medical shows when sloane was born. I just couldn't take the drama. And now after losing hayes, there is just now way. But I am curious about who is pg, etc. So I'm going to read up online. ;)

LauraJane said...

I find I feel quite peaceful and calm after a good cry- maybe that one was enough to last you for a couple of weeks?

As for Grey's...

I bawled all through the last episode, most of the ones since Christmas actually... I had a severe hate on for Karev (sp?), after he called the organ donor baby a "turnip" a couple of months ago.

I stopped watching Private Practice when I was pregnant because it always involved baby-drama and it was too much for me...

Sherri said...

Grey's was awful! I wanted to turn it off, but like you couldn't.. and I too was shaking and crying.. seeing that little baby (even though I knew it wasn't real)hit WAYYY to close to home! And now I have to watch this week as well, to see what happens. I was angry all season that Callie was pregnant so easily, and now this! Of course the baby would be preterm and survive!

Jeniffer said...

Oh Rachel...there are so few words that I can say. It is odd, though, carrying on with life when you feel that you shouldn't. Moving past the pain even though the sorrow affects every area. And then. These triggers happen. All of a sudden, the pain is real, intense, and strong. Even for me, after going on two years. It hits, and it's got to be dealt with all over again. Praise God that He loves us, that He holds us during these times. That He never stops bringing us from glory to glory, transforming us for His honor. You shine, sister-girl, even when you don't feel like it. God bless!

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