Just Another Day?

To most people May 23rd is just another day, this year it happens to be a Monday. For me May 23rd holds a lot of meaning.

Today marks my 100th post...It also marks my estimated due date with Emily Faith. I think it is interesting that my 100th post just happens to fall on my EDD of the child that started this all. If it had not been for the loss of Emily I never would have started this blog.

Blogging has been so helpful to me, it has opened a world to me that I never knew existed. I have met so many wonderful women in this journey. I have been blessed beyond words by the sharing and the caring of each women I have met. Those who have experienced a loss of an infant child understand the pain and the grief of those who have also lost an infant child.

I have been dreading this day for a long time. I have thought about how I would feel and what I would do. I had even initially planned to not do much in May, just so that I could be sad. But that is not what has happened. Life goes on, and I have been extremely busy. Not busy enough to forget or to not grieve, but busy enough to survive each day and take moments to be sad and miss Emily.

This morning when I woke up it was just like any other day.

The laundry still has to be done, and I still have to care for our 2 year old. So the day begins.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about a way to memorialize this day and the baby that we will never again hold in our arms. I have tossed around a lot of ideas. But in the end I decided that I wanted to release balloons.

Tonight, Ron, Maddie and I are going to each write a message on a pink balloon and release it. I have wanted to release balloons for awhile now, but I wanted it to be a day that would mean something. So this is the day.

A few weeks ago, my sister, who lives in CA, told me about what she has decided to do on this day. She along with several of her friends who have lost babies are going to do a balloon release in memory of Emily and all of the other babies that have died too soon.

I was so touched that she would consider doing something like this. I would have loved to have joined them, but the trip was just not possible at this time. So we will be there in spirit and we will have our own balloon release.

Since Emily was born and died I have seen so many wonderful things happen. I am been saddened by how much my family and friends have grieved as well, but I have seen such beauty and healing though the pain. I firmly believe that the 23 weeks, 2 days and 10 hours that Emily was alive were all that she needed to accomplish what the Lord had planned for her. And after she was done, He took her home to be with Him.

I am sad that I will never again hold our baby girl on earth, but I am excited for the day when we will be re-united and we will spend eternity together praising our wonderful Saviour.

The Tears Foundation

I recently was introduced to this wonderful organization. It is sad that this organization had to be formed, but I am glad that there is something like this for families who loss an infant. The Tears Foundation offers assistance with funeral and burial costs for families who loss an infant.

When we lost Emily, I had no idea anything like this existed. We did not find out about this organizaiton until after we had aleady made a decision about what we wanted to do with Emily's remains. I don't think knowing abou this foundation would have changed what we chose to do, but I am thankful that there is an organization that will assist families with a tasks that no parent should have to have.

 The Tears Foundation does a Rock & Walk each year to raise funds to help families. These walks take place in several places across the United States. This year I will be taking part in the Rock & Walk in Tacoma, WA.

My dear friend Jamie is going to walk with me. In fact it was her idea in the first place that we should walk. (Jamie and her husband spent the evening before Emily was born and the entire next day with us at the hospital. They arrived right after Emily was born and stayed until late that night. They left about two hours before Emily died. Having their support during such a difficult day was such a blessing.)

I am in the process of raising money for The Tears Foundation. The Rock & Walk is on June 11th. I am trying to raise $200 for the foundation. I would love to be able to meet my goal by the time I walk on June 11th. If you are interested in donating please use this link Western Washington Rock & Walk 2011, it will take you directly to the donation page that I have set up.

If you are just interested in finding out more about this organization please click on the link at the beginning of this post.

Five Minute Friday: When Seasons Change

I have not participated in Five Minute Friday for a few weeks. There are a few reasons for this. One, I have been keeping super busy, part of this is intentional and part of it is just life. Two, I have not really felt much like writing. I have plenty to say, but just not been feeling like sharing. And third, the last two topics I have just not connected with for some reason and decided not to try and think of anything to write, or even think about it at all.

But I am back and ready to go.

I am joining The Gypsy Mama this week for Five Minute Friday. Spend five minutes writing on the topic of the week, no editing, just write what comes to mind.

Go.

I love the changing seasons. For the majority of my life I lived in a location where there were really only two seasons...cool and hot. Now I live in a location that gets all four seasons and I am loving it.

This year spring seemed especially beautiful. I am not sure if it was the long cold winter we had or the fact that I needed to see new life so much this year.

When I think about the changing of seasons I think past the actually season, and think about the seasons of life. The season when you are single, the season when you are married without kids and now the season I am in, the season with a child.

This can seem like a long season at times. But what an amazing season it is. Right now I am deep in the season of a toddler and while I am finding it challenging to parent a toddler, I am finding it so rewarding at the same time.

I have also entered a new season, the season of grieving. I am sure that this season in my life will always be present now that I have entered it, but I am also sure that it will evolve and change just like the changing of the actual season. I am in the winter of my grief, but I know that there will come a day when new hope will come and I will begin to see the promise of a new life once again.

Stop

Well that was a bit over 5 minutes, but I needed to finish that last few sentences.

Less Than A Week

I have been keeping very busy, but at night, once the activities of the day come to an end I have time to think. Add to that the babies that have been born this week, and that are due in the next few weeks. I was pregnant at the same time with several friends. This is such a difficult time.

I am so happy for my friends, but it is an added reminder of next week, and the fact that we will not be welcoming a baby girl into our family, that she has already joined our family and then left us.

I recently saw this on a fellow BLM blog and through it was beautiful. I have been wanting to share it, and felt like tonight was the perfect time. I think that the word survivor has so many meanings in the poem. I have survived my daughter, but I am also surviving and going on; even when I don't feel that way.

My Mom is a Survivor 
Kaye Des'Ormeaux 
 
My mom is a survivor, Or so I have heard it said. 
 
But I can hear her crying When all others are in bed. 
 
I watch her lay awake at night And go to hold her hand. 
 
She doesn’t know I’m with her To help her understand. 
 
But like the sands upon the beach That never wash away... 
 
I watch over my surviving mom, Who thinks of me each day. 
 
She wears a smile for others... A smile of disguise. 
 
But through heaven’s open door I see tears flowing from her eyes 
 
My mom tries to cope with my death To keep my memory alive. 
 
But to anyone who knows her, knows it’s her way to survive. 
 
As I watch over my surviving mom Through heaven’s open door... 
 
I try to tell her Angels protect me forevermore. 
 
I know that doesn’t help her... Or ease the burden she bears. 
 
So if you get a chance, talk to her... And show her that you care. 
 
For no matter what she says... No matter what she feels. 
 
My surviving mom has a broken heart That time won’t ever heal. 

Lifting Others Up In Prayer

I believe in the power of prayer.

I know that some people sometimes wonder how I can still believe in the power of prayer after what I have gone through. But the truth is that God never promised to answer all our prayers the way WE want them answered. I think the hardest part is believing and trusting God, no matter what the outcome.

I have no answer for why prayers are not always answered with the yes, that we want. But despite my sadness at losing Emily, I have seen other prayers answered in the aftermath of her death. I still do not understand why Emily died, or what the greater purpose is, but I do know that God is good.

Several months ago I stumbled upon a blog, 2 kids, A mini van and a mortgage written by Kate. February 23rd of this year her 5 year old daughter Lucy was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of brain cancer, Medulloblastoma.

I firmly believe that every blog I have found in the last five months have been for some reason. Some have been a support to me, others have been a fun distraction, but this one, as well as a few others I believe I found, so that I could intercede in prayer for Lucy and her family.

Kate shares, most of the time, daily about how Lucy and the family can use prayer, the miraculous answers to pray, and just about their life, with a child living with cancer. There have been some amazing answers to pray and I would like to invite you to join me in praying for Kate, Lucy and their entire family.

You might also notice the button on the side bar on my blog. I feel so strongly about praying for this family that I have added the button that was made for Lucy to my blog page.

There are so many verses about prayer, but I  think 1 John 5:14-15 is a wonderful verse about prayer

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him

Happy List Saturday

It is the 10th week of Happy List Saturday with Natasha at My Angel Baby...Aiden William. I can't believe it has been 10 weeks. I have not participated every week, but I am so glad that there is a day that we can focus on things that make us happy, especially during a week that is not so great.

I don't have a long list the week, but I did want to make a list this week.

Pizza
On a night when I have no idea what to make for dinner, or really just don't want to make dinner...pizza is always there. Enough said.

Shark Tank
Have you ever watched this show? It is so much fun to watch. If you have never seen it, check it out.

My Husband
I have put him in my happy list before, but he makes me happy each day. He is so wonderful to let me take time for myself. Today, I got to go yard sale shopping for four hours while he watched our daughter.

Wet Wipes
Such a great invention. Can be used for ANYTHING...

Spring Rain
There is a smell to rain in the Spring that is just so refreshing and wonderful.

Dogwood Tree Blossoms
These are some of the most beautiful trees I have ever seen. I have decided that I would like to purchase one of these trees in memory of Emily. I don't know yet when I will be able to get one, but just seeing them around town makes me smile. (I will post a picture later, it is not uploading right now)

In Memory of James Robert Veteto (Grandpa Jim)

My grandfather passed away today. Shortly after I finished the last post I heard the news of his death.

I am numb at the moment. I cried when I first found out, but I had to carry on with my day and so I have not had much time to process. I was not particularly close to my Grandpa Jim (as well always called him), but I remember spending holidays and birthdays with him. My little sister Amy was even born on his birthday.

One thing I remember about him, is that he gave us stock for Christmas. When I was young he would give us $20 on our birthday and $50 at Christmas, and then one Christmas he started giving us stock. Imagine the perplexed look on the face of a 9 or 10 year old when you receive a piece of paper for Christmas that is not money. We did still get the $20 on our birthday. I was not thankful for the stock at the time, but now as I am older I really do appreciate it. With the stock I was able to purchase my first car and I still have some of the stock today. He was helping us prepare for our future

I also remember that he used to love to collect stamps. When I was about 13 he gave all of his stamps to me. Over the years I have spent sometime looking at the stamps. I am actually not even sure where they are right now, probably in the garage. I don't think I ever really appreciate those either. But I am so glad that I have those to remember him by.

I had not intended to make this an "in memory" but it just seems fitting.

I have so many wonderful memories of my Grandpa Jim:

Root beer floats in glasses so big there was no way a child could finish it.

Candy...he always had candy on the table, much to the chagrin of my parents.

Pigeons - on several different occasions he raised and raced pigeons. I never went to a race with him, but he would often talk about the birds and the races.

He always had our favorite soda in the refrigerator. He knew what we drank and he always had it there for when we came to visit

Apricots and lemons - both of these tress grew behind his house and when they were in season we would go home with bags of each.

I remember his gardens. During my teen years he occupied his time with gardening. I sure wish I had learned more from him. He had a lot of knowledge to share

While I do not remember it, we lived with my grandparents for I think about a year when I was Maddie's age right now (2 years old). My mom has always told me that he was gone a lot working, but we still lived there. The same house that he lived in until he died.

Rosa Maria burritos - There was this little "hole in the wall" place about a mile from his house. Every time, unless it was a Monday, we went to see him, we would stop at this place. Even to this day, every time we go back to California we make sure to stop and get a burrito.

In the years since I have been an adult, when I have gone to visit we would stop and pick up burritos and take them to his house. Those last few visit were special. They were never very long, but spending time with him was good. And having the opportunity to introduce him to his great-grand daughter was wonderful.

I am sad that Maddie will never know her great-grand father. But I am glad that even though she will not remember, she got to meet him and that we have a few pictures of them together.

I remember out last visit with him, just about a year ago. We almost did not take the time to stop because it was such a crazy trip, but in the end we did end up stopping for lunch and taking him out to get a Rosa Maria burrito. I have no idea what we talked about, but I do remember even then that his health was failing.

His death was not a surprise. I think we all knew that it was going to happen soon. But even when death is expected, it does not make it any easier.

I am sad tonight. I pray that he found Jesus in those final days of his life. I pray that he is in heaven and we will see him again one day. But the truth is I am not sure. Over the years I remember my parents talking to him about Jesus and God, but I also remember telling them that he was not interested in hearing anything. Maybe some of what they shared with him over the years got a hold of his heart.

I am going to end this post with a few pictures. I have very few pictures of Grandpa Jim, but the ones I do have are with him holding Maddie. I am so glad that I have these pictures. Maddie met her great-grandpa for the first time when she was 4 months old. The second and last time she saw her great-grandpa was when she was 17 months old. She really did not want to take the picture, but we did get it finally, even if it was with her binky in her mouth.

The last picture I have with Grandpa Jim

We love you...You will be missed.