Just Another Day?

To most people May 23rd is just another day, this year it happens to be a Monday. For me May 23rd holds a lot of meaning.

Today marks my 100th post...It also marks my estimated due date with Emily Faith. I think it is interesting that my 100th post just happens to fall on my EDD of the child that started this all. If it had not been for the loss of Emily I never would have started this blog.

Blogging has been so helpful to me, it has opened a world to me that I never knew existed. I have met so many wonderful women in this journey. I have been blessed beyond words by the sharing and the caring of each women I have met. Those who have experienced a loss of an infant child understand the pain and the grief of those who have also lost an infant child.

I have been dreading this day for a long time. I have thought about how I would feel and what I would do. I had even initially planned to not do much in May, just so that I could be sad. But that is not what has happened. Life goes on, and I have been extremely busy. Not busy enough to forget or to not grieve, but busy enough to survive each day and take moments to be sad and miss Emily.

This morning when I woke up it was just like any other day.

The laundry still has to be done, and I still have to care for our 2 year old. So the day begins.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about a way to memorialize this day and the baby that we will never again hold in our arms. I have tossed around a lot of ideas. But in the end I decided that I wanted to release balloons.

Tonight, Ron, Maddie and I are going to each write a message on a pink balloon and release it. I have wanted to release balloons for awhile now, but I wanted it to be a day that would mean something. So this is the day.

A few weeks ago, my sister, who lives in CA, told me about what she has decided to do on this day. She along with several of her friends who have lost babies are going to do a balloon release in memory of Emily and all of the other babies that have died too soon.

I was so touched that she would consider doing something like this. I would have loved to have joined them, but the trip was just not possible at this time. So we will be there in spirit and we will have our own balloon release.

Since Emily was born and died I have seen so many wonderful things happen. I am been saddened by how much my family and friends have grieved as well, but I have seen such beauty and healing though the pain. I firmly believe that the 23 weeks, 2 days and 10 hours that Emily was alive were all that she needed to accomplish what the Lord had planned for her. And after she was done, He took her home to be with Him.

I am sad that I will never again hold our baby girl on earth, but I am excited for the day when we will be re-united and we will spend eternity together praising our wonderful Saviour.

In Memory of James Robert Veteto (Grandpa Jim)

My grandfather passed away today. Shortly after I finished the last post I heard the news of his death.

I am numb at the moment. I cried when I first found out, but I had to carry on with my day and so I have not had much time to process. I was not particularly close to my Grandpa Jim (as well always called him), but I remember spending holidays and birthdays with him. My little sister Amy was even born on his birthday.

One thing I remember about him, is that he gave us stock for Christmas. When I was young he would give us $20 on our birthday and $50 at Christmas, and then one Christmas he started giving us stock. Imagine the perplexed look on the face of a 9 or 10 year old when you receive a piece of paper for Christmas that is not money. We did still get the $20 on our birthday. I was not thankful for the stock at the time, but now as I am older I really do appreciate it. With the stock I was able to purchase my first car and I still have some of the stock today. He was helping us prepare for our future

I also remember that he used to love to collect stamps. When I was about 13 he gave all of his stamps to me. Over the years I have spent sometime looking at the stamps. I am actually not even sure where they are right now, probably in the garage. I don't think I ever really appreciate those either. But I am so glad that I have those to remember him by.

I had not intended to make this an "in memory" but it just seems fitting.

I have so many wonderful memories of my Grandpa Jim:

Root beer floats in glasses so big there was no way a child could finish it.

Candy...he always had candy on the table, much to the chagrin of my parents.

Pigeons - on several different occasions he raised and raced pigeons. I never went to a race with him, but he would often talk about the birds and the races.

He always had our favorite soda in the refrigerator. He knew what we drank and he always had it there for when we came to visit

Apricots and lemons - both of these tress grew behind his house and when they were in season we would go home with bags of each.

I remember his gardens. During my teen years he occupied his time with gardening. I sure wish I had learned more from him. He had a lot of knowledge to share

While I do not remember it, we lived with my grandparents for I think about a year when I was Maddie's age right now (2 years old). My mom has always told me that he was gone a lot working, but we still lived there. The same house that he lived in until he died.

Rosa Maria burritos - There was this little "hole in the wall" place about a mile from his house. Every time, unless it was a Monday, we went to see him, we would stop at this place. Even to this day, every time we go back to California we make sure to stop and get a burrito.

In the years since I have been an adult, when I have gone to visit we would stop and pick up burritos and take them to his house. Those last few visit were special. They were never very long, but spending time with him was good. And having the opportunity to introduce him to his great-grand daughter was wonderful.

I am sad that Maddie will never know her great-grand father. But I am glad that even though she will not remember, she got to meet him and that we have a few pictures of them together.

I remember out last visit with him, just about a year ago. We almost did not take the time to stop because it was such a crazy trip, but in the end we did end up stopping for lunch and taking him out to get a Rosa Maria burrito. I have no idea what we talked about, but I do remember even then that his health was failing.

His death was not a surprise. I think we all knew that it was going to happen soon. But even when death is expected, it does not make it any easier.

I am sad tonight. I pray that he found Jesus in those final days of his life. I pray that he is in heaven and we will see him again one day. But the truth is I am not sure. Over the years I remember my parents talking to him about Jesus and God, but I also remember telling them that he was not interested in hearing anything. Maybe some of what they shared with him over the years got a hold of his heart.

I am going to end this post with a few pictures. I have very few pictures of Grandpa Jim, but the ones I do have are with him holding Maddie. I am so glad that I have these pictures. Maddie met her great-grandpa for the first time when she was 4 months old. The second and last time she saw her great-grandpa was when she was 17 months old. She really did not want to take the picture, but we did get it finally, even if it was with her binky in her mouth.

The last picture I have with Grandpa Jim

We love you...You will be missed.

Sad News

In the last hour I have had two phone calls and both phone calls have been really horrible news.

The first call was from a good friend of mine. She has a friend who recently had twins, the little boy has been in the NICU since he was born (about 2 weeks). She called to tell me that his mommy is holding him right now and that there is nothing more the doctors can do for him. I cried when she told me. My heart is breaking for his family.

Then the second call was another friend, from MOPS, telling me that our mentor mom, Sue passed away this morning. Sue was such a wonderful, faithful women. She has blessed me so much in the past few months. Her visit to the hospital before Emily was born and then the phone calls to see how I was doing. She was such a blessing to me. Now she is in heaven and I sure hope she gets to meet Emily.

I know that both these souls are in heaven, but it does not make losing them any easier.

Our First Sunday Back

We went back to church today. It is the first time we have been to church since Emily died. The last time I was at church on a Sunday I was still pregnant. The morning, before we left for church, was very difficult. I kept thinking it would be easier to stay home and maybe all the issues we were having would just go away. But I also knew that one reason for all the issues this morning was that we needed to be at church and evil one was doing what he could to distract us from what we really need to do.

We made it to church. Just guess what the service was on today? DEATH!

Yes, you read right, it was on death. Ron and I both looked at each other and considered leaving right then. I mean, our first Sunday back to church and they have to cover the one thing that has been keeping up from church up to this point. We decided to stay. One thing that kept going through my mind was, this is no accident that we are at church on this Sunday, of all Sundays. We were meant to be at this church service on February 27th.

The title of the sermon was "Jesus is Bigger than Death." The passage was Mark 5:21-43.

One thing that really struck me during the sermon was that even though Jesus brought people back from the dead, they did still die again later in life. Our life on earth is fleeting, we have the hope that our life in Heaven is Eternal.

"Death will come but we needn't be afraid of it because Jesus is bigger. There's a day coming when: "Death itself will be swallowed up in victory!" 1 Corinthians 15:54" - Pastor Joshua

At the end of the service we were encouraged to connect the sermon to our life:

• Do we really believe that Jesus is bigger than death?
• Reflect on the lives of one or two loved ones who have died in the Lord
• Proclaim the truth that Jesus is bigger than the death of a loved one.

I cried through most of the service, but I also left with a hope in my heart. I do not miss Emily any less and I am not any less sad. But I have the promise of the Lord that she will rise again, and I will see her again one day. This is the hope that we have. We do not understand why she was taken from us so soon, but He will be our comfort in our time of grief.