A Long Time Has Passed

It has been 4 years, 7 months, 3 weeks and 1 day since we lost Emily. I think of her often. We even sing a song to our girls at night that includes saying Emily loves you. I am not sad as often as I was in the beginning. Yes, I still miss her very much, but it is different. It is easier to talk about her and share with people about our loss.
Why am I writing tonight? What is different about tonight than other nights? I don't know. For some reason I was thinking about Emily as I sung to our middle child (the daughter born just one year after we lost Emily). I thought often goes through my head that if Emily had survived S would not be here. I know God's plan is perfect, but sometimes it is confusing.
Then my thoughts turned to, maybe He did not think we could handle a child with disabilities... I don't want to think that way... We were blessed with her in our lives for a short time and she taught us a lot in that short time and continues to impact conversations that I have with people from time to time.
Once I got past the previous thought I began to think about what it felt like to hold her. I only held her for a short time right before she died, I don't remember what she felt like. The whole evening in the NICU is scattered pieces, that come to my mind once in a while. She only weighted 13 ounces, less than a pound. I can't imagine it was very hard to hold her, yet I can't remember and that makes me sad.

When we first lost Emily I spent hours reading blogs written by women who had lost a child. I often wondered why the posted just stopped. Sometimes it has been only a year, other times it was about two years, but so many of those blogs just stopped and there were no more posts. I wondered what happened to cause the mom to stop writing. I still think about why often. I wonder if someone has found my blog and read it from the beginning and then got to my last post and wondered why I have not posted in almost 3 years (until today that is). I think the reason is very simple, Life Happens. Many have gone on to have another child or children (like myself...we have had two daughters since our loss). As the loss gets further away, the pain is not as intense and we don't need to release as much as we once did. What ever the reason for each person, for all I am sure there was a reason.

I have not felt the need to blog in a long time. I probably won't feel the need to blog very often in the future, but I am so glad that this little place is here for me if I ever need it. This space will be here for anyone who wants to read it. I pray that it is a blessing and maybe even some encouragement that life does get easier and the pain does lessen over time, but it never goes away completely.

Our Emily Faith (Molly) Bear

**NOTE: I wrote this post back in April, but for some reason never published it. So here it is...Long overdue**

April 18th started like most other days: Getting the girls dressed and ready for the day. But this Wednesday did not go exactly as planned. I ended up having a friend over for the morning because she needed some encouragement and the two of us had not talked in at least a few weeks so we needed to catch up any way. It was a really good time of fellowship (and eating strawberries and chocolate), while two of our kids played together.

I spend the rest of the morning getting lunch on the table and getting the girls down for naps. This also happened to be the second afternoon I had gotten both girls down to nap at about the same time. I had just sat down on the couch when I saw the mail lady coming toward our front door. I tried to jump up and make it to the door before she rung the door bell (really did not want the girls to get woken up, I needed a few minutes of R&R). I did not make it in time, but the girls did not wake up.

When I opened the door sitting there was a box. I was not expecting a package that day and it was pretty heavy, but I was still not sure what it was. I brought it inside and opened it. What was inside took my breath away and made me start to cry all at the same time. 

Inside the box was our very special, personalized Emily Faith Bear, created by Molly Bears.

I was not prepared for the emotion that I would feel when I saw this bear for the first time. She was perfect.

Molly Bears is an organization that makes teddy bears for families that have lost a baby. They make the bear to be the weight of the child that has died. And each bear is made specifically for the family. There is no one size fits all bear. The people who make these bears really care about each and every family who has lost a child(ren). When someone requests a bear they can also request things be added to the bear to make it extra special. 

When we left the hospital after Emily died, the NICU staff gave us a bear to give to Maddie. The bear was white and had a red bow. I felt like our Emily Faith bear should be similar, so I asked Molly Bears if they could make our bear white and give her a red bow and make sure there was a lady bug some where on her. I think they did a wonderful job. 

Here is the beat from the hospital and the bear from Molly Bears

Keep in mind that the person who created our Emily Faith bear never saw a picture of the other bear. Our bear does not weigh what Emily weighted at birth since she was so tiny. Instead our bear weights what Maddie weighted when she was born (almost 5lbs). The reason for this was I wanted the weight to be significant to our family and I ordered this bear long before we even knew we were pregnant with Samantha.

Molly Bears is an amazing organization

UPDATE:
"Baby Emily Bear" as we call our bear from Molly Bears is well loved. Some days she is in my room on my bed. Other days she is in the girls room. But I think most of the time she spends in the living room in the play area. Maddie loves to carry her around and play with her. From day one, I decided that the girls should be allowed to play with and lover on Baby Emily Bear. The bear is a physical reminder of Emily and I want the girls to always feel like they can hug and play with her.

I Knew This Day Would Come

Our oldest, Maddie, is almost 4. It amazes me everyday how much she is growing up and changing. Over the last few months she has talked about Emily almost every day. At random times throughout the day she will say something like "I miss Emily." or "I wish I could go to heaven and see Emily." or "I wish Emily could come back to our home."

That is the one thing about an almost 4 year old, she seems to need the same thing explained over and over again. There are times when I just want to say "Your sister is dead and she is never coming back." But I know that is not what she needs me to say. So instead I explain to her that Emily is in heaven with Jesus. Then the questions come...mostly WHY??? It seems like lately just the simple answer that we used to give her is not enough. She is asking more questions.

Tonight was different. The questions and statements were the same, but I knew that she needed more. After we had talked for a bit about Emily at dinner I told her I had pictures of Emily. I asked her if she would like to see the pictures I have of Emily? She said yes and then went back to eating dinner. That was all that was said.
After I put Samantha to bed tonight I was talking to Maddie and asked her if she would like to see that pictures of Emily. She said yes, so I pulled out the book I had made of all the pictures I have of Emily. It was amazing to see her connect with the pictures. It was like for the first time Emily was a REAL baby.

We talked about all the equipment that was on Emily and how the doctors used it to help Emily breathe because her lungs were not able to breathe on her own.

We talked about how tiny her hands and feet were.

We talked about the picture of mommy and daddy getting to hold Emily before she went to heaven to be with Jesus.

It was a really special time. I cried a little. It has been a long time since I have looked at Emily's photo album. I wanted to get the little box of all the things that we have of Emily's and show them to her, but I had just put Samantha down to sleep and could not go back in, but I plan to show her them very soon.

I am sad that I even have to have this experience with my children, but I am so thankful that I can share it with them. Emily will always be a part of our family and even though Maddie and Samantha will have no memory of her, they can remember her.

The Ticker...& Other Random Musings

When Emily first died I would read other women's blogs and see the little ticker on the side of the page that said how many years, months, weeks and days since their baby had died. I would sometimes think, wow it has been a long time since they lost their baby...Tonight I was looking at my blog and happened to glance at the ticker I created for Emily. It says 1 year, 3 months, 1 week and 1 day since we said goodbye. I am in "that" place now; it has been a year and and 2 months since I started blogging. This blog has been a wonderful outlet and even an aid in my healing.

In the first few months after we lost Emily I felt like I just had to write. There were days I would write several posts. Writing helped me process and handle the intense emotions that I endured. The writing was always for me. I pray that what I have shared and will share in the future will be a comfort to others, like so many blogs were/are to me.

I often wondered, as I read other baby loss mom's blogs, why they did not blog as often after a year, two years. I know understand, at least for me...Sometimes life gets in the way, another child joins the family, there is just not as much to say, as time goes by the pain in not as intense and so the need to process the pain decreases.

I wish I had the time and even the desire to write more often, but for me this is a place to come when I need to process or just share how I am feeling. I think I have decided that I will never be one of the "great bloggers" who does it for a living. This is a blog dedicated to Emily Faith and how our family is coping with not having her with our family everyday.

Her Eyes

Last Tuesday I was watching 19 Kids and Counting. It was their season finale. The episode where they find out that the baby Michelle Duggar was pregnant with died at 18 weeks. It was a very hard episode to watch, but I was so touched by what Michelle Duggar said. She really shared her heart.

She shared a letter that she wrote to her unborn daughter. The one part that stuck out to me was about her daughter's eyes. Since her eyes were not open yet, she never saw anything on this earth. The first thing she saw was the face of the Lord. When I heard her say that I thought, that is so neat that for so many of our babies, the first face they saw was that of their Heavenly Father. 

Emily never got to see my face or that of her daddy or sister, but she gets to see that face of her Creator everyday. As much as I wish I could have seen her eyes and have had her look at me, even for a moment, I love the thought that she saw His face first. 

I am not going to share the link here, but if you are interested you can visit the Duggar site and there is a recording that Michelle Duggar made of herself reading the letter she wrote to her unborn daughter. 

When It Is Least Expected

It has been almost 2 months since I last wrote. Life with a newborn and a preschooler is challenging and oh so rewarding. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. But then other days I feel like "Super Woman" and actually accomplish a few things. The last two months have been a roller coaster of emotions.

Tonight I was putting Maddie to bed and she asked me if I would lay with her for a few minutes. Tonight Samantha was already in bed, so I had the time to spend with Maddie. The dishes and picking up the rest of the house could wait. Having these moments with my oldest daughter is something to be treasured.

So I climbed into bed with her and she cuddled up to me. It was then that I was struck with an overwhelming sadness. I instantly remember my first night home after Emily died. I had not seen Maddie for more than a few minutes for almost a week; so when I put her to bed I laid down with her and just cuddled her and rubbed her head. We both fell asleep this way and I work up about an hour later.

I miss Emily so much. It is in the normal life moments that I am reminded of how much. I go through so many days not really stopping to think about Emily, but then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I will be holding Samantha, and looking into her sweet face and she smiles at me and I am sad that I never got to see Emily's first smile, I never even got to see her eyes.

I am so thankful that I have been blessed with the chance to mother Maddie and Samantha. And I am thankful for the 23 weeks 3 days and 10 hours that I got to have Emily Faith in my life.

One Year Ago

Dear Emily,
It has been a long time since I wrote you a letter. But tonight a letter seems the most appropriate way to express how I feel. I am just 16 days away from my due date with your baby sister. That's right you are going to be a big sister. I have wondered since I got pregnant with you sister if I would deliver her on your birthday. I have prayed that it would be your day and that you and your sister would not have to share the date. At this point it does not look like she is coming tomorrow, but a lot can change fast.
I have been functioning really well the last few months. I miss you so much, but life has gone on and soon we will have a new little one in our family. Welcoming your baby sister does not mean that we will love you any less or think of you any less, but life is going to change for us again. Oh how I wish you were here with us celebrating your first birthday. But if you were here with us, then I would not be pregnant with your baby sister. I know that God had a plan for your short life and I also know He has a plan for your baby sister, who will be joining or family soon.

I have been thinking about you a lot today and how much you changed my life and our family's life in your short 23 weeks 3 days and 10 hours of life. I am so thankful to be your mommy. I can't wait until I get to see you again in Heaven.

I love you forever and always,
Mommy

Tomorrow is Emily Faith's 1st birthday. Life has been so busy and crazy lately and I have been so focused on my current pregnancy and getting us all moved in before little Neptune is born that I have not spent much time thinking about how we would commemorate Emily's birthday and death. I was even at the point where I was not sure I wanted to do anything. But tonight it has hit me hard. It was a year ago that I was in the hospital and we were making a final decision about her name. A year ago was a rough night for me, I had contractions all night and the next morning it became obvious that I would be delivering that day, January 26th.

Up until a few days ago I had really thought that I would have a brand new baby at home by now. I never thought that I would make it this far in a pregnancy. I am so excited that I have, but at the same time I really wish I was holding this baby, and that there was not the chance that this little one could be born tomorrow. I had it all planned out, but I know God has other plans, and while His plans don't always fit with mine...His are perfect. I know this little girl will come at the perfect time for her.

I have decided that we will keep tomorrow simple. Maddie and I are going to make cupcakes with pink frosting and then when my husband gets home from work tomorrow night we will release three pink balloons for Emily. The rest of the day I plan to keep as normal a schedule as I can. I think it is what is best for our whole family.

I am not sure what to expect from tomorrow, but I know that it is probably going to be a bit of a difficult day.

More Pregnant Than I Ever Have Been

Last Wednesday I was finally more pregnant than I ever have been. It is so strange to me to be this pregnant. I am entering a whole new territory. I guess all along I just assumed that I could not carry a baby to full term. Now I am starting to think that maybe my body can do it. On Friday I will be 37 weeks and considered full term.
There are moments when I will stop and think I have not felt the baby move in awhile and then worry. I think it is natural to worry a bit, even though I wish I wouldn't. Usually if I eat or drink something and lay down for a few minutes she starts to move and I feel much better.
One of my hopes for this pregnancy was to be huge and miserable. Well, I feel huge. I am not really miserable, just uncomfortable. But I am not complaining. I am so thankful for this little life growing inside me and for every moment that I am pregnant.

In just 10 days it will be one year since Emily was born and then died. It is so strange to me that it has already been a whole year. So much has happened in the last year. Life has changed so much. I miss my little girl so much, but know that her sister would not be about ready to make her appearance if we had not lost Emily.

I have been thinking a lot about how I want to celebrate Emily's life and remember her. But I am just not sure what I want to do. I have thought about making pink cupcakes and having a private family time and also doing a balloon release. Then I think about the fact that I will be almost 38 weeks pregnant and could even possible be in the hospital on January 26th (Emily's Birthday).

I think I have come to the conclusion that I will have things ready to celebrate on January 26th and then see where I am on that day.

32 Weeks and Random Musings

I can't believe it has been almost two months since I last posted. It is also so hard for me to believe that in just 10 days it will be 11 months since we lost Emily. It has almost been a year. Where has the time gone? This has sure been a year of ups and downs.

The good news is that I am still pregnant. I have now made it to 32 weeks with no complications. When this whole pregnancy began it seemed like forever until we would get to welcome a new life into our family and now here I am just 8 short weeks away from my due date. While I have a lot less worry than I did in the beginning of this pregnancy, I still feel on edge about when our little girl is going to make an appearance. If she is born when her oldest sister was, I only have 3.5 weeks left.

A few weeks ago I was in the baby's room working on getting things organized and I realized that this is the first baby I have really been able to prepare for. It actually feel kind of strange. With our first, Maddie, we did not find out the gender so getting things ready looked a lot different. We bought a crib and a dresser and had both set up, but we had not had a baby shower yet when Maddie made her appearance and so we really were not ready...

When I was pregnant with Emily we found out at 21 weeks we were having a girl and then two weeks later she was born. That did not really give us anytime to even begin to get ready for her arrival. We had created a registry and I had bought a few clothing items, but that was it. A few months after we lost Emily I finally packed up the few things we had bought for her.

With this pregnancy I have been sewing and organizing and washing since we found out we were having another girl. My life was really made easy this time since most of Maddie's clothes will work for this baby since they will both have been born in the same season. I have moments of "what if she comes out a he", because the ultrasound technician was wrong. But those are not very often, but it has crossed my mind. I would love a boy just as much, it would just cause me a moment or two of "what are we going to do?" But we would just take it in stride.

9 Months

Our baby girl would have been 9 months old today, if she had lived. 9 months have passed, and in 3 short months will be one year. It is hard to believe that we have made it though 9 months. I know that in the beginning I never imagined that life would go on and that my grief has gotten easy to live with. It is like everyone told me in time it is easier. Time or the addition of another child to our family will not change the fact that we lost a child. I will always miss Emily. She is and will always be my 2nd child.

In the past 9 months I have seen grief sneak in at the oddest times. Times when I think I am doing great and do not expect to be bombarded with extreme sadness. The other night I was laying in bed and began to think about a dear friend, Sue, who died a few months after Emily. Her death was very unexpected. Sue had been to visit me at the hospital before Emily was born and that was the last time I got to see her. I spoke with her twice more before she died. I remember what an encouragement she was to me that afternoon in the hospital. The other night as I was thinking about her and missing her I got this image of her holding Emily in heaven. It was such a wonderful image and I am glad that she is in heaven with Emily.

I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with Emily and that I will forever be her mommy.

I love you baby girl.

24 Weeks

I MADE IT TO 24 WEEKS!!!!!! I know this is a day late, but I think better late than never. It has been in the last week or so that I have started to believe that this pregnancy is not going to be like my last pregnancy. Now every day is one more day of "baking" for our little one and each extra day increased the chance of her surviving if she is born early.

My next goal is to get to 36 weeks. Which would be when I delivered Maddie. I am okay with going to 40 weeks, but if I am totally honest, I pray that I don't go a day over 40 weeks. I want to hold this little girl in my arms as soon as I can, and in my mind the soonest I should be holding her is February 10, 2012. If she comes a bit sooner that is fine by me, I am just praying that it is not too soon.

I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday. It went great. I currently have only gained 6lbs. I am pleased with this number, it means I am averaging a pound a month, which is not bad at all. Her heart beat was nice and strong. And Dr. P surprised me by saying he wanted to check my cervix again, since it had been a awhile since it had been checked. I am still measuring 4+cm (anything over 3cm is fantastic at this point in the pregnancy).

Up to this point I have called our baby peanut or little one, mostly because I was not sold on the nickname my husband has been using for our baby girl. But I have found myself calling her by his nickname more and more. At our first ultrasound, when I was pregnant with Maddie, Ron dubbed our growing baby "Iggy." Not sure where that came from but it stuck and since we did not find out the gender of Maddie until she was born that is what we called her until she was delivered and was named her.
I honestly don't remember what Emily was dubbed during the pregnancy and I am really saddened by that fact. I don't know if Ron never gave her a "name" or if I just don't remember what it was.
From the very beginning of this pregnancy Ron has been calling our growing child "Neptune." Just like with "Iggy" I have no idea where it came from, but "Neptune" it is. Even Maddie has started calling the baby "Neptune."

We have decided that just like with our other two girls that we will not name her until she is born. We have talked about names, but nothing is set in stone until we meet our little girl. So until then she will be Neptune.

In One Week

I look at the date of my last post and feel guilty that I have not written in so long. It has been 15 days since I have written. I used to write every day, sometimes more than once in a day. The last time I wrote I had all these ideas for posts, but I did not follow through and now the ideas are gone.

One week from today I will be as far along with this pregnancy as I was when I delivered Emily (23 weeks 3 days). Then it will be only 4 more days until I am 24 weeks pregnant. I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about the upcoming week, but it is there in the back of my mind trying to creep in during those quite not so busy moments. This pregnancy is progressing wonderfully. I have had one tiny scare just over a week ago. I thought I saw some spotting first thing in the morning. But then there was nothing the rest of the day and has been nothing since. So I wonder if I imagined it...

I feel our little girl moving a lot these days. This is such a different experience for me to feel so much so early. With our first two pregnancies I had an anterior placenta and so the baby's movements were often blocked from me feeling them in the front. In fact I was at least 22 weeks pregnant the first two times before I felt consistent movement. This time it has been confirmed that I have a posterior placenta, and because of this I have been able to feel our little one moving since around 15 weeks. It is such a comfort to feel her moving.

Each day with this little life inside is a gift and I am enjoying each day.

Half Way There

Friday marked the 20 week mark. We also had our anatomy scan ultrasound. From what I could see on the ultrasound every thing looks good. The baby is measuring right on for the dates that we already have set. We will see the doctor on Thursday to confirm that everything looks good from the ultrasound.

We also confirmed what my husband and I have felt a long. We are having a GIRL. We are so excited to have another little girl in the family. Now to pick out a name. my husband and I have been talking in the evening about names, but we have nothing pinned down yet. Plus we have waited to name our other two until after they were born. We have an idea of names, but we want to meet our baby before we give her a name. So in the mean time my husband has decided our little one will be called Neptune. I have not explanation for this name, just one day he started calling the baby this, and it has stuck. Even Maddie is calling the baby "baby Neptune." It is really cute.

I am so happy to finally be half way through this pregnancy, I want to meet our little girl so much. I am enjoying each day that I am pregnant and now being able to feel our little one moving is helping keep me calm. But I think that these next four weeks are going to be a bit hard. It was the week following our anatomy scan with Emily that everything started to fall apart; all those early morning trips to the ER and the multiple hospital admissions. I am so thankful that it is not the same time of year, but I will feel much better once we get past 24 weeks. I know that there are no guarantees after 24 weeks but our little one's chances of survival increases every week after 24 weeks and that will bring me some comfort.

I am really going to try and write more in the future. I feel bad that I have been neglecting this blog lately, but I have just not felt much like writing and it seems like if I go one day without writing it is so much easier to go another day and then another one. On another blog I follow the author actually addressed this issue of it being hard to get back into writing once you take a day off, so that is why she writes every day, because if she didn't then there would always be an excuse for not writing the next day. So with that said, I am not promising to write each day, but I will try to write at least once a week and see if I can get back up to once a day.

A Giveaway on the PAIL Blog Directory

After Emily's death I knew I wanted to do something to honor Emily and to reach out to other families who have suffered the loss of an infant. After thinking about it for many months I decided to create a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory. A place where families could connect with others who had gone through a similar loss. The directory has been up and running for about 4 months now, and is growing slowly. To aid in the growth of this resource I have decided to host a giveaway on the blog directory.

If you have a moment please visit the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory. The information about the giveaway is posted there now.

When You Least Expect It...

It always seems that my emotions creep up when I least expect them. Today was the first day of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). Last year, the first day of MOPS fell on September 9th. I remember this day because it was right after MOPS that I got a positive pregnancy test (this was my pregnancy with Emily). So official I have been pregnant for basically a year, (minus the 4 months between pregnancies). But that is a long time to be pregnant and not have a baby in your arms. I am counting the days until I get to hold a baby in my arms again.

My emotions were already a bit high to start with and then our leader shared with us that one of the other moms, who is almost 33 weeks pregnant, was being airlifted to the same hospital I was airlifted to, due to pre-term labor. I just lost it, I had to leave the room because I was crying so hard. I got myself under control and went back into the room, where I started to cry all over again. I am so thankful for the women that came and gave me hugs and just let me cry. I was finally able to get myself under control, and had a wonderful morning of fellowship and fun. But A. is on my mind and in my prayers.

I know that A. is in one of the best hospitals in the state to care for her and her baby, if he is born early, but it still hits me hard. I am praying like crazy for her and her baby boy.

Just when I think I am doing really well, something comes out of nowhere and knocks me down again.

The "Right" Thing is not Always Right

I feel like I have had a writer's block the last month or so. It was not until last night that I finally figured out why I have not been able to write or really even visit this blog very often. This blog has always been a place for me to come and share my feelings about Emily, how I am feel about losing her, how I am grieving and our life after Emily. But recently I have not felt like sharing. I have even been dreading this upcoming week. I am so thankful to my husband for finally putting words to his, as well as my feelings about the next week. In case you are lost, the memorial service put on by the hospital where we delivered Emily is this coming Thursday, September 15.

I wish I could put into words how I have been feeling the last month. I am just not sure what the words are. I have been almost dreading going to the memorial service. Weeks ago I wrote about how I felt like this memorial would be a final goodbye to Emily. But the truth is I don't need a "finally goodbye." I know where my daughter is; She is in heaven with Jesus. She is in the best place possible for her. I would love to have her here on this earth with our family, but she is in such a better place. We made a decision about what to do with Emily's physical body in the hospital on January 27th. For our family it was the right choice.

Since finding out about the memorial I have felt like the "right" thing to do is go to the service, but I have not been anticipating it, I have been dreading it. For me it is not going to be a closure or a goodbye; that has already happened. Emily is in my heart and I don't need a place to go to remember her. I remember her every day. With all of that said we have decided not to attend the memorial. I can't even express the pressure and dread that has lifted since we made this decision. It is like I was forcing my self to go through a motion for someone else and do what everyone would expect me to do. But my grief is not about everyone else, it is about me. That is one thing I have learned in the months since Emily's death; everyone processes a loss and deals with grief differently and no one should be made to feel like what they are doing or not doing is right or wrong.

It has been 7 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since we lost our sweet little girl. So much has happened in the life of our family. We have gone from extreme sadness and grief to such joy and anticipation for the future. The Lord has truly blessed us in the months since Emily's death. Losing a child is something that I wish no parent every had to experience, but the loss has changed me as a person and while I wish these changes could have come about in a different way I am happy with who I am.

Sweet Emily,
Momma loves you so much. I am so thankful that you were in our life for even the short time that you were. I miss you so much, but at the same time I love thinking that you will never know the pains of life. You are in a perfect place, at the feet of Jesus. And one day we will get to see you again. I am excited for that day, but know you are in great hands until that day.

Love your mom

A Final Memorial for Emily

Last week I received a letter from the hospital where we delivered Emily. The letter was informing us of when the infant memorial service is going to be held. After Emily died my husband and I had to decide what to do with Emily's body. There were several different options provided to us, but ultimately we decided to let the hospital cremate her body and then bury her ashed along with the other infant who had died the previous year. There were many reasons for the decision that we made, and even to this day I am still comfortable with the choice that we made.

The memorial service will be held on September 15 at Evergreen-Washelli Cemetery in Seattle, Washington.

We plan to make the drive as a family and attend the memorial service. We are taking Maddie with us. I feel like it is very important to include her in this. I don't think there has been a time that I ever considered not attending. I know that we have already said good-bye to Emily and we had the closure that we needed, but at the same time I want to go through this final act of saying good-bye.

As I am writing this, I am thinking about how hard this service might actually be for me. Since we did not have any kind of memorial for Emily after she died this is the final closure. But attending this memorial, almost 19 weeks pregnant is something that just hit me. If we had not lost Emily, we would not be expecting this new baby. This new life would not have been possible if we had Emily in our arms today.  

Thoughts About My Blog

I have had so many emotions over the last week or so. I have been going back and forth about several things in regards to my blog. The major one is, do I want to continue writing about this pregnancy on this blog. When I first started this blog it was an outlet for my grief, then it became a way for me to share my life after Emily, this included Maddie. And it was at that point that I decided that this blog was about our family's journey after the loss of Emily and that this blog would include any future children that we might have.

This thought came up after a fellow BLM blogger just had her rainbow baby. This BLM had not shared about the pregnancy on her blog and it was only after the baby was born safely that she finally shared the news on her blog. She wrote about her pregnancy and shared it on her blog on a separate page after the baby was born. This actually got me to thinking...Would I have continued to read her blog if she was always talking about her pregnancy? I don't have an answer to that question. I am just not sure.

I know that after I announced my pregnancy on my blog I lost one follower. I was not surprised, in fact I actually thought I might lose more. I know a lot of BLM bloggers choose to start a new blog for their family and rainbow baby. Now that I am pregnant reading about their pregnancies is helpful to me to see what they went through emotionally during the pregnancy and how they handled a pregnancy after a loss.

Writing has been such a healing process for me. It has helped me that I have had an audience to write to, though most of this is for me. I have struggled with saying the wrong thing knowing people read what I write and come to the point where it ultimately is for me and if someone does not like it they can just stop reading. This is not to be harsh or mean, but this is me, my thoughts and feeling. I am fine with anyone reading them, but it is my opinion and is never directed at anyone.

Writing today has actually helped me process. And I have talked to several people about my thoughts about continuing to write about the pregnancy on this blog. One person I talked to suggested that I needed to share my process for deciding, especially for someone who has just lost a baby and has started reading my blog.

I want this blog to be a documentation of everything that has happened and everything that we as a family will go through as a result of losing Emily. With that said, I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on my blog. And when the baby is born I will also write about our little peanut.

Twelve Weeks

This week has been a week of milestones. Emily's six month anniversary, which I shared about in the previous post. And I am now 12 weeks pregnant. Which means I am almost to the 2nd trimester. The 2nd trimester with Emily was a time of concern and ultimately the end of the pregnancy. I know that the 12 weeks are going to be difficult at times. There are a lot of important milestones to get through with this pregnancy in the coming weeks.

Since we lost Emily I have become obsessed with dates. So please bear with me as I share some crazy information that actually makes me feel better when I think about it. We got pregnant with Maddie around that same time of year that we got pregnant with little peanut. I got a positive pregnancy test 3 years and one day to the date that we got a positive pregnancy test with Maddie. And my mom was the first person we told with both Maddie and little peanut's pregnancies. With all of these dates lining up pretty close, it has actually brought me some comfort, however, strange it is.

A few weeks ago I went back and looked to see when we had our 20 week ultrasound with Maddie, September 30, 2008. I have already decided that I want to have little peanut's 20 week ultrasound on September 30, 2011. I am hoping the doctor will humor me. September 30th would put us at 21 weeks, exactly when we had Emily's 20 week ultrasound. I love the idea of having a tie with all three pregnancies. I know to a lot of people all this date stuff might seem crazy, but it is comforting to me.

So besides being crazy, how am I doing?

Physically
The worst of the nausea has finally past. However, the last two nights nausea has set in after dinner. Not really fun to keep wondering of dinner is going to come back up. So far it has not. I have been starting to get some energy back. Not enough that I can skip my afternoon nap and not feel awful a few hours later, but I am able to get a bit more done each day.
Last weekend I spent two days making cherry and apricot jam and drying a bunch of fruit. I was super tired by the end of the second day, but I love that I can finally get things done again.
I defiantly have a tummy and I am wearing maternity pants, though to be honest I have been wearing maternity pants since before I found out I was pregnant again because I had just not lost enough to fit back onto my old pants. I had my husband bring the box of maternity clothes in from the garage, but I have not yet gotten them out of the box. I am not sure when I will feel ready to get the clothes out and hung up so that I can wear them in a month or so. I still have time so I am being patient with myself.

Emotionally
Up until last night I would say that I am emotionally doing really well. Then last night I has a little break down. I was sad about forgetting Emily's six month anniversary, but I am also getting nervous about my next appointment. Because everything looked so good at the last appointment the doctor decided to wait a month to see me again, which is fine in a normal pregnancy, but this pregnancy is anything but normal. I really need to see, or at least hear the heart beat again. I have read about several women who at 9 weeks the baby looked good and then at the 12/13 week appointment they could not find a heartbeat and it looked like the baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I know I really need to stop reading these stories since they are making me crazy, so that is my goal this week, stop with the insanity.
I know in my heart that everything is okay, but my head sometimes does not get the message. And it is because in my heart I know it is okay I am not going to be "that women" and call and bug the doctor. My next appointment is a week from Tuesday, so I think I can stay sane for a week and a few days.
Though I have already decided to ask the doctor if he would be okay with seeing me every three weeks instead of four weeks. I think under the circumstances he might just agree to that. At least I hope so.

6 Months

Can it really have been half a year since we lost our sweet Emily Faith? It does not seem possible that so much time has passed. In six months it will have been one year. July 26th came and went without much thought about the day, in fact it was not until the next morning that I remembered that yesterday had been Emily's six month anniversary. When I remembered I got really sad that I had let the day go by and not really spend time thinking about six months ago. I shared this with my infant loss support group that night (July 27th). The facilitator of the group said she understood why it made me sad that I did not remember, but she also said it is a sign that I am healing. I will never forget Emily, but I have to go on living for our other children.

It has taken me a while to write this post because I was still processing how I felt about not remembering on the day. Last night I actually cried for the first time in several weeks. Part of it is hormones, but the other part is a sadness that I am moving on. Life keeps going and sometimes gets so crazy that important things get forgotten for a moment. I know that I will never forget Emily or the 26th of any month, but I feel really good about where I am; I am processing in my grief.

I know that there are going to be many set backs in the months and years to come, but today I am doing well. I can now talk about Emily to people and not cry every time I say her name. I am also more comfortable saying that I lost a child. It actually amazed me how easy it was the other day to share with a group of ladies that I lost an infant child 6 months ago. I did not go into detail, but just being able to share without caring what other people thought was a huge thing for me. Emily is my child and when I share about my children she is included.