9 Months

Our baby girl would have been 9 months old today, if she had lived. 9 months have passed, and in 3 short months will be one year. It is hard to believe that we have made it though 9 months. I know that in the beginning I never imagined that life would go on and that my grief has gotten easy to live with. It is like everyone told me in time it is easier. Time or the addition of another child to our family will not change the fact that we lost a child. I will always miss Emily. She is and will always be my 2nd child.

In the past 9 months I have seen grief sneak in at the oddest times. Times when I think I am doing great and do not expect to be bombarded with extreme sadness. The other night I was laying in bed and began to think about a dear friend, Sue, who died a few months after Emily. Her death was very unexpected. Sue had been to visit me at the hospital before Emily was born and that was the last time I got to see her. I spoke with her twice more before she died. I remember what an encouragement she was to me that afternoon in the hospital. The other night as I was thinking about her and missing her I got this image of her holding Emily in heaven. It was such a wonderful image and I am glad that she is in heaven with Emily.

I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with Emily and that I will forever be her mommy.

I love you baby girl.

When You Least Expect It...

It always seems that my emotions creep up when I least expect them. Today was the first day of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). Last year, the first day of MOPS fell on September 9th. I remember this day because it was right after MOPS that I got a positive pregnancy test (this was my pregnancy with Emily). So official I have been pregnant for basically a year, (minus the 4 months between pregnancies). But that is a long time to be pregnant and not have a baby in your arms. I am counting the days until I get to hold a baby in my arms again.

My emotions were already a bit high to start with and then our leader shared with us that one of the other moms, who is almost 33 weeks pregnant, was being airlifted to the same hospital I was airlifted to, due to pre-term labor. I just lost it, I had to leave the room because I was crying so hard. I got myself under control and went back into the room, where I started to cry all over again. I am so thankful for the women that came and gave me hugs and just let me cry. I was finally able to get myself under control, and had a wonderful morning of fellowship and fun. But A. is on my mind and in my prayers.

I know that A. is in one of the best hospitals in the state to care for her and her baby, if he is born early, but it still hits me hard. I am praying like crazy for her and her baby boy.

Just when I think I am doing really well, something comes out of nowhere and knocks me down again.

The "Right" Thing is not Always Right

I feel like I have had a writer's block the last month or so. It was not until last night that I finally figured out why I have not been able to write or really even visit this blog very often. This blog has always been a place for me to come and share my feelings about Emily, how I am feel about losing her, how I am grieving and our life after Emily. But recently I have not felt like sharing. I have even been dreading this upcoming week. I am so thankful to my husband for finally putting words to his, as well as my feelings about the next week. In case you are lost, the memorial service put on by the hospital where we delivered Emily is this coming Thursday, September 15.

I wish I could put into words how I have been feeling the last month. I am just not sure what the words are. I have been almost dreading going to the memorial service. Weeks ago I wrote about how I felt like this memorial would be a final goodbye to Emily. But the truth is I don't need a "finally goodbye." I know where my daughter is; She is in heaven with Jesus. She is in the best place possible for her. I would love to have her here on this earth with our family, but she is in such a better place. We made a decision about what to do with Emily's physical body in the hospital on January 27th. For our family it was the right choice.

Since finding out about the memorial I have felt like the "right" thing to do is go to the service, but I have not been anticipating it, I have been dreading it. For me it is not going to be a closure or a goodbye; that has already happened. Emily is in my heart and I don't need a place to go to remember her. I remember her every day. With all of that said we have decided not to attend the memorial. I can't even express the pressure and dread that has lifted since we made this decision. It is like I was forcing my self to go through a motion for someone else and do what everyone would expect me to do. But my grief is not about everyone else, it is about me. That is one thing I have learned in the months since Emily's death; everyone processes a loss and deals with grief differently and no one should be made to feel like what they are doing or not doing is right or wrong.

It has been 7 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since we lost our sweet little girl. So much has happened in the life of our family. We have gone from extreme sadness and grief to such joy and anticipation for the future. The Lord has truly blessed us in the months since Emily's death. Losing a child is something that I wish no parent every had to experience, but the loss has changed me as a person and while I wish these changes could have come about in a different way I am happy with who I am.

Sweet Emily,
Momma loves you so much. I am so thankful that you were in our life for even the short time that you were. I miss you so much, but at the same time I love thinking that you will never know the pains of life. You are in a perfect place, at the feet of Jesus. And one day we will get to see you again. I am excited for that day, but know you are in great hands until that day.

Love your mom

Memories

Insomnia is one symptom that I have had with all three pregnancies. Usually it starts a bit later into the pregnancy, but still there were many nights when I was pregnant with Maddi and Emily that I would spend on the couch catching up on a show or two and eating in the middle of the night. I had not really expected to have to deal with the insomnia so soon, but here it is. And so I will make the most of it.

As I lay in bed trying to fall back asleep my mind began to drift back to the day that Emily was born and all the happened in those 10 hours of her life. Sometimes I am amazed at the details that still sneak into my thoughts, things that I had not thought about since that day. One of those details that I had forgot all about came back as I lay in bed this morning. I just felt like to needed to write it down, for fear of forgetting it again. That is one thing I love about this blog; it is a way to document those little memories and then I don't have to drive myself crazy remembering every detail. They are here to help me remember.

That little detail I was talking about was breast milk. Shortly after I was moved to my post-partum room, after Emily was born, a lactation consultant came down to talk to me. Even with the odds so low that Emily would survive everyone at the hospital treated us like she was going to survive and make sure that we were prepared to care for her. This included getting me to start pumping and producing milk for when Emily would need my breast milk. I pumped twice before Emily died that night.

In those first few days the body does not produce much milk. Initially colostrum is produced. They call it liquid gold, and the name really fits since it kind of looks like gold, AND it takes a lot of work to get just a little bit that it is really valued. Since the amount is so small I was given tiny syringes to collect those few drops of colostrum. I remember feeling so proud of those few milliliters that I was about to take down to the nursery when we went to visit Emily. That night, after Emily died those two syringes were left in the refrigerator. I wonder what happened to that little bit of liquid gold? I imagine that it was thrown away when everything was cleaned up, making that space ready for the next baby that would need the care of the NICU. Thinking about that makes me sad. I worked so hard to get those few drops and they were never used.

Then I began to think about that room. The room I was taken to after Emily was born. The room that was on another floor away from all things maternity and post-partum. I am so thankful for the foresight of the hospital staff to place me away from new mothers and crying babies. I was placed in room with two bed. I remember the first thing I asked the nurse was, "will I have to share this room?" She told me no and that they just did not have any rooms with single beds. The two beds ended up being a blessing, as my husband was able to stay in the room with me that night and was able to stretch out. Neither one of us got much sleep that night, but at least there was an option for him.

When we walked back into that room after Emily died that night there was one thing that effect my husband and one thing that effect me. For my husband it was seeing Emily Faith written on the white board in the room. I immediately erased it. Not to erase her from our lives, but because the pain was so intense that it hurt to look at her name in the moment. For me it was the breast pump and all the supplies. The nurse came in a few minutes after we got back and I asked her to please get everything out of the room. She was wonderful and got everything moved out while I was in the bathroom.

The next morning, really early, my doctor came into check on me. No one had told him that Emily had died and so it was put on me to tell him. That is one thing that I wish had been handled differently. He should have known, I should not have had to tell my doctor that my baby died. I also wish he had come to see my later, before I was discharged. I had so many questions, but when you are woken up from sleep often the brain is not working fully in that moment.

I do remember asking him what had caused Emily to be born so early and he gave me a simple answer, but I wish I could have asked more questions. Questions that I now know to ask, but had no idea that I needed to ask at the time. Maybe it is better that some of those questions went unanswered, but now with this new pregnancy and the thoughts that go through my head about it happening again, I wish we had more answers. But the truth remains that there are just not very many answers for why it happened.

I think the last question I asked my doctor was, "when can I leave?" I really did not want to stay in that hospital for any longer than I had to. I wanted to be home. To be surrounded by things that were familiar and to be able to care for our living child again. It has been almost two weeks since I had been able to actively care for Maddie and I wanted to be with her again. My doctor told me that he saw no reason why I could not leave that day if I wanted to. It seemed to take forever to get all the final paper work finished. We had to meet with a social worker about what we wanted to have done with Emily's body, and the nurse had a bunch of paper work and instructions for me. On the wall of my room there was a sign that said discharge was at 11am, so I figured I would not get to leave before that, and I was right. Just after 11am I was finally done with everything and allowed to leave the hospital. They even let me walk, no wheelchair, which I am grateful for. As we left the room, floor and finally the hospital I felt like crying, but held it together. I held it together until after lunch. After lunch we stopped at Toys 'R Us to get Maddie a special toy. She had been asking for a ball popper for several weeks. (We don't have a Toys 'R Us near us, so while we were in Seattle we decided to stop.) I was still holding it together, after all I wanted to be as normal as possible for Maddie since it had been a rough few weeks for her too.

As we were leaving the store I knew I needed to go to the bathroom so I walked back into the store alone to use the bathroom. The bathroom that was at the back of the store passed all the baby stuff. That was it, I lost it. I remember walking through Toys 'R Us with tears streaming down my face. I am sure people thought I was crazy, but I just could not stop the tears any more. I slept and cried most of the way home.

This next memory is a bit out of order, but it came to me after all the others, so I am keeping them in the order that I thought about them this morning. I remember being moved to Labor and Delivery on the day that Emily was born. As I think about it now I was probably in shock. No one plans to deliver their child at 23 weeks. I remember shaking and feeling cold; a warm blanket was placed on me to try and warm me up. When a women is in labor her senses are heightened. For me that is so true, especially my sense of smell. All though labor I kept smelling something, something like bad body odor, and in my crazy brain I was sure it was the blanket since I only started smelling it after the blanket was placed on me. I remember wanting to tell nurse to get me another blanket, one that did not smell, but I was so focused on the contractions that it just never came out. The smell drove me crazy. Well it turns out that it was not the blanket at all. Emily was born on Wednesday and my last shower had been Sunday, and I don't think in all those days I ever had deodorant, so that awful smell I had to endure all though labor was me.

I remember wanting a shower so bad. I think I asked every nurse who cared for me when I could take a shower. The desire to be with Emily in the NICU was stronger than the want for a shower, so the shower waited. I did not finally get to take a shower until the next morning just before I was discharged from the hospital. While it felt good to finally be clean, it was a painful reminder that I had just lost my baby. I stood in the shower and held my belly and cried.

While sometimes it hurts to remember, I am so glad for memories and that they are still coming back to me. I don't ever want to forget Emily.

Did I?

I have been reading on many blogs lately about how as time goes by you feel further away from the child that you lost. I had not really understood that thought until this morning.

I am not even sure what triggered the thought, I was sleeping and the next minute I was thinking about Emily and how long it has been, in 5 days it will have been 5 months since we said goodbye. It always seems like the days leading up to an important day are the hardest, for me, so far, the actually day has been easy compared to the days before.

This morning I was thinking about the last time I held Emily. She was disconnected from all the wires and tubes that were keeping her alive and placed on my chest. It is strange the things I remember, when I remember them. I remember that they placed her really high on my chest. I remember this because when I tried to kiss her while she was on my chest I could not bend my neck enough to actually be able to kiss her. While I was holding Emily she took two more small shallow breaths. I do not know the exact second when she passed from this life into the arms of Jesus. I just held her for a long time. I know that the time we spent with her was not really that long in the grand sceam of things, but it sure felt like a second and a lifetime at the same time.

As I thought about Emily on my chest this morning and trying to kiss her, I began to wonder if I every did actually kiss her before I let her go. I was in such shock that day. Most of what happened in the days leading up to Emily's birth and death are a blur. I probably did kiss her, but memories like those are slipping away the further I get from her.

I have been holding it together really well the last few weeks. I think about Emily daily, but I have not had a really sad day in awhile.

It is like many people have said, the grief gets better, you never forget, but it gets a bit easier to go about life as time goes on.

Since Emily died, life has moved on, sometimes even though I wish it had stopped. There have been many family gatherings since January 26th: Birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day and even my Birthday. It has been difficult for me to attend many of these events just because being around family reminds me that we will never be able to share these holidays with Emily in our arms. I have managed to do some kind of celebrating during most of those dates, but not with the whole family. However, Sunday I was finally able to attend a family celebration with most of my family that lives in town. I went and celebrated Father's Day. This is a huge stepping stone for me.

Do you ever wish you could get off this rollercoaster that is life and grief and just sit still for a little bit on ground that does not move? That is how I feel right now, like there is never a time to catch my breath before another loop or turn.

Back From The Land Of...

I have had several comments that I have not been posting very regularly. In fact I even missed Wordless Wednesday this week.

I have a good reason, I promise...

I have been potty training Maddie. I HAD A PLAN, but as I have learned, with a child (especially a toddler) nothing ever goes as planned. My plan was to start potty training next week, after all the craziness of the beginning of June slowed down and we would be home a bit more. Well, Maddie decided last week, while my best friend was here, that she wanted to start going pee pee on the big girl potty. I knew that if I discouraged it things might not go well in a few weeks, so we started potty training last Thursday. We are not training how I had planned, but she is getting the concept. She has about four wet underwear a day, but as soon as she goes she comes and tells me, and she is asking to go several times a day.

I am exhausted, keeping up with her and the potty training and trying to keep up with household stuff is wearing me out.

Some days I don't have much time to be sad or thing about Emily. There are quiet moments when I will stop and think about our little girl and that we should be holding her in our arms now. I think one place I think about her most often is while driving in the car. I often find my mind wandering, thinking about the pregnancy and her birth and the few hours we had with her.

This weekend I will be walking in The Rock and Walk in Tacoma for The Tears Foundation. You can read my post here about The Tears Foundation and what the do for families who have recently lost a child. I am proud to be able to support this foundation.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of activities and new information, I am just reeling. I am hoping things slow down a bit in the next few weeks and we get some answers to some things that could make a big difference in our future.

I hope that I will be able to share some exciting news about our family's future in the next few weeks.

Less Than A Week

I have been keeping very busy, but at night, once the activities of the day come to an end I have time to think. Add to that the babies that have been born this week, and that are due in the next few weeks. I was pregnant at the same time with several friends. This is such a difficult time.

I am so happy for my friends, but it is an added reminder of next week, and the fact that we will not be welcoming a baby girl into our family, that she has already joined our family and then left us.

I recently saw this on a fellow BLM blog and through it was beautiful. I have been wanting to share it, and felt like tonight was the perfect time. I think that the word survivor has so many meanings in the poem. I have survived my daughter, but I am also surviving and going on; even when I don't feel that way.

My Mom is a Survivor 
Kaye Des'Ormeaux 
 
My mom is a survivor, Or so I have heard it said. 
 
But I can hear her crying When all others are in bed. 
 
I watch her lay awake at night And go to hold her hand. 
 
She doesn’t know I’m with her To help her understand. 
 
But like the sands upon the beach That never wash away... 
 
I watch over my surviving mom, Who thinks of me each day. 
 
She wears a smile for others... A smile of disguise. 
 
But through heaven’s open door I see tears flowing from her eyes 
 
My mom tries to cope with my death To keep my memory alive. 
 
But to anyone who knows her, knows it’s her way to survive. 
 
As I watch over my surviving mom Through heaven’s open door... 
 
I try to tell her Angels protect me forevermore. 
 
I know that doesn’t help her... Or ease the burden she bears. 
 
So if you get a chance, talk to her... And show her that you care. 
 
For no matter what she says... No matter what she feels. 
 
My surviving mom has a broken heart That time won’t ever heal. 

Random-ness

I am not even sure where to start this post. I really have not felt much like writing lately. I want to write, but every time I try to write I get distracted or just cannot find the words.

I have been so busy the last week or so that I have not had time to really be sad. I get up in the morning and take care of Maddie, I clean what needs to be cleaned, and then I have several paid sewing jobs that I am currently working on. All of this keeps me busy and I am worn out by the end of the evening. I sit and watch TV for a bit and usually fall asleep on the couch and then I head up to bed. All of this leaves me very little time to stop and focus on my grief lately.

It actually occurred to me the other day that I seem to be "back to normal." I know I am not really back to normal, just going about my day the way I used to. Like nothing ever happened. In some ways I hate feeling this way. I sometimes wish time would stop. I don't know what I would do if it did stop...

As May 23rd (my EDD with Emily) gets closer I have begun to wonder how I will feel on that day, if I should have anything planned, and if I do plan something, what should it be. I am open to suggestions on how to approach this day.

I am sitting right now watching Toy Story 2 with my daughter for the thousandth time this month., besides the fact that I am soooooo over Toy Story she makes me smile. It is her favorite movie right now. It is so cute to watch her. Even though my life feels like it is falling apart at time I am so glad that she is in my life and just watching her brightens my day.

Sorry about the randomness of this post. I have so much that I would like to share, but I am still trying to find the words to write those things down. I will try to share in the next week or so.

Ramblings About My Week

This morning at MOPS I met my friend's baby girl for the first time. We were pregnant together and she was due exactly two months before me. He baby is beautiful and so precious. I cried, but she was wonderful about the whole thing. I did not hold the baby, but at least I have gotten past the first meeting. Now hopefully we can get back to play dates for Maddie and her daughter (though sometimes I wonder why, since two year old girls seem to fight over every single toy.)

My husband also left tonight for almost a week. A good friend of his, father died last last week and my husband is going to go to the funeral. But we figured since he was going to make the flight that he should also see his dad and a few other friends before he came home. Then the funeral date got change and so we had to make some changes in his travels. Basically it means that he will be gone two days longer than we had originally planned.

I am wondering how I am going to handle being alone for almost a week. I am sure I will make it, but tonight I am sad and already missing him and he only just left.

Tomorrow I am taking Maddie in to see the Optometrist. We have noticed about two months ago that her eyes are not always looking in the same direction at the same time, so we decided to have it checked out. But it took nearly a month to get her seen by her pediatrician and then almost a month to get an appointment with the Optometrist. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow. I know how Maddie is with new people, and especially new people who want to examine her in any way. So tomorrow should be an adventure.

I am crying less lately, but crying at odd times. I am getting closer to my EDD with Emily and that has been making me think a lot too...

I just looked at the date and realized that it was three months ago today that Emily was born and died. I am actually sad that I did not think about it sooner. But I guess my mom did. She remembered. She gave me tulips today and said these are for Emily. It makes sense now. How could I do that? Forget the three month mark? I think about her everyday. But sometimes the days get so busy with "normal" things that I don't stop and think about Emily until the evening. She is always in my mind, but to actually stop and think sometimes takes all day.

It was at this point in my pregnancy with Maddie that my water broke. Such strange thoughts going through my head now. This is the point in my pregnancy where I had planned to be done getting ready for our 2nd child. My plan had been from the beginning to be ready by 35 weeks, so that in case the baby came early we would be ready.

This is sure not the direction I had intended when I started writing tonight. I was just going to write a quick update and look where I went.

Those are my ramblings for tonight. Sorry for all the directions I took. I guess some days are just like that.

Blessings

There have been so many songs that have touched me in the last several months. I truly believe that the Lord uses music to speak to us sometimes. It is one way that He uses to get our attention and to minister to us when we need it the most. On one of the hardest days last week I was reading Kelly's Korner, and she had done a post about blessings. At the end of her post was this song, "Blessings" by Laura Story. It is a very powerful song and it was just what I needed in that moment. The chorus is what really got me, but the whole song is beautiful.

Chorus

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

One of THOSE Days

It is one of those days, the kind of day where I just want to crawl in to the corner of the couch or onto my bed and cry.

The day started out so well too. I had a few plans for the day, that turned into a few more; and the sun is shining.

Then I went to MOPS. I really should know by now that going to MOPS always triggers something. Lots of pregnant moms and moms with new babies. Older babies I am fine with, it is the newborns that I have a hard time with.

And the speaker today, Pastor Joshua, the senior pastor of the church, spoke about not always having clarity and having faith that God will give you what you need when the clarity is not there.

I am just drained already today and it is only early afternoon. Wonder how I am going to make it through the rest of the day.

I have nothing very profound to say, just that this is where I am today.

Sad

Just when I think that my emotions are nicely in check and I am doing really well, I am hit by a ton of bricks. And it always seems to hit when I am doing something mundane like shopping or driving.

Today, as I was driving around town, I happened to drive by a friend's house, a friend who just had a baby. We were pregnant together. We each already have a girl, three months apart and were both expecting girls that would have been two months apart.

I really want to go visit her and meet her baby girl, but just the thought of actually seeing a newborn baby is a bit hard for me right now. The few times I have seen a newborn baby in the past two months I have had a huge breakdown within the next 24 hours.

It occurred to me recently that I have not held a baby since I held Emily for the last time. This has not been a conscious decision, just the way it has been. Now that I have thought about it, I am not sure I want to hold a baby anytime soon. Then I wonder if maybe it would be healing for me to hold another baby, but in truth I don't want to.

So here I am tonight, feeling sad and really wishing I was still pregnant with a baby that is due in less and two months.

Emotional Triggers

I have kind of had writers block the last several days. I just don't really have anything to say. My grief seems to kind of be at a stand still right now. I am not even sure how to explain it, it seems strange to me to feel this way. It is kind of like I am numb to the pain of my grief. In a lot of ways I have moved on with my life. It seems strange to me that after only 2 months I could be getting back to normal life.

Like I mentioned in a previous post I have started sewing again and I am really enjoying it. Only two months and I am enjoying life and things I once did again.

I have not cried much in that last few weeks either, not like I did in the first month. There was one night several weeks ago, where I cried most of the night and since then I have had a lot of peace and seem to be functioning really well.

*Spoiler alert: If you watch Grey's Anatomy and have not seen last weeks episode yet, you should probably stop reading here until you watch it.*

There have been two occurrence in the last two weeks though that have been triggers.
The first was on Thursday night. My husband and I were watching Grey's Anatomy. (We probably should have stopped watching Grey's weeks ago. We both knew that there could possibly be triggers for us in future episodes because one of the main characters was pregnant and another one is try to get pregnant. But we kept watching it, because we have been watching it for years, so why stop now.) The main character who is pregnant got in a car accident and they ended up having to deliver her baby (she was 23 weeks along, just like I was when Emily was delivered). I just started to cry, my body was shaking. We almost turned it off at the point, but I wanted to find out what happened. The baby was still alive at the end of the episode, but it was very hard to watch.

The second trigger was today. I have been reading the book Heaven is for Real, which by the way I highly recommend. If you know nothing about this book I will give you just a taste of what it is about.
The book is written by Colton's father, but it is about the family's experience as they find out that during an emergency appendectomy Colton, age 3 went to heaven and what he witnessed. It is an amazing book. I was a bit sceptical at first (I believe Heave is real, but I kind of doubted that someone can go to heaven and then come back and tell people about it). After reading the book I feel much different.
It is a super easy read and so worth taking the time to read.
Any way the trigger was in one of the chapters about Colton's other sister, the one in heaven. His mother had a miscarriage before he was born, but they had never told him about the other baby (his parents did not even know the sex of the baby), but while in Heaven Colton meet his sister and later told his parents about her.

So I am not really sure where I am tonight, but I am here sharing and trying to process.

7 Weeks

It has been 7 weeks since we said goodbye to our precious Emily. That means in one week it will have been two months. Sometime I think about her and think, "it feels like it just happened yesterday," but most of the time it feels like it all happened so long ago. It cannot explain it, but I just often have this feeling like years have passed, like I have been in a bad dream for a really long time.

I try to make sense of my emotions. I am asked if I am okay, and I usually answer in the positive. I think sometimes this is because it is the only answer I have since I am not even sure how to answer. Most days I am okay. Today I was fine, but I was also really moody. It was just an off day for me. Not even sure why.

Well Happy St. Patrick's Day anyway. I did not wear green today, and some how escaped getting pinched. I also did not eat cabbage, drink beer, eat anything green (other than salad), or eat anything Irish. I am okay with this and I hope that everyone is also. I think maybe when Maddie is older we will do green milk, and maybe even green eggs and ham for a meal, but not this year. It was just another day to me this year.

I hope it was wonderful for you, however you celebrated or did not celebrate today. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a much more inspired post. Night!

I AM ANGRY

I am angry.

Angry at God for not answering our prayer to heal me and keep me pregnant, and then to heal Emily and let her live.

Angry that life keeps going on for everyone else, and I am still trying to just function every day

Angry that I got my period yesterday

Angry that I am no longer pregnant

Angry that my family has to go through so much pain.

Angry

JUST ANGRY

I wondered if I would ever get here in my grief process, I kept wondering that I was handling Emily's death too well. Well guess what, I am not handling it today. I am a huge mess.

There have been so many triggers to get me to where I am tonight. Many of the triggers actually blessed me and did not lead to the anger, but I think things have been building for a day or two.

First, I received an e-mail from my sister. It was a beautiful letter and I was so blessed by what she wrote and she helped me to see how much Emily's life and death has affect the rest of my family.

Second, the leadership team at MOPS blessed me with a gift this morning. They had a star named for Emily. This was something that Ron and I had talked about doing in honor of Emily, so this created a lot of emotion in me.

Then I went to MOPS this morning, there are two women that announced they are pregnant (when they shared I prayed that they would have uneventful, boring pregnancies), then there are new babies, and several women who are about ready to have a baby.

Then there the multiple women whom I have come in contact with over the last few weeks who are all due in MAY, really, it seems like every pregnant woman that I have met lately is due in MAY. I just do not get it.

Then there was the lady who is due in May and her 1 year old daughter's name is Emily. It just makes me crazy sometime.

It felt good to write down what I was feeling. After I wrote the above I went spent the rest of the night with my husband and daughter. It was good to be reminded of the good things I have in my life. I am thankful that even in my anger I can be comforted.

Frozen

Before I got pregnant with Emily I used to coupon. I was not a crazy coupon lady (though, there really is one...The Crazy Coupon Lady. You can check her out here.) but I did get some great deals. I would spend several hours a week cutting coupons and looking for deals.

During my pregnancy I was super tired, more so than when I was pregnant with Maddie. Plus we moved a month after we found out we were pregnant. So a lot was going on in the Fall of last year and my couponing suffered. Sure I still used coupons from time to time, but not to the extent that I used to. Then when I went into the hospital using coupons got put on hold completely. Once I got home I just did not care and so the coupons stayed unused.

This week, almost 6 weeks later, I decided that I was going to start using coupons again. I purchased several newspapers, I spent part of Sunday cutting coupons and organizing them (there were a lot of expired coupons in my binder). Then on Sunday (yesterday) afternoon I went to the store. My husband was home so he watched Maddie so I could go to the store by myself. I am so glad that Maddie was not with me at the store.

Shortly after I got to the store I found myself in the frozen food section. I was trying to figure out a deal and make sure I had all the right coupons, and that it was really a good deal, when my brain just sort of stopped. I was in the frozen food section for awhile. I am not really sure how long, but it was like my brain would not function.

I have read that after the loss of a child things that you once enjoyed sometimes do not bring the same joy or excitement. This was the first time that I was actively aware of not enjoying something and not being able to function. It felt so strange. I just stood in the same place in the frozen food section and tried to think what I need to do next.

I did eventually get going again and finished the shopping AND I saved 47% at check out. I felt good about that. After this experience I realize that I cannot rely on my brain like I used to. I used to be able to go to the store without a list and come home with everything I had gone to the store for.

When I got home I unloaded the car and then I finally let myself cry. I was am so frustrated that things that used to be easy seem hard and things that I used to enjoy, just do not create the same excitement in me anymore. This lack of interest and control in my life is really hard for me to comprehend since I am so OCD about so many things. I know that I just need to let go and not be so controlling in my life.

I think that area is one place where the Lord is really working. He is showing me that I DO NOT and CANNOT have control over everything in my life. I need to leave it in His hands and allow him to give me the strength to get through or to not hold on so tightly.

So here I am crazy brain and all trying to "Let go and let God."

Feeling So Alone

Have you ever been in a group of people, yet felt completely alone? I think that grief can be very much like that. Over the last few weeks I have discovered that so many women have suffered through the loss of a child and I can identify with so many of them. Yet even though I identify with them there is a sense of still being alone. I think this is because even though we have all gone through something similar, each of our actual experiences and our journey through grief is different.

In the days following Emily's death so many people wrote saying that they were thinking and praying for us. We received many cards in the mail and so many e-mails and even messages on Facebook. These meant so much to me. I cried every time I read what someone had written to us, but it was so comforting to know how many people cared about us.

I know that people are still praying for our family and that they really do care, but few people actually tell me this on a regular basis and even less send an encouraging word my way. I do not mean to offend anyone and this is not directed at anyone specific, this is just an observation I have had. I think that people often do not know what to say to me and so they say nothing at all.

I understand those people who do not say anything. I used to be one of those people. If someone I knew had suffered a miscarriage or the loss of a sibling or parent I had a hard time talking to them. I really just did not know what to say, and I did not want to say the wrong thing. So I get it, I understand, but I would actually rather you risk saying the wrong thing than have you avoid me.

I recently found an article that I think is very helpful in addressing what to do and what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a child. I would like to share it with you. I have done some editing to it, to fit what I am feeling and thinking.

These suggestions and strategies are intended to help you understand what may be helpful to a grieving person.

• Please do not ignore or avoid me. I am grieving a terrible loss and do not want to grieve your absence as well.
• If you do not know what to say or do, tell me. "I do not know what to say or do." I don't either, but your presence and patience are comforting.
• If I start to cry, do not feel like it is your fault for talking to me. I cry a lot and you did not cause my tears. Stay with me while I cry. If we are in public and I can't get hold of my tears, take me someplace quiet where we can sit down and then sit with me.
• If you get uncomfortable, please do not leave. Grief is just uncomfortable.
• If I ask you to help me in some way, please do it if you can. If you can't, please look for someone else who can. It is terribly difficult to ask for help, and if I actually do make a request, I really need it.
• If I do not ask for help, ask me, "Can I help you with anything?" If I say no, ask again. If I say no again, don't believe me. Find a close friend who knows me well and inquire about ways to help: practical stuff, emotional support, or fun distractions like a trip to the coffee shop may be in order.
• Just show up for a visit. I often need a distraction from my grief and would welcome your company.
• If you only have 30 free minutes, I don't mind. I will appreciate whatever company you can offer me.
• Let me talk about Emily and listen as I tell you stories.
• Please do not say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it is. Tell me you are sorry for the death of Emily.
• If I get mad at you or say something hurtful, please forgive me. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone, especially someone who is willing to be with me. I am just hurting so much and it comes out in inappropriate ways sometimes.
• Please accept that I will feel angry, sad, numb, crazy, and many other things. This will make you uncomfortable, but please don't avoid me. I am more uncomfortable than you can imagine right now.
• Please remember significant dates associated with my loss.
• The anniversary of our loss.
• The birthday of Emily
• My due date and remember it. . .for years to come.
• My birthday, holidays, especially Mother's Day and Father's Day.
• Do not avoid speaking of Emily. I really want to talk about her.
• Do not fear you will remind me of my loss, for it is always with me.
• If I do not feel up to discussing Emily or grief, accept my feelings and move on to another topic.
• If you wish to do something beyond offering me your friendship and ear, make a donation to a specific cause. If you are interested in this please ask me. There are several organizations that I feel very strongly about.
• Release a balloon in memory of Emily, and write me a note that you did this.
• Be patient with me. I will not be better all at once. I will seem better, then I will seem worse. I will seem at peace, then I will be suddenly angry. In fact, I may never be the same again. Please don't expect me to be. And please, please do not suggest that I should.
• But most of all, pray for and with me. More than any other gesture, I find comfort in your prayers and presence.

I am thankful for everyone in my life and my hope is that you find this post helpful. I also hope that this post helps you in the future if someone else in your life suffers a loss.

If you would like to do any more reading on how to help a friend or loved one who has suffered a loss of a child you can check out this site (Cora's Story). There is some great information here written by a mother who lost her daughter less than a month after she was born.

Our First Sunday Back

We went back to church today. It is the first time we have been to church since Emily died. The last time I was at church on a Sunday I was still pregnant. The morning, before we left for church, was very difficult. I kept thinking it would be easier to stay home and maybe all the issues we were having would just go away. But I also knew that one reason for all the issues this morning was that we needed to be at church and evil one was doing what he could to distract us from what we really need to do.

We made it to church. Just guess what the service was on today? DEATH!

Yes, you read right, it was on death. Ron and I both looked at each other and considered leaving right then. I mean, our first Sunday back to church and they have to cover the one thing that has been keeping up from church up to this point. We decided to stay. One thing that kept going through my mind was, this is no accident that we are at church on this Sunday, of all Sundays. We were meant to be at this church service on February 27th.

The title of the sermon was "Jesus is Bigger than Death." The passage was Mark 5:21-43.

One thing that really struck me during the sermon was that even though Jesus brought people back from the dead, they did still die again later in life. Our life on earth is fleeting, we have the hope that our life in Heaven is Eternal.

"Death will come but we needn't be afraid of it because Jesus is bigger. There's a day coming when: "Death itself will be swallowed up in victory!" 1 Corinthians 15:54" - Pastor Joshua

At the end of the service we were encouraged to connect the sermon to our life:

• Do we really believe that Jesus is bigger than death?
• Reflect on the lives of one or two loved ones who have died in the Lord
• Proclaim the truth that Jesus is bigger than the death of a loved one.

I cried through most of the service, but I also left with a hope in my heart. I do not miss Emily any less and I am not any less sad. But I have the promise of the Lord that she will rise again, and I will see her again one day. This is the hope that we have. We do not understand why she was taken from us so soon, but He will be our comfort in our time of grief.

Crazy Brain

I am not superstitious and have never put much thought into dates and numbers. However, the other night I was feeling particularly sad and missing Emily and let my thoughts go wild and started to think about dates and numbers. These are some crazy correlations, but this just goes to show you how crazy a grieving woman's brain can be.

• Ron and I were married on the 23rd of February
• Emily was due on the 23rd of May
• I was only pregnant 23 weeks
• Emily was due three months from the 23rd
• Ron and I are celebrating our 3rd anniversary on the 23rd

I know that these are crazy correlations, and there are correlations in anything if we look hard enough. These are just the crazy musings of a grieving, hormonal woman. I don't actually put any validity behind these crazy correlations. This is just one of those posts that really does not make any sense, but just gives you a look into my crazy brain.

What Was and What Is

Today as I put my oldest daughter down for her nap, I had an overwhelming desire to look at Emily's things. I do not have very many things that belonged to Emily, she was only in this world for 10 hours after all. When we left the hospital the NICU nurses gave us a box that holds Emily's things. Inside are several pictures that they had printed for us, the thermometer that was used to take Emily's temperature, her blood pressure cuff, the two hats that she wore, a little gown that she would have worn if she had been alive longer, a small blanket, a little tiny diaper (just like the one that she wore while she was alive), and a piece of paper with her hand and feet prints. I also have the pink blanket that she was wrapped in. These are the only things that are Emily's.

We had bought some clothes the week after we found out we were having a girl, but in my mind they are not really Emily's. Emily never came home, we had not yet set up "her" room. Yes, there are things in the room that we had decided would be the baby's, but since we never brought Emily home, and we had never gotten "things ready" I do not think of it as Emily's room. It is just the place where we are storing all of Maddie's old baby things. The clothes that we bought for the new baby have not been washed and still have the tags on them. I had thought about taking them back to the store, but have decided instead to just fold them and put them away with the other clothes in that size.

As I read back over what I just wrote, it sounds a little sad and depressing, but I think this is how I cope. One of my first thoughts on our way home from the hospital was about the baby's room, I wanted to make sure that door was closed, so that I would not have to look inside and see the baby stuff that was in there. I am so thankful that my mom had closed the door before we got home.

The door stayed closed for about a week and then I decided I wanted to go inside and look. It was not as hard as I though it would be. Like I said before most of the stuff was Maddie's so it all has a positive thought behind it. Yes, we had planned to use it for the new baby too, but it was never used. Even looking at the clothes we had bought for the new baby was not as difficult as I had though it would be. One reason I think this was the case is that none of the clothes were for a newborn. I had purchased clothes for when she got older.

The door to the room now stays open. Basically the room is still the way it was when we left for the hospital that Saturday morning. I imagine that the room will stay the way it is for many months to come. There is really no need to do anything with the stuff that is in there right now.