Our Emily Faith (Molly) Bear

**NOTE: I wrote this post back in April, but for some reason never published it. So here it is...Long overdue**

April 18th started like most other days: Getting the girls dressed and ready for the day. But this Wednesday did not go exactly as planned. I ended up having a friend over for the morning because she needed some encouragement and the two of us had not talked in at least a few weeks so we needed to catch up any way. It was a really good time of fellowship (and eating strawberries and chocolate), while two of our kids played together.

I spend the rest of the morning getting lunch on the table and getting the girls down for naps. This also happened to be the second afternoon I had gotten both girls down to nap at about the same time. I had just sat down on the couch when I saw the mail lady coming toward our front door. I tried to jump up and make it to the door before she rung the door bell (really did not want the girls to get woken up, I needed a few minutes of R&R). I did not make it in time, but the girls did not wake up.

When I opened the door sitting there was a box. I was not expecting a package that day and it was pretty heavy, but I was still not sure what it was. I brought it inside and opened it. What was inside took my breath away and made me start to cry all at the same time. 

Inside the box was our very special, personalized Emily Faith Bear, created by Molly Bears.

I was not prepared for the emotion that I would feel when I saw this bear for the first time. She was perfect.

Molly Bears is an organization that makes teddy bears for families that have lost a baby. They make the bear to be the weight of the child that has died. And each bear is made specifically for the family. There is no one size fits all bear. The people who make these bears really care about each and every family who has lost a child(ren). When someone requests a bear they can also request things be added to the bear to make it extra special. 

When we left the hospital after Emily died, the NICU staff gave us a bear to give to Maddie. The bear was white and had a red bow. I felt like our Emily Faith bear should be similar, so I asked Molly Bears if they could make our bear white and give her a red bow and make sure there was a lady bug some where on her. I think they did a wonderful job. 

Here is the beat from the hospital and the bear from Molly Bears

Keep in mind that the person who created our Emily Faith bear never saw a picture of the other bear. Our bear does not weigh what Emily weighted at birth since she was so tiny. Instead our bear weights what Maddie weighted when she was born (almost 5lbs). The reason for this was I wanted the weight to be significant to our family and I ordered this bear long before we even knew we were pregnant with Samantha.

Molly Bears is an amazing organization

UPDATE:
"Baby Emily Bear" as we call our bear from Molly Bears is well loved. Some days she is in my room on my bed. Other days she is in the girls room. But I think most of the time she spends in the living room in the play area. Maddie loves to carry her around and play with her. From day one, I decided that the girls should be allowed to play with and lover on Baby Emily Bear. The bear is a physical reminder of Emily and I want the girls to always feel like they can hug and play with her.

I Knew This Day Would Come

Our oldest, Maddie, is almost 4. It amazes me everyday how much she is growing up and changing. Over the last few months she has talked about Emily almost every day. At random times throughout the day she will say something like "I miss Emily." or "I wish I could go to heaven and see Emily." or "I wish Emily could come back to our home."

That is the one thing about an almost 4 year old, she seems to need the same thing explained over and over again. There are times when I just want to say "Your sister is dead and she is never coming back." But I know that is not what she needs me to say. So instead I explain to her that Emily is in heaven with Jesus. Then the questions come...mostly WHY??? It seems like lately just the simple answer that we used to give her is not enough. She is asking more questions.

Tonight was different. The questions and statements were the same, but I knew that she needed more. After we had talked for a bit about Emily at dinner I told her I had pictures of Emily. I asked her if she would like to see the pictures I have of Emily? She said yes and then went back to eating dinner. That was all that was said.
After I put Samantha to bed tonight I was talking to Maddie and asked her if she would like to see that pictures of Emily. She said yes, so I pulled out the book I had made of all the pictures I have of Emily. It was amazing to see her connect with the pictures. It was like for the first time Emily was a REAL baby.

We talked about all the equipment that was on Emily and how the doctors used it to help Emily breathe because her lungs were not able to breathe on her own.

We talked about how tiny her hands and feet were.

We talked about the picture of mommy and daddy getting to hold Emily before she went to heaven to be with Jesus.

It was a really special time. I cried a little. It has been a long time since I have looked at Emily's photo album. I wanted to get the little box of all the things that we have of Emily's and show them to her, but I had just put Samantha down to sleep and could not go back in, but I plan to show her them very soon.

I am sad that I even have to have this experience with my children, but I am so thankful that I can share it with them. Emily will always be a part of our family and even though Maddie and Samantha will have no memory of her, they can remember her.

When It Is Least Expected

It has been almost 2 months since I last wrote. Life with a newborn and a preschooler is challenging and oh so rewarding. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. But then other days I feel like "Super Woman" and actually accomplish a few things. The last two months have been a roller coaster of emotions.

Tonight I was putting Maddie to bed and she asked me if I would lay with her for a few minutes. Tonight Samantha was already in bed, so I had the time to spend with Maddie. The dishes and picking up the rest of the house could wait. Having these moments with my oldest daughter is something to be treasured.

So I climbed into bed with her and she cuddled up to me. It was then that I was struck with an overwhelming sadness. I instantly remember my first night home after Emily died. I had not seen Maddie for more than a few minutes for almost a week; so when I put her to bed I laid down with her and just cuddled her and rubbed her head. We both fell asleep this way and I work up about an hour later.

I miss Emily so much. It is in the normal life moments that I am reminded of how much. I go through so many days not really stopping to think about Emily, but then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I will be holding Samantha, and looking into her sweet face and she smiles at me and I am sad that I never got to see Emily's first smile, I never even got to see her eyes.

I am so thankful that I have been blessed with the chance to mother Maddie and Samantha. And I am thankful for the 23 weeks 3 days and 10 hours that I got to have Emily Faith in my life.

One Year Ago

Dear Emily,
It has been a long time since I wrote you a letter. But tonight a letter seems the most appropriate way to express how I feel. I am just 16 days away from my due date with your baby sister. That's right you are going to be a big sister. I have wondered since I got pregnant with you sister if I would deliver her on your birthday. I have prayed that it would be your day and that you and your sister would not have to share the date. At this point it does not look like she is coming tomorrow, but a lot can change fast.
I have been functioning really well the last few months. I miss you so much, but life has gone on and soon we will have a new little one in our family. Welcoming your baby sister does not mean that we will love you any less or think of you any less, but life is going to change for us again. Oh how I wish you were here with us celebrating your first birthday. But if you were here with us, then I would not be pregnant with your baby sister. I know that God had a plan for your short life and I also know He has a plan for your baby sister, who will be joining or family soon.

I have been thinking about you a lot today and how much you changed my life and our family's life in your short 23 weeks 3 days and 10 hours of life. I am so thankful to be your mommy. I can't wait until I get to see you again in Heaven.

I love you forever and always,
Mommy

Tomorrow is Emily Faith's 1st birthday. Life has been so busy and crazy lately and I have been so focused on my current pregnancy and getting us all moved in before little Neptune is born that I have not spent much time thinking about how we would commemorate Emily's birthday and death. I was even at the point where I was not sure I wanted to do anything. But tonight it has hit me hard. It was a year ago that I was in the hospital and we were making a final decision about her name. A year ago was a rough night for me, I had contractions all night and the next morning it became obvious that I would be delivering that day, January 26th.

Up until a few days ago I had really thought that I would have a brand new baby at home by now. I never thought that I would make it this far in a pregnancy. I am so excited that I have, but at the same time I really wish I was holding this baby, and that there was not the chance that this little one could be born tomorrow. I had it all planned out, but I know God has other plans, and while His plans don't always fit with mine...His are perfect. I know this little girl will come at the perfect time for her.

I have decided that we will keep tomorrow simple. Maddie and I are going to make cupcakes with pink frosting and then when my husband gets home from work tomorrow night we will release three pink balloons for Emily. The rest of the day I plan to keep as normal a schedule as I can. I think it is what is best for our whole family.

I am not sure what to expect from tomorrow, but I know that it is probably going to be a bit of a difficult day.

32 Weeks and Random Musings

I can't believe it has been almost two months since I last posted. It is also so hard for me to believe that in just 10 days it will be 11 months since we lost Emily. It has almost been a year. Where has the time gone? This has sure been a year of ups and downs.

The good news is that I am still pregnant. I have now made it to 32 weeks with no complications. When this whole pregnancy began it seemed like forever until we would get to welcome a new life into our family and now here I am just 8 short weeks away from my due date. While I have a lot less worry than I did in the beginning of this pregnancy, I still feel on edge about when our little girl is going to make an appearance. If she is born when her oldest sister was, I only have 3.5 weeks left.

A few weeks ago I was in the baby's room working on getting things organized and I realized that this is the first baby I have really been able to prepare for. It actually feel kind of strange. With our first, Maddie, we did not find out the gender so getting things ready looked a lot different. We bought a crib and a dresser and had both set up, but we had not had a baby shower yet when Maddie made her appearance and so we really were not ready...

When I was pregnant with Emily we found out at 21 weeks we were having a girl and then two weeks later she was born. That did not really give us anytime to even begin to get ready for her arrival. We had created a registry and I had bought a few clothing items, but that was it. A few months after we lost Emily I finally packed up the few things we had bought for her.

With this pregnancy I have been sewing and organizing and washing since we found out we were having another girl. My life was really made easy this time since most of Maddie's clothes will work for this baby since they will both have been born in the same season. I have moments of "what if she comes out a he", because the ultrasound technician was wrong. But those are not very often, but it has crossed my mind. I would love a boy just as much, it would just cause me a moment or two of "what are we going to do?" But we would just take it in stride.

24 Weeks

I MADE IT TO 24 WEEKS!!!!!! I know this is a day late, but I think better late than never. It has been in the last week or so that I have started to believe that this pregnancy is not going to be like my last pregnancy. Now every day is one more day of "baking" for our little one and each extra day increased the chance of her surviving if she is born early.

My next goal is to get to 36 weeks. Which would be when I delivered Maddie. I am okay with going to 40 weeks, but if I am totally honest, I pray that I don't go a day over 40 weeks. I want to hold this little girl in my arms as soon as I can, and in my mind the soonest I should be holding her is February 10, 2012. If she comes a bit sooner that is fine by me, I am just praying that it is not too soon.

I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday. It went great. I currently have only gained 6lbs. I am pleased with this number, it means I am averaging a pound a month, which is not bad at all. Her heart beat was nice and strong. And Dr. P surprised me by saying he wanted to check my cervix again, since it had been a awhile since it had been checked. I am still measuring 4+cm (anything over 3cm is fantastic at this point in the pregnancy).

Up to this point I have called our baby peanut or little one, mostly because I was not sold on the nickname my husband has been using for our baby girl. But I have found myself calling her by his nickname more and more. At our first ultrasound, when I was pregnant with Maddie, Ron dubbed our growing baby "Iggy." Not sure where that came from but it stuck and since we did not find out the gender of Maddie until she was born that is what we called her until she was delivered and was named her.
I honestly don't remember what Emily was dubbed during the pregnancy and I am really saddened by that fact. I don't know if Ron never gave her a "name" or if I just don't remember what it was.
From the very beginning of this pregnancy Ron has been calling our growing child "Neptune." Just like with "Iggy" I have no idea where it came from, but "Neptune" it is. Even Maddie has started calling the baby "Neptune."

We have decided that just like with our other two girls that we will not name her until she is born. We have talked about names, but nothing is set in stone until we meet our little girl. So until then she will be Neptune.

Half Way There

Friday marked the 20 week mark. We also had our anatomy scan ultrasound. From what I could see on the ultrasound every thing looks good. The baby is measuring right on for the dates that we already have set. We will see the doctor on Thursday to confirm that everything looks good from the ultrasound.

We also confirmed what my husband and I have felt a long. We are having a GIRL. We are so excited to have another little girl in the family. Now to pick out a name. my husband and I have been talking in the evening about names, but we have nothing pinned down yet. Plus we have waited to name our other two until after they were born. We have an idea of names, but we want to meet our baby before we give her a name. So in the mean time my husband has decided our little one will be called Neptune. I have not explanation for this name, just one day he started calling the baby this, and it has stuck. Even Maddie is calling the baby "baby Neptune." It is really cute.

I am so happy to finally be half way through this pregnancy, I want to meet our little girl so much. I am enjoying each day that I am pregnant and now being able to feel our little one moving is helping keep me calm. But I think that these next four weeks are going to be a bit hard. It was the week following our anatomy scan with Emily that everything started to fall apart; all those early morning trips to the ER and the multiple hospital admissions. I am so thankful that it is not the same time of year, but I will feel much better once we get past 24 weeks. I know that there are no guarantees after 24 weeks but our little one's chances of survival increases every week after 24 weeks and that will bring me some comfort.

I am really going to try and write more in the future. I feel bad that I have been neglecting this blog lately, but I have just not felt much like writing and it seems like if I go one day without writing it is so much easier to go another day and then another one. On another blog I follow the author actually addressed this issue of it being hard to get back into writing once you take a day off, so that is why she writes every day, because if she didn't then there would always be an excuse for not writing the next day. So with that said, I am not promising to write each day, but I will try to write at least once a week and see if I can get back up to once a day.

Thoughts About My Blog

I have had so many emotions over the last week or so. I have been going back and forth about several things in regards to my blog. The major one is, do I want to continue writing about this pregnancy on this blog. When I first started this blog it was an outlet for my grief, then it became a way for me to share my life after Emily, this included Maddie. And it was at that point that I decided that this blog was about our family's journey after the loss of Emily and that this blog would include any future children that we might have.

This thought came up after a fellow BLM blogger just had her rainbow baby. This BLM had not shared about the pregnancy on her blog and it was only after the baby was born safely that she finally shared the news on her blog. She wrote about her pregnancy and shared it on her blog on a separate page after the baby was born. This actually got me to thinking...Would I have continued to read her blog if she was always talking about her pregnancy? I don't have an answer to that question. I am just not sure.

I know that after I announced my pregnancy on my blog I lost one follower. I was not surprised, in fact I actually thought I might lose more. I know a lot of BLM bloggers choose to start a new blog for their family and rainbow baby. Now that I am pregnant reading about their pregnancies is helpful to me to see what they went through emotionally during the pregnancy and how they handled a pregnancy after a loss.

Writing has been such a healing process for me. It has helped me that I have had an audience to write to, though most of this is for me. I have struggled with saying the wrong thing knowing people read what I write and come to the point where it ultimately is for me and if someone does not like it they can just stop reading. This is not to be harsh or mean, but this is me, my thoughts and feeling. I am fine with anyone reading them, but it is my opinion and is never directed at anyone.

Writing today has actually helped me process. And I have talked to several people about my thoughts about continuing to write about the pregnancy on this blog. One person I talked to suggested that I needed to share my process for deciding, especially for someone who has just lost a baby and has started reading my blog.

I want this blog to be a documentation of everything that has happened and everything that we as a family will go through as a result of losing Emily. With that said, I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on my blog. And when the baby is born I will also write about our little peanut.

Stress and Other Stuff

I can't believe it has already been a week since I last posted. There have been several times this week I have thought about writing a post, but my time on the computer has been very limited this week. This has been one of those weeks, an emotional roller coaster. I have not had such a rough week in a long time.

If you remember from my previous post I have been a bit on edge about my next appointment and it having been almost four weeks since I have seen our little peanut. I almost caved and called the doctor several times this week to be seen just to hear the heart beat, but I have almost made it. My appointment will be on Tuesday. But this was only the tip of the iceberg for the week.

Our house has been invaded by ants. In fact to the point where I am ready to move out and let them take over. I am so tired of fighting with them. We have had problems from time to time with ants, but this weeks has been the WORST.

On Monday I came home from running errands and our couch was swarming with ants. I spent the next 6 hours trying everything I could to get the ants to die and clean them up. And all I wanted to do was take a nap. Well I got no nap that day, or the next for that matter. The good news? I ended up finding my Tiffany and Co. bracelet that I lost three years ago. I thought I had lost it at work and it turned out it had fallen inside the couch. Our couch is also now ant free, well mostly, and super clean. We rented a carpet cleaner and cleaned the couch.

Then on Wednesday morning I came down to the kitchen to find the swarm of ants had moved and was now taking over the kitchen. I have been dealing with that for the last several days. I have cleaned every cabinet and drawer and they still will not leave completely. But it is more under control.

The ant problems just magnified everything else I was feeling and I spent several hours over the last week crying. It was a rough week, but I just keep thinking tomorrow is a new day and the start of a new week, and I finally get to hear our little peanut's heartbeat. While I have seen the heart beating at the last two appointments this will be the first time I will get to hear that tiny heart beating. I am so excited.

Despite the rough week there were a few good points: having a wonderful husband that can deal with my extreme mood swings and a daughter that reminds me of the most important things in life. Taking time out to just be with my family. In the midst of the madness of the ants she would say "cuddle me mommy." Having that reminder to take time for her no matter what I am doing was wonderful.

Eight Weeks (7/5/2011)

This is the third and final catch-up post. After this post, when I write about the pregnancy it will be actually happening. I know that the way I have posted has kind of thrown a few people off, but the confusion will stop after this post. I just really wanted a detailed account of the pregnancy and could not really do that if I did not include the first few weeks. I will post again in the next few days regarding how I am doing today and the past week or so.

8 weeks (7/5/2011)

We have been holding off announcing the pregnancy mostly because of fear of what could happen and then having to go and tell everyone that we lost another baby. There is no guarantee, at any stage in the pregnancy that everything is going to be fine. I am at a point right now where I need to write about how I feel and I really want to share it with everyone who has been such a support to me since we lost Emily.

I still have to talk to my husband, but I am ready to announce this pregnancy. I have decided if my husband is okay with it, to announce on my blog that I am pregnant after our next appointment; which will be next Tuesday, July 12^th. Since I was measuring a bit behind at the last appointment I want to see and hear the heartbeat again and get a more accurate measurement and then I think I will feel better about sharing. The stats say that after you see a heartbeat there is only a 10% chance of miscarrying, so while we are not out of the woods, I will feel better.  I am also hoping that announcing the pregnancy will make it feel more real.

I know I am pregnant but part of me is still in denial. I recently read “Pregnancy after a Loss.” It is a really good book and helped me to think about things that I might not have thought about before. The author talked about in the book that if this pregnancy is soon after a loss it might seem like you have been pregnant forever. I totally understand that feeling. When we finally have this baby it will almost be like I have been pregnant for over a year. That is such a long time to be pregnant and not have a child in your arms.  I am so ready to have a baby in my arms.

There has been a lot of talk over the last few months about not holding a baby until you hold your rainbow baby. I am not sure if this is what I want to do, but so far I have not felt emotionally ready to hold anyone else’s baby. I may or may not be ready before our baby is born, but I am open to it if the chance arises.

Physically

I am still super tired. I have also had a cold for the last three days. It has knocked me down. I have spent most of the last few days on the couch sleeping in between taking care of Maddie. She has watched a lot of TV. She has enjoyed it and I have started to feel a bit better. I have had nausea on and off most days. The last day or so it has been better though. I am not very hungry in the morning and nothing ever sounds good. However, I make up for it in the afternoon when all I want to do is eat. I have a huge craving for tuna sandwiches and since I cannot have tuna every day I have also started eating canned chicken, which tastes the same to me. I do not eat it every day, but I sure could.

I also feel like I have already started to show a bit. I think I will show a lot soon with this one than with the other two. I think that is pretty normal for a subsequent pregnancy and one so soon after my last pregnancy

Emotionally

 This has been kind of a hard week or so. Maddie has been sick, so besides taking care of myself I have had to take care of her more so than usual. She ran a fever for 6 days before we finally took her to the doctor. It turns out she has an ear infection. This is her first ear infection and also the first time we have given her antibiotics. I think that is pretty good considering she is almost 2.5 years old. She is taking her meds like a champ.

I honestly think that as we get further into the pregnancy I might have some more emotional days and weeks, but right now I am doing fairly well. One reason I think that is, is because like I mentioned previously, I am still a bit emotionally detached from this pregnancy and the fact that I am actually pregnant again.

6 Weeks (6/23/2011)

I am trying to get caught up so that I can write in "real time," But I have been so tired lately that it is all I can do to get through each day and take care of Maddie, myself and the house (and pretty much in that order too.) I am starting to feel a bit better and my naps are getting shorter, so I am hopeful that I will be getting some of my energy back soon, but until then here is the 2nd part of what was going on before we announced this pregnancy.

6 weeks (6/23/2011)

Today is my first doctor’s appointment. It is also a month since Emily’s due date. I sure did not plan it that way. It was the only appointment available so soon. At my doctor’s office the appointments are booked months in advance, so the fact that I am even being seen as a new pregnant patient a day before 7 weeks is amazing. I need the reassurance that everything is going okay so far.

I have been a nervous wreck the last few days. I can’t really explain it though. I also have a peace and a hope that everything is going to be fine. Explain that, nervous wreck, peace and hope…can they really all be in one person at the same time. Well it is for me.

I did not sleep very well last night. I am nervous, excited, and so many other emotions that I am not even sure of.

I am not sure if I mentioned it or not, but we have decided to stay with the same doctor who treated me when I was pregnant with Emily, he also delivered Maddie. I do not blame him for anything that happened. The truth is that in that last week, it was not him, but always the on call doctor that treated me. I don’t blame them either, I just wish my symptoms would have been taken more seriously and I will be much more proactive this time and not just let the doctors brush me off as if it is no big deal. It may not be a big deal, but to me, this time IT IS A BIG DEAL, no matter what it is.

Physically

I am soooo TIRED. I tend to think back over the day in the evening and remember what I did and the last few days I have done almost nothing. I did not even make dinner last night, just warmed up left overs and I was still in bed at 9pm. The last three days I have been incredible nauseated most of the day. While I was super hungry last week, this week I am not really hungry, but when I finally eat I am starved and eat a lot. I have only gotten sick one morning. I was getting sick and Maddie is standing there like what is wrong mommy. She had this look on her face like she just did not understand. I kept telling her mommy is okay, I just have an upset tummy. She understood that, but was still worried.

Emotionally

Over all I would say emotionally I am doing okay. I mean for being 6 weeks pregnant and only three days until Emily’s 5 month anniversary. The last few days have been a bit emotional for me. Yesterday I was reading through Emily’s story. I am being spotlighted on another blog and I am sharing Emily’s story, but complete with all the details it is 10 pages long so I had to shorten it a bit (just take out some of the details). It is still 5 pages, but that is a bit better. I did not realize how much it would impact me. I have not cried much lately, but yesterday as I was reading it, tears started streaming down my face. It was good though, a healing kind of tears. I had actually forgotten a few things that had happened and I think those things will be helpful when talking to the doctor today.

Memories

Insomnia is one symptom that I have had with all three pregnancies. Usually it starts a bit later into the pregnancy, but still there were many nights when I was pregnant with Maddi and Emily that I would spend on the couch catching up on a show or two and eating in the middle of the night. I had not really expected to have to deal with the insomnia so soon, but here it is. And so I will make the most of it.

As I lay in bed trying to fall back asleep my mind began to drift back to the day that Emily was born and all the happened in those 10 hours of her life. Sometimes I am amazed at the details that still sneak into my thoughts, things that I had not thought about since that day. One of those details that I had forgot all about came back as I lay in bed this morning. I just felt like to needed to write it down, for fear of forgetting it again. That is one thing I love about this blog; it is a way to document those little memories and then I don't have to drive myself crazy remembering every detail. They are here to help me remember.

That little detail I was talking about was breast milk. Shortly after I was moved to my post-partum room, after Emily was born, a lactation consultant came down to talk to me. Even with the odds so low that Emily would survive everyone at the hospital treated us like she was going to survive and make sure that we were prepared to care for her. This included getting me to start pumping and producing milk for when Emily would need my breast milk. I pumped twice before Emily died that night.

In those first few days the body does not produce much milk. Initially colostrum is produced. They call it liquid gold, and the name really fits since it kind of looks like gold, AND it takes a lot of work to get just a little bit that it is really valued. Since the amount is so small I was given tiny syringes to collect those few drops of colostrum. I remember feeling so proud of those few milliliters that I was about to take down to the nursery when we went to visit Emily. That night, after Emily died those two syringes were left in the refrigerator. I wonder what happened to that little bit of liquid gold? I imagine that it was thrown away when everything was cleaned up, making that space ready for the next baby that would need the care of the NICU. Thinking about that makes me sad. I worked so hard to get those few drops and they were never used.

Then I began to think about that room. The room I was taken to after Emily was born. The room that was on another floor away from all things maternity and post-partum. I am so thankful for the foresight of the hospital staff to place me away from new mothers and crying babies. I was placed in room with two bed. I remember the first thing I asked the nurse was, "will I have to share this room?" She told me no and that they just did not have any rooms with single beds. The two beds ended up being a blessing, as my husband was able to stay in the room with me that night and was able to stretch out. Neither one of us got much sleep that night, but at least there was an option for him.

When we walked back into that room after Emily died that night there was one thing that effect my husband and one thing that effect me. For my husband it was seeing Emily Faith written on the white board in the room. I immediately erased it. Not to erase her from our lives, but because the pain was so intense that it hurt to look at her name in the moment. For me it was the breast pump and all the supplies. The nurse came in a few minutes after we got back and I asked her to please get everything out of the room. She was wonderful and got everything moved out while I was in the bathroom.

The next morning, really early, my doctor came into check on me. No one had told him that Emily had died and so it was put on me to tell him. That is one thing that I wish had been handled differently. He should have known, I should not have had to tell my doctor that my baby died. I also wish he had come to see my later, before I was discharged. I had so many questions, but when you are woken up from sleep often the brain is not working fully in that moment.

I do remember asking him what had caused Emily to be born so early and he gave me a simple answer, but I wish I could have asked more questions. Questions that I now know to ask, but had no idea that I needed to ask at the time. Maybe it is better that some of those questions went unanswered, but now with this new pregnancy and the thoughts that go through my head about it happening again, I wish we had more answers. But the truth remains that there are just not very many answers for why it happened.

I think the last question I asked my doctor was, "when can I leave?" I really did not want to stay in that hospital for any longer than I had to. I wanted to be home. To be surrounded by things that were familiar and to be able to care for our living child again. It has been almost two weeks since I had been able to actively care for Maddie and I wanted to be with her again. My doctor told me that he saw no reason why I could not leave that day if I wanted to. It seemed to take forever to get all the final paper work finished. We had to meet with a social worker about what we wanted to have done with Emily's body, and the nurse had a bunch of paper work and instructions for me. On the wall of my room there was a sign that said discharge was at 11am, so I figured I would not get to leave before that, and I was right. Just after 11am I was finally done with everything and allowed to leave the hospital. They even let me walk, no wheelchair, which I am grateful for. As we left the room, floor and finally the hospital I felt like crying, but held it together. I held it together until after lunch. After lunch we stopped at Toys 'R Us to get Maddie a special toy. She had been asking for a ball popper for several weeks. (We don't have a Toys 'R Us near us, so while we were in Seattle we decided to stop.) I was still holding it together, after all I wanted to be as normal as possible for Maddie since it had been a rough few weeks for her too.

As we were leaving the store I knew I needed to go to the bathroom so I walked back into the store alone to use the bathroom. The bathroom that was at the back of the store passed all the baby stuff. That was it, I lost it. I remember walking through Toys 'R Us with tears streaming down my face. I am sure people thought I was crazy, but I just could not stop the tears any more. I slept and cried most of the way home.

This next memory is a bit out of order, but it came to me after all the others, so I am keeping them in the order that I thought about them this morning. I remember being moved to Labor and Delivery on the day that Emily was born. As I think about it now I was probably in shock. No one plans to deliver their child at 23 weeks. I remember shaking and feeling cold; a warm blanket was placed on me to try and warm me up. When a women is in labor her senses are heightened. For me that is so true, especially my sense of smell. All though labor I kept smelling something, something like bad body odor, and in my crazy brain I was sure it was the blanket since I only started smelling it after the blanket was placed on me. I remember wanting to tell nurse to get me another blanket, one that did not smell, but I was so focused on the contractions that it just never came out. The smell drove me crazy. Well it turns out that it was not the blanket at all. Emily was born on Wednesday and my last shower had been Sunday, and I don't think in all those days I ever had deodorant, so that awful smell I had to endure all though labor was me.

I remember wanting a shower so bad. I think I asked every nurse who cared for me when I could take a shower. The desire to be with Emily in the NICU was stronger than the want for a shower, so the shower waited. I did not finally get to take a shower until the next morning just before I was discharged from the hospital. While it felt good to finally be clean, it was a painful reminder that I had just lost my baby. I stood in the shower and held my belly and cried.

While sometimes it hurts to remember, I am so glad for memories and that they are still coming back to me. I don't ever want to forget Emily.

Animals Mourn Too

Before Emily died I had never thought much about morning and grief in people and definitely not in animals. Then about a month ago I saw this article on another blog. It is about a gorilla who's baby died and how she displayed her grief. It is a touching and emotional story, so read with caution.

There is a bird nest, barn swallows I think, on our patio. It has been there for three years. Each year the birds come back. We had intended to take the nest down before they returned this year because they just make such a mess, but we did not get to it in time and before we knew it they were back. And once they had started nesting I could not take it down. Not knowing if the eggs were there yet. So we are dealing with the mess. The eggs hatched about two weeks ago or so, and from time to time we can see one or two of the babies popping up out of the nest.

We had thought there were only three baby birds but today I discovered that there were four in the nest. I was going to take Maddie outside to play in the backyard and to clean up the bird poop when I saw one of the baby birds on the ground just below the nest. My thought is that there were just too many birds in the nest and one got pushed out. So I got Maddie distracted inside the house and went outside with a paper towel and picked up the dead baby bird. It was really sad. I know it is only a bird and that is life, but we have been watching the nest for months, so I feel a bit attached.

Since this afternoon I have been watching the nest and the mommy bird. I started wondering if she even knew she had "lost" a baby. It is one of those strange questions that I am sure most people do not even contemplate, but today I did. I am sure the in the animal world death is just a part of everyday life, but does that really make it any easier.

An Update of Sorts

I feel like I have not been writing much lately, I think sometimes life gets in the way and the best of intentions seems to fall away as life moves on.

Life has been so crazy for us the last few weeks. My husband started a new job, and there has been a lot of adjustment since his work hours are a lot longer than we have been used to in the last several years. This adjustment has also included changing Maddie's bedtime, which has not been very successful. I have been trying to keep her up later so that she can spend time with daddy when he gets home from work. Our hope was that she would then sleep in a bit in the morning. Well the opposite happened, she now goes to bed at 9pm and gets up at 5am. So we are planning on changing her schedule back to early bed time. I sure hope it helps.

We have also started potty training. We have a good day and then a not so good day, but I have decided to take a casual approach on potty training so if she goes it is great and we celebrate, but if she has an accident we just change and move on with our day. She is not even 2 1/2 yet, so I think she is doing just fine. It also helps me to be more casual since I was just getting frustrated with all the accidents.

While life continues to move on and I have to move on with it, there are times that I wish time could freeze for just stay in the moment. As time moves on I get further away from Emily. It has now been 5 months since we said goodbye. It was late in the day on June 26th that I even slowed down enough to remember it was 5 months ago that we hello and goodbye to Emily. I have days like that now, that I am so busy going here and there and caring for a toddler, my husband, the house, and myself that I realize I have go through the whole day and not thought about Emily. And that really makes me sad. I don't ever want to forget her. I know I won't forget her, but as time goes on it is harder to remember sometimes.

Back From The Land Of...

I have had several comments that I have not been posting very regularly. In fact I even missed Wordless Wednesday this week.

I have a good reason, I promise...

I have been potty training Maddie. I HAD A PLAN, but as I have learned, with a child (especially a toddler) nothing ever goes as planned. My plan was to start potty training next week, after all the craziness of the beginning of June slowed down and we would be home a bit more. Well, Maddie decided last week, while my best friend was here, that she wanted to start going pee pee on the big girl potty. I knew that if I discouraged it things might not go well in a few weeks, so we started potty training last Thursday. We are not training how I had planned, but she is getting the concept. She has about four wet underwear a day, but as soon as she goes she comes and tells me, and she is asking to go several times a day.

I am exhausted, keeping up with her and the potty training and trying to keep up with household stuff is wearing me out.

Some days I don't have much time to be sad or thing about Emily. There are quiet moments when I will stop and think about our little girl and that we should be holding her in our arms now. I think one place I think about her most often is while driving in the car. I often find my mind wandering, thinking about the pregnancy and her birth and the few hours we had with her.

This weekend I will be walking in The Rock and Walk in Tacoma for The Tears Foundation. You can read my post here about The Tears Foundation and what the do for families who have recently lost a child. I am proud to be able to support this foundation.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of activities and new information, I am just reeling. I am hoping things slow down a bit in the next few weeks and we get some answers to some things that could make a big difference in our future.

I hope that I will be able to share some exciting news about our family's future in the next few weeks.

Wordless Wednesday ~ At the Park

No, we did not do an outfit change...It was two different days at the park.

A Celebration

Yesterday would have been Emily's due date. I wrote in detail about how I was feeling and what we tentatively had planned. But I wanted to share what we ended up doing and share a few pictures too.

Most of yesterday was a normal day...laundry, nap time, and a trip to the grocery store to get a few things items and pick up balloons. By the way I forgot the balloons on the trip to the store so I had to ask my wonderful husband to pick them up on his way home from work; which he did. And he brought me a surprise home as well. A bouquet of beautiful pink roses. I took some up close pictures too, so that you could see how pretty they are.

My husband initially purchased three balloons, but shortly after he got home one of them popped, so we had to go back to the store and get two more. She there are all four of the balloons. Three to release, and one for Maddie to keep.

We decided to go out to dinner so that I did not have to cook last night. We also invited one other family to join us, my dear friend Melissa, her husband and their two boys.

Checking out the drink menu...don't worry she did not get to order off that menu.

After dinner we all went back to our house and had carrot cake and then released the three balloons. Maddie drew a picture on one balloon and Ron and I each wrote a note to Emily.

It was windy and overcast, but it was still perfect. Watching the three balloons sail off into the sky and hearing Maddie say "here you go Emily" was the perfect end to yesterday.

Getting ready to release the balloons

There they go

Watching to balloons fly away

Waving to the balloons

Yesterday was a special time. I did not feel as awful as I thought I might. In fact I don't think I cried yesterday. But I am okay with that. This was a time to remember Emily and to celebrate the time that we had with her.

I have found it interesting that it is not the actual significant dates that are the hardest, but the ordinary days that I feel her loss the most, and cry the most.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prays yesterday, they made me feel very loved and cared for.

Just Another Day?

To most people May 23rd is just another day, this year it happens to be a Monday. For me May 23rd holds a lot of meaning.

Today marks my 100th post...It also marks my estimated due date with Emily Faith. I think it is interesting that my 100th post just happens to fall on my EDD of the child that started this all. If it had not been for the loss of Emily I never would have started this blog.

Blogging has been so helpful to me, it has opened a world to me that I never knew existed. I have met so many wonderful women in this journey. I have been blessed beyond words by the sharing and the caring of each women I have met. Those who have experienced a loss of an infant child understand the pain and the grief of those who have also lost an infant child.

I have been dreading this day for a long time. I have thought about how I would feel and what I would do. I had even initially planned to not do much in May, just so that I could be sad. But that is not what has happened. Life goes on, and I have been extremely busy. Not busy enough to forget or to not grieve, but busy enough to survive each day and take moments to be sad and miss Emily.

This morning when I woke up it was just like any other day.

The laundry still has to be done, and I still have to care for our 2 year old. So the day begins.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about a way to memorialize this day and the baby that we will never again hold in our arms. I have tossed around a lot of ideas. But in the end I decided that I wanted to release balloons.

Tonight, Ron, Maddie and I are going to each write a message on a pink balloon and release it. I have wanted to release balloons for awhile now, but I wanted it to be a day that would mean something. So this is the day.

A few weeks ago, my sister, who lives in CA, told me about what she has decided to do on this day. She along with several of her friends who have lost babies are going to do a balloon release in memory of Emily and all of the other babies that have died too soon.

I was so touched that she would consider doing something like this. I would have loved to have joined them, but the trip was just not possible at this time. So we will be there in spirit and we will have our own balloon release.

Since Emily was born and died I have seen so many wonderful things happen. I am been saddened by how much my family and friends have grieved as well, but I have seen such beauty and healing though the pain. I firmly believe that the 23 weeks, 2 days and 10 hours that Emily was alive were all that she needed to accomplish what the Lord had planned for her. And after she was done, He took her home to be with Him.

I am sad that I will never again hold our baby girl on earth, but I am excited for the day when we will be re-united and we will spend eternity together praising our wonderful Saviour.

In Memory of James Robert Veteto (Grandpa Jim)

My grandfather passed away today. Shortly after I finished the last post I heard the news of his death.

I am numb at the moment. I cried when I first found out, but I had to carry on with my day and so I have not had much time to process. I was not particularly close to my Grandpa Jim (as well always called him), but I remember spending holidays and birthdays with him. My little sister Amy was even born on his birthday.

One thing I remember about him, is that he gave us stock for Christmas. When I was young he would give us $20 on our birthday and $50 at Christmas, and then one Christmas he started giving us stock. Imagine the perplexed look on the face of a 9 or 10 year old when you receive a piece of paper for Christmas that is not money. We did still get the $20 on our birthday. I was not thankful for the stock at the time, but now as I am older I really do appreciate it. With the stock I was able to purchase my first car and I still have some of the stock today. He was helping us prepare for our future

I also remember that he used to love to collect stamps. When I was about 13 he gave all of his stamps to me. Over the years I have spent sometime looking at the stamps. I am actually not even sure where they are right now, probably in the garage. I don't think I ever really appreciate those either. But I am so glad that I have those to remember him by.

I had not intended to make this an "in memory" but it just seems fitting.

I have so many wonderful memories of my Grandpa Jim:

Root beer floats in glasses so big there was no way a child could finish it.

Candy...he always had candy on the table, much to the chagrin of my parents.

Pigeons - on several different occasions he raised and raced pigeons. I never went to a race with him, but he would often talk about the birds and the races.

He always had our favorite soda in the refrigerator. He knew what we drank and he always had it there for when we came to visit

Apricots and lemons - both of these tress grew behind his house and when they were in season we would go home with bags of each.

I remember his gardens. During my teen years he occupied his time with gardening. I sure wish I had learned more from him. He had a lot of knowledge to share

While I do not remember it, we lived with my grandparents for I think about a year when I was Maddie's age right now (2 years old). My mom has always told me that he was gone a lot working, but we still lived there. The same house that he lived in until he died.

Rosa Maria burritos - There was this little "hole in the wall" place about a mile from his house. Every time, unless it was a Monday, we went to see him, we would stop at this place. Even to this day, every time we go back to California we make sure to stop and get a burrito.

In the years since I have been an adult, when I have gone to visit we would stop and pick up burritos and take them to his house. Those last few visit were special. They were never very long, but spending time with him was good. And having the opportunity to introduce him to his great-grand daughter was wonderful.

I am sad that Maddie will never know her great-grand father. But I am glad that even though she will not remember, she got to meet him and that we have a few pictures of them together.

I remember out last visit with him, just about a year ago. We almost did not take the time to stop because it was such a crazy trip, but in the end we did end up stopping for lunch and taking him out to get a Rosa Maria burrito. I have no idea what we talked about, but I do remember even then that his health was failing.

His death was not a surprise. I think we all knew that it was going to happen soon. But even when death is expected, it does not make it any easier.

I am sad tonight. I pray that he found Jesus in those final days of his life. I pray that he is in heaven and we will see him again one day. But the truth is I am not sure. Over the years I remember my parents talking to him about Jesus and God, but I also remember telling them that he was not interested in hearing anything. Maybe some of what they shared with him over the years got a hold of his heart.

I am going to end this post with a few pictures. I have very few pictures of Grandpa Jim, but the ones I do have are with him holding Maddie. I am so glad that I have these pictures. Maddie met her great-grandpa for the first time when she was 4 months old. The second and last time she saw her great-grandpa was when she was 17 months old. She really did not want to take the picture, but we did get it finally, even if it was with her binky in her mouth.

The last picture I have with Grandpa Jim

We love you...You will be missed.

Random-ness

I am not even sure where to start this post. I really have not felt much like writing lately. I want to write, but every time I try to write I get distracted or just cannot find the words.

I have been so busy the last week or so that I have not had time to really be sad. I get up in the morning and take care of Maddie, I clean what needs to be cleaned, and then I have several paid sewing jobs that I am currently working on. All of this keeps me busy and I am worn out by the end of the evening. I sit and watch TV for a bit and usually fall asleep on the couch and then I head up to bed. All of this leaves me very little time to stop and focus on my grief lately.

It actually occurred to me the other day that I seem to be "back to normal." I know I am not really back to normal, just going about my day the way I used to. Like nothing ever happened. In some ways I hate feeling this way. I sometimes wish time would stop. I don't know what I would do if it did stop...

As May 23rd (my EDD with Emily) gets closer I have begun to wonder how I will feel on that day, if I should have anything planned, and if I do plan something, what should it be. I am open to suggestions on how to approach this day.

I am sitting right now watching Toy Story 2 with my daughter for the thousandth time this month., besides the fact that I am soooooo over Toy Story she makes me smile. It is her favorite movie right now. It is so cute to watch her. Even though my life feels like it is falling apart at time I am so glad that she is in my life and just watching her brightens my day.

Sorry about the randomness of this post. I have so much that I would like to share, but I am still trying to find the words to write those things down. I will try to share in the next week or so.