Frozen

Before I got pregnant with Emily I used to coupon. I was not a crazy coupon lady (though, there really is one...The Crazy Coupon Lady. You can check her out here.) but I did get some great deals. I would spend several hours a week cutting coupons and looking for deals.

During my pregnancy I was super tired, more so than when I was pregnant with Maddie. Plus we moved a month after we found out we were pregnant. So a lot was going on in the Fall of last year and my couponing suffered. Sure I still used coupons from time to time, but not to the extent that I used to. Then when I went into the hospital using coupons got put on hold completely. Once I got home I just did not care and so the coupons stayed unused.

This week, almost 6 weeks later, I decided that I was going to start using coupons again. I purchased several newspapers, I spent part of Sunday cutting coupons and organizing them (there were a lot of expired coupons in my binder). Then on Sunday (yesterday) afternoon I went to the store. My husband was home so he watched Maddie so I could go to the store by myself. I am so glad that Maddie was not with me at the store.

Shortly after I got to the store I found myself in the frozen food section. I was trying to figure out a deal and make sure I had all the right coupons, and that it was really a good deal, when my brain just sort of stopped. I was in the frozen food section for awhile. I am not really sure how long, but it was like my brain would not function.

I have read that after the loss of a child things that you once enjoyed sometimes do not bring the same joy or excitement. This was the first time that I was actively aware of not enjoying something and not being able to function. It felt so strange. I just stood in the same place in the frozen food section and tried to think what I need to do next.

I did eventually get going again and finished the shopping AND I saved 47% at check out. I felt good about that. After this experience I realize that I cannot rely on my brain like I used to. I used to be able to go to the store without a list and come home with everything I had gone to the store for.

When I got home I unloaded the car and then I finally let myself cry. I was am so frustrated that things that used to be easy seem hard and things that I used to enjoy, just do not create the same excitement in me anymore. This lack of interest and control in my life is really hard for me to comprehend since I am so OCD about so many things. I know that I just need to let go and not be so controlling in my life.

I think that area is one place where the Lord is really working. He is showing me that I DO NOT and CANNOT have control over everything in my life. I need to leave it in His hands and allow him to give me the strength to get through or to not hold on so tightly.

So here I am crazy brain and all trying to "Let go and let God."