Lifting Others Up In Prayer

I believe in the power of prayer.

I know that some people sometimes wonder how I can still believe in the power of prayer after what I have gone through. But the truth is that God never promised to answer all our prayers the way WE want them answered. I think the hardest part is believing and trusting God, no matter what the outcome.

I have no answer for why prayers are not always answered with the yes, that we want. But despite my sadness at losing Emily, I have seen other prayers answered in the aftermath of her death. I still do not understand why Emily died, or what the greater purpose is, but I do know that God is good.

Several months ago I stumbled upon a blog, 2 kids, A mini van and a mortgage written by Kate. February 23rd of this year her 5 year old daughter Lucy was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of brain cancer, Medulloblastoma.

I firmly believe that every blog I have found in the last five months have been for some reason. Some have been a support to me, others have been a fun distraction, but this one, as well as a few others I believe I found, so that I could intercede in prayer for Lucy and her family.

Kate shares, most of the time, daily about how Lucy and the family can use prayer, the miraculous answers to pray, and just about their life, with a child living with cancer. There have been some amazing answers to pray and I would like to invite you to join me in praying for Kate, Lucy and their entire family.

You might also notice the button on the side bar on my blog. I feel so strongly about praying for this family that I have added the button that was made for Lucy to my blog page.

There are so many verses about prayer, but I  think 1 John 5:14-15 is a wonderful verse about prayer

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him

Small Miracles ~ Life

I have tried to write this post several times over the last two days, but always have to stop writing because I just don't have the words, my mind seems to go blank. I finally have the words, I know what my small miracle is:

The miracle of life.

For those of us who have lost a child at any stage in pregnancy and beyond we treasure those moments we had with our child(ren). But I really struck me today. What a miracle that I have had the chance to be pregnant, not just once, but twice. I had the opportunity to care for Emily for 23 weeks. The Lord blessed us, but allowing us to get pregnant and then to carry our sweet baby. We did not get the chance to raise her, but she is and will always be ours.

I have had so much sad news in the last 7 days, a dear friend, a sweet baby boy, and a close friend of my husbands all passed away recently. I have cried for each one, but I have also rejoiced in their lives. Each one of them was on this earth for a reason and now each one of them is no longer with us, but they remain in our hearts.

This is not the most uplifting small miracles post I have written, but it is my heart. I found a verse today that I thought was perfect for this post today. I had thought about writing a post about it, but that is not where I felt led to write today, but I do want to share the verse with you.

Psalm 71:14 - As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

This is my prayer, I want to aways have hope:

Hope that the Lord is near me and that He cares for me, even in the hard times.

Hope that one day we will see those we have lost again.

Hope in the promise of a rainbow.

Hope that I can praise the Lord, more and more

What miracles have you witnessed or felt lately? Hop on over to Small Bird Studio and join this blog hop and share your small miracle.

Grief into Joy

...CONTINUED (from the previous post, if you have not read the previous post "Before" click here)

Just like a blog title can tell you something about what is going to be written below so can the titles inside the Bible. The title of John 16:16-33 is The Disciples' Grief Will Turn to Joy (NIV). Most people do not expect to see the words grief and joy in the same sentence, I mean really. It is basically an oxymoron (which is a word that I love, I mean, such a cool word to mean combining contradictory terms. But I digress).

How many people actually use the word joy and grief in the same sentence, in a normal day, outside of Church?

Probably not to many.

For John 16:16-33 that title really says it all. So that you don't have to take time to look up the verses here they are for you:

The Disciples’ Grief Will Turn to Joy

Jesus went on to say, “In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”

At this, some of his disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,’ and ‘Because I am going to the Father’?” They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.”

Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’?Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

“Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father.”

Then Jesus’ disciples said, “Now you are speaking clearly and without figures of speech. Now we can see that you know all things and that you do not even need to have anyone ask you questions. This makes us believe that you came from God.”

“Do you now believe?” Jesus replied. “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

What a bunch of loaded verses.

I don't think it was an accident that I chose to write the last post and consequently looked up John 16:33 and then decided to see what the context was. The fact that Jesus compared the disciples grief to a women in labor...Labor is hard. I have been through it twice now, neither time with any pain meds, so I have felt the full effects. I can understand the comparison. There were times during labor that I was ready to give up and wanted an easy fix, some thing to take the pain away. Similarly, like I said in my last post about just forgetting so that the pain would go away, my pain of grief.

The joy comes when that child is born, and the pain is forgotten. For me I see the joy in several ways. The first and most obvious is that I will have joy when I am reunited with Emily when we are in Heaven. But another joy is in continuing to live life and focus on the fact that her life had meaning and that the Lord can use her short live and her death to impact His Kingdom. For me, the pain will still be there until we are reunited in Heaven, but with the Lord's help and time it will hurt less.

Jesus told the disciples a lot more than they could comprehend and at times this overwhelmed them, but in verse 33 He told them why. He told them those things, "so that they could have peace in Him." We do not always have to understand what has happened, but He has promised that in those times He will give us peace knowing that he has overcome the world.

I have one last thing to share about these verses that I have kind of applied to myself. Jesus said in “In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”

For me: I got to see Emily for a time, now I no longer see her, but in a little while I will see her again. I am sure this is not what the verse means in any way, shape, or form. But I am sure you understand what I am getting at, it is a comfort to me.

Before

Over the last several weeks I have had this though several times, it is not a happy thought and in all honestly it is kind of dark.

In those moments when I am feeling sad or overwhelmed I sometime think it might be easier if we just went back to life the way it was before I even got pregnant with Emily. Life was easier before we knew this pain, it was less complicated and we were so naive. I stop and think, "she was only alive, both inside me and on the outside world, for such a short time...why are we so impacted by it"

I am not saying that I wish to forget about Emily or everything that we have gone through, but it would maybe make it hurt less and life would be easier, at least in my crazy brain.

Those are my thoughts in dark, painful times. But then I am reminded of how much I have learned and grown already since Emily's life and death. I think about how much more open my heart is to God and all the He has to say to me. I think about all the amazing women I have met and the strength that I have gotten just from reading about their stories of surviving and remembering the short lives of their children.

The Lord has never promised us that life will be easy, in fact, John 16:33 says “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

We can take comfort in the fact that HE IS and even when we have trouble, HE IS.

This sure was not the direction I had intended to take when I started writing this post, but as has been the case many times over the last few weeks, I really feel that the Lord directs the direction of my posts. Sometimes I read back over what I wrote and am amazed that I actually wrote that.
After I looked up the John 16:33 reference to make sure I got the verse correct I decided to go back and read the context of that verse. I often find that a verse can be taken out of context and applied to our lives in any way we see fit. But if you actually go back and look at the context you can often learn something more, or realize what you thought the meaning was is not really the meaning at all.

I am going to make this a "To Be Continued" post, because I feel that John 16:16-33 and what I got out of it needs its own post.

So...

TO BE CONTINUED...

A Way Out

I have not opened my Bible much since Emily died. This is not an act of rebellion, it is simply I have not felt much like reading my Bible. I have days where I am angry at God, but being angry is also not the reason I have not opened my Bible much recently.

With that being said, I know that the Lord knows where I am right now and He has provided other ways for me to be in the Word and to be ministered to through His Word. In my last post I mentioned the blog "Pray Date," this blog has become a daily place for me to go and be ministered to. Most days the verse touches my heart in some way. I was also given a daily devotional by my sister shortly after Emily died. A few days after she gave it to me I looked at it. And then I just kind of forgot about it. Yesterday my sister text me and shared with me that that day's passage had really given her comfort, (she also has the same devotional). So I picked it up and read it. It was very timely for yesterday for me as well. It is these little ways that the Lord is showing me how much He cares and that he wants to meet me right where I am.

Today's verse on Pray Date is a verse that meant a lot to me in the days following Emily's death and I still think about this verse often. It is 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."

If you have spent much time talking with me in the past few weeks you have probably heard me make some reference to this verse. Maybe not the exact verse, but things like I truly believe that the Lord knew how much we could handle and he did not give us more than we could handle.

He has also given us a "way out", so that we are about to bear it (Emily's death). For me the way out has been blogging, and connecting with other moms who have also lost a child. Another way out for us has been our other child, Maddie. She has been such a joy to us, we are reminded everyday by her love of life and her energy that we can make it though this time of intense grief. I truly believe she is helping us heal.

His Assurance

I did not post yesterday, so this will make up for that. (It is my goal to post everyday, but family time always comes first).

About a week ago I discovered this wonderful blog started by an amazing Christian woman. It is called Pray Date: Where Angel's Mommies Meet. Each day Katy posts a bible verse or praise song. Then anyone is welcome to comment on the verse in any way they want. This site has been a huge encouragement to me.

Today's verse was Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

I love this verse. There is such comfort in the fact that Jesus has always been the same. We have that assurance that He is consistent and will not change; even when we are having a difficult time or even questioning our faith.

Rain

I was reading a dear friend's blog this afternoon and she was talking about rain and that rain brings rainbows. It got me to thinking that the rain from the sky and the "rain" (tears) from our eyes.

• Tears are healing. I think in the midst of our tears we don't think that there is healing, but we are healed through our tears.
• Rain makes things new. Sometimes rain destroys things, but once the rain has subsided, new life regrows, and people rebuild.

There is something comforting thinking about what comes after the rain: rainbows, regrowth, healing, life.

I am glad for the thought of the comfort of what comes after the rain and the tears, but right now my heart is broken and I am sad. I never thought that I could hurt so much. Having to see a child die is a pain that is not even comprehensible, it is not even close to anything that I have ever experienced before.

As I am writing this and listening to praise music I had this thought. It was like the Lord was saying to me "I watched My child die, and I could have done something about it, but I knew it was for a greater good. It was to save the world. I understand your pain. I cry with you. Come to me and I will comfort you."

I do wrestle with the fact the Lord could have allowed Emily to live. He could have kept me pregnant longer, He could have healed my body. He could have intervened and done a lot of things. But that was not in His plan. I wish I knew what His plan was, but  since I don't I can take heart in these verses.

Proverbs 3:5-8
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

My life right now is full of rain and tears, and sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it to the next hour, let alone the next day; but I have God's promise that He loves me and holds me in His arms.

I am emotionally drained after writing this post. I am going to end this with a song that I was just introduced to. This is where I am today.

Our First Sunday Back

We went back to church today. It is the first time we have been to church since Emily died. The last time I was at church on a Sunday I was still pregnant. The morning, before we left for church, was very difficult. I kept thinking it would be easier to stay home and maybe all the issues we were having would just go away. But I also knew that one reason for all the issues this morning was that we needed to be at church and evil one was doing what he could to distract us from what we really need to do.

We made it to church. Just guess what the service was on today? DEATH!

Yes, you read right, it was on death. Ron and I both looked at each other and considered leaving right then. I mean, our first Sunday back to church and they have to cover the one thing that has been keeping up from church up to this point. We decided to stay. One thing that kept going through my mind was, this is no accident that we are at church on this Sunday, of all Sundays. We were meant to be at this church service on February 27th.

The title of the sermon was "Jesus is Bigger than Death." The passage was Mark 5:21-43.

One thing that really struck me during the sermon was that even though Jesus brought people back from the dead, they did still die again later in life. Our life on earth is fleeting, we have the hope that our life in Heaven is Eternal.

"Death will come but we needn't be afraid of it because Jesus is bigger. There's a day coming when: "Death itself will be swallowed up in victory!" 1 Corinthians 15:54" - Pastor Joshua

At the end of the service we were encouraged to connect the sermon to our life:

• Do we really believe that Jesus is bigger than death?
• Reflect on the lives of one or two loved ones who have died in the Lord
• Proclaim the truth that Jesus is bigger than the death of a loved one.

I cried through most of the service, but I also left with a hope in my heart. I do not miss Emily any less and I am not any less sad. But I have the promise of the Lord that she will rise again, and I will see her again one day. This is the hope that we have. We do not understand why she was taken from us so soon, but He will be our comfort in our time of grief.

The Lord's Plan...Not Always Ours

Today I was doing some reading and I came across the Scripture 2 Samuel 12:15b-23. This is the scripture about King David's son dying. I have read this scripture many times over my life, but I have never really paid much attention to it before this. I found this Scripture interesting. Before I share what I thought of the verses and what I found in a commentary about it I thought I would post the portion of scripture for you to read as well.

2 Samuel 12:15b-23

Then the LORD struck the child that Uriah's widow bore to David, so that he was very sick.

16 David therefore inquired of God for the child; and David fasted and went and lay all night on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him in order to raise him up from the ground, but he was unwilling and would not eat food with them.

18 Then it happened on the seventh day that the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was still alive, we spoke to him and he did not listen to our voice. How then can we tell him that the child is dead, since he might do himself harm!”

19 But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David perceived that the child was dead; so David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” And they said, “He is dead.”

20 So David arose from the ground, washed, anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he came into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he came to his own house, and when he requested, they set food before him and he ate.

21 Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.”

22 He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows, the LORD may be gracious to me, that the child may live.'

23 “But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me."

David realized that while his child was alive he could pray to God and plead with Him to save his child. But once his child died, he got up, got dressed, and ate. David also realized that his son was dead and nothing he did was going to being him back, so it was time for his life to move on. I think of it like this, David put his life on hold while there was a chance that his son could recover and once he knew there was no chance he moved on with his life.

The verse following this portion says "Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon." The Lord did not answer David's prayers the way he wanted them answered, but the Lord did give David many blessings later.

From the moment that Ron and I learned that I was having problems with the pregnancy we had been praying that the Lord would heal me and protect the baby. I also had one other prayer and that was; that the Lord's will be done. I knew from the beginning that our prayers might not be answered in the way we wanted them to be, but that He would give us an answer. I can't tell you how much I hoped that my body would heal itself and that I would be able to carry Emily to full term. But the Lord still had a hand in everything that happened. And I realized that even when God answers our prayers with a no, He has other plans.

The Lord had other plans for David's life and how his life witnessed to those around him. I see this the same for our family.

The Lord had a plan for Emily's short life. For me, sometimes I wish I knew what that plan was right now. It might make losing her easier. Then I think about the fact that we may never know the whole impact Emily's life and death had on people. We may not know until we get to heaven. Like I said in the letter I sent out after Emily's death, her life already has had Kingdom impact and will continue too. 

The Grief of Others

It has now been almost three weeks since Emily's death. In that time I have gone through a lot of emotions. This morning, for the first time I did not really feel like getting out of bed. If I could have, I would have rolled over and went back to sleep and maybe slept for most of the day. But then Maddie woke up and I HAD to get out of bed. Once I got up and took a shower I felt much better and am functioning rather well this morning. I am sure there will be more days like this morning, but I know that I can get through them as long as I just take it slowly.

The above is just an update on how I am doing, but the purpose of this post is much different. I think that when one has a tragic event occur, such as a loss of a child they become very "self-absorbed." I don't say this as a negative thing, just a statement of fact. I personally have been very focused on my needs and that of Ron and Maddie and have not thought much about how the loss of Emily has affected anyone else. I think this is completely normal and how could anyone expect someone to think about others after something so tragic had occurred.

Recently though, I have had several conversations with people and have begun to see that Emily's death has affected them and many other people as well. Initially I was thinking how could her death really affect them; I mean they did not carry her inside their body, they did not hear her beating heart, they did not see her in the ultrasound, they did not see her in the NICU and they did not hold her. How then, could they really be affected by her death, other than being sad that they never met her or sad for our family because we are going through this awful pain?

Then I realized that just because they did not have any actual contact with Emily does not mean that her death does not have an impact on their life and that they need to grieve in their own way.
For my immediate family, they already loved Emily even though they had not met her. They were looking forward to having another little girl in the family and getting to love her as much as they do Maddie.
For friends of mine the loss of Emily affect them in many different ways. Some of them realized how precious life is and not to take the moments they have with their children for granted. For others it brought up memories of their child(ren) that are in heaven and caused them to have to deal with renewed grief. Even perfect strangers, people who we have never met were affected by Emily's death and are grieving in their own way.
I am sorry to everyone that I discounted your grief. This realization has given me a new understanding of how grief is different for everyone and that each person needs to have the freedom to experience that grief in a way that is right for them. It amazes me on a daily basis that Emily's life and death has already touched so many lives.

I want to share a verse with you that I found this morning.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
I pray that through my grief, as well as yours, that we can be comforted so that when others need comfort when they are suffering that we can offer the comfort we received to others.

I Have Two Children

I was asked the question yesterday, "How many children do you have?" I actually thought I would have longer until I had to answer this question. This exact question is maybe one reason why I have avoided having conversations with strangers, and especially strangers who have children. Because when women talk it is generally about our children. Yesterday while at MOPS I was talking with a mom that I did not know and we were of course talking about children, and she asked me how many children I had. I paused for a second before I answered, not really sure how I wanted to answer. The truth, I have two children. But that takes a lot more explaining than just saying I have a 2 year old daughter. But after a pause I told her that I have two children, one here and one in heaven, and then I shared with her a little about Emily. It was hard and I cried. But I am glad that I was able to share about the existence of Emily in my conversation with someone.

Several days after Emily died I was talking with a friend who has also lost a child. In the conversation she mentioned that the question of how many children you have will come up and you will have to decide how to answer. I am so thankful that we had that conversation because in a way it prepared me for how to answer. While consciously I never came up with how I would answer, it was at least something in the back of my mind. There may be times when I don't answer the same as I did yesterday, just to avoid having to explain further, but at least I have encountered one more tough situation and survived.

I was reading another mother's blog tonight and at the bottom of one of her posts she had this verse, "For I know the plans I have for you...to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I think this is a wonderful verse full of promise. The one thing that I keep thinking is that none of this has caught God by surprise. He knew before the beginning of time...And He has a greater plan in all of this than we can even imagine. So I will take comfort in the fact that He "knows the plans He has for me...to give me hope and a future."