One Year Ago

Dear Emily,
It has been a long time since I wrote you a letter. But tonight a letter seems the most appropriate way to express how I feel. I am just 16 days away from my due date with your baby sister. That's right you are going to be a big sister. I have wondered since I got pregnant with you sister if I would deliver her on your birthday. I have prayed that it would be your day and that you and your sister would not have to share the date. At this point it does not look like she is coming tomorrow, but a lot can change fast.
I have been functioning really well the last few months. I miss you so much, but life has gone on and soon we will have a new little one in our family. Welcoming your baby sister does not mean that we will love you any less or think of you any less, but life is going to change for us again. Oh how I wish you were here with us celebrating your first birthday. But if you were here with us, then I would not be pregnant with your baby sister. I know that God had a plan for your short life and I also know He has a plan for your baby sister, who will be joining or family soon.

I have been thinking about you a lot today and how much you changed my life and our family's life in your short 23 weeks 3 days and 10 hours of life. I am so thankful to be your mommy. I can't wait until I get to see you again in Heaven.

I love you forever and always,
Mommy

Tomorrow is Emily Faith's 1st birthday. Life has been so busy and crazy lately and I have been so focused on my current pregnancy and getting us all moved in before little Neptune is born that I have not spent much time thinking about how we would commemorate Emily's birthday and death. I was even at the point where I was not sure I wanted to do anything. But tonight it has hit me hard. It was a year ago that I was in the hospital and we were making a final decision about her name. A year ago was a rough night for me, I had contractions all night and the next morning it became obvious that I would be delivering that day, January 26th.

Up until a few days ago I had really thought that I would have a brand new baby at home by now. I never thought that I would make it this far in a pregnancy. I am so excited that I have, but at the same time I really wish I was holding this baby, and that there was not the chance that this little one could be born tomorrow. I had it all planned out, but I know God has other plans, and while His plans don't always fit with mine...His are perfect. I know this little girl will come at the perfect time for her.

I have decided that we will keep tomorrow simple. Maddie and I are going to make cupcakes with pink frosting and then when my husband gets home from work tomorrow night we will release three pink balloons for Emily. The rest of the day I plan to keep as normal a schedule as I can. I think it is what is best for our whole family.

I am not sure what to expect from tomorrow, but I know that it is probably going to be a bit of a difficult day.

A Move & Full Term

I think that if you asked most people they would say that a women in her third trimester who decides to move is crazy. Well I am that crazy women. But it came down to moving a month after the baby is born or just before and we decided that the least crazy option was to move before her arrival. I am thankful though that it was not a long distance move. We only moved about 5 miles, but even a move that small requires work (packing, move everything, and then unpacking). It is like nesting to the extreme.

I have been surprised at how much energy I have actually had the last week, that's right we started moving just about a week ago, when I was 36 weeks pregnant. We (when I say we I mean my husband and some of his friends, I was very good to only life light items) moved all of our large furniture on Sunday and that was also our first official night sleeping in our new place. Since Sunday I have been working like a mad women trying to get everything unpacked, since I know it is only a matter of days or weeks until our little girl decides to join our family.

And as the title suggests, today I am considered FULL TERM. I never thought I would get to say that. Now our little girl can come anytime. We are moved in, almost completely unpacked and I reached a milestone in pregnancy that I never thought I would.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive during this pregnancy. I am so excited for this year 2012. As a friend of mine said to me last night "hopefully this will be a year of healing and happiness." There are so many baby loss moms who are expecting their rainbow baby or babies, it is so exciting.   

More Pregnant Than I Ever Have Been

Last Wednesday I was finally more pregnant than I ever have been. It is so strange to me to be this pregnant. I am entering a whole new territory. I guess all along I just assumed that I could not carry a baby to full term. Now I am starting to think that maybe my body can do it. On Friday I will be 37 weeks and considered full term.
There are moments when I will stop and think I have not felt the baby move in awhile and then worry. I think it is natural to worry a bit, even though I wish I wouldn't. Usually if I eat or drink something and lay down for a few minutes she starts to move and I feel much better.
One of my hopes for this pregnancy was to be huge and miserable. Well, I feel huge. I am not really miserable, just uncomfortable. But I am not complaining. I am so thankful for this little life growing inside me and for every moment that I am pregnant.

In just 10 days it will be one year since Emily was born and then died. It is so strange to me that it has already been a whole year. So much has happened in the last year. Life has changed so much. I miss my little girl so much, but know that her sister would not be about ready to make her appearance if we had not lost Emily.

I have been thinking a lot about how I want to celebrate Emily's life and remember her. But I am just not sure what I want to do. I have thought about making pink cupcakes and having a private family time and also doing a balloon release. Then I think about the fact that I will be almost 38 weeks pregnant and could even possible be in the hospital on January 26th (Emily's Birthday).

I think I have come to the conclusion that I will have things ready to celebrate on January 26th and then see where I am on that day.

9 Months

Our baby girl would have been 9 months old today, if she had lived. 9 months have passed, and in 3 short months will be one year. It is hard to believe that we have made it though 9 months. I know that in the beginning I never imagined that life would go on and that my grief has gotten easy to live with. It is like everyone told me in time it is easier. Time or the addition of another child to our family will not change the fact that we lost a child. I will always miss Emily. She is and will always be my 2nd child.

In the past 9 months I have seen grief sneak in at the oddest times. Times when I think I am doing great and do not expect to be bombarded with extreme sadness. The other night I was laying in bed and began to think about a dear friend, Sue, who died a few months after Emily. Her death was very unexpected. Sue had been to visit me at the hospital before Emily was born and that was the last time I got to see her. I spoke with her twice more before she died. I remember what an encouragement she was to me that afternoon in the hospital. The other night as I was thinking about her and missing her I got this image of her holding Emily in heaven. It was such a wonderful image and I am glad that she is in heaven with Emily.

I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with Emily and that I will forever be her mommy.

I love you baby girl.

In One Week

I look at the date of my last post and feel guilty that I have not written in so long. It has been 15 days since I have written. I used to write every day, sometimes more than once in a day. The last time I wrote I had all these ideas for posts, but I did not follow through and now the ideas are gone.

One week from today I will be as far along with this pregnancy as I was when I delivered Emily (23 weeks 3 days). Then it will be only 4 more days until I am 24 weeks pregnant. I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about the upcoming week, but it is there in the back of my mind trying to creep in during those quite not so busy moments. This pregnancy is progressing wonderfully. I have had one tiny scare just over a week ago. I thought I saw some spotting first thing in the morning. But then there was nothing the rest of the day and has been nothing since. So I wonder if I imagined it...

I feel our little girl moving a lot these days. This is such a different experience for me to feel so much so early. With our first two pregnancies I had an anterior placenta and so the baby's movements were often blocked from me feeling them in the front. In fact I was at least 22 weeks pregnant the first two times before I felt consistent movement. This time it has been confirmed that I have a posterior placenta, and because of this I have been able to feel our little one moving since around 15 weeks. It is such a comfort to feel her moving.

Each day with this little life inside is a gift and I am enjoying each day.

A Final Memorial for Emily

Last week I received a letter from the hospital where we delivered Emily. The letter was informing us of when the infant memorial service is going to be held. After Emily died my husband and I had to decide what to do with Emily's body. There were several different options provided to us, but ultimately we decided to let the hospital cremate her body and then bury her ashed along with the other infant who had died the previous year. There were many reasons for the decision that we made, and even to this day I am still comfortable with the choice that we made.

The memorial service will be held on September 15 at Evergreen-Washelli Cemetery in Seattle, Washington.

We plan to make the drive as a family and attend the memorial service. We are taking Maddie with us. I feel like it is very important to include her in this. I don't think there has been a time that I ever considered not attending. I know that we have already said good-bye to Emily and we had the closure that we needed, but at the same time I want to go through this final act of saying good-bye.

As I am writing this, I am thinking about how hard this service might actually be for me. Since we did not have any kind of memorial for Emily after she died this is the final closure. But attending this memorial, almost 19 weeks pregnant is something that just hit me. If we had not lost Emily, we would not be expecting this new baby. This new life would not have been possible if we had Emily in our arms today.  

6 Months

Can it really have been half a year since we lost our sweet Emily Faith? It does not seem possible that so much time has passed. In six months it will have been one year. July 26th came and went without much thought about the day, in fact it was not until the next morning that I remembered that yesterday had been Emily's six month anniversary. When I remembered I got really sad that I had let the day go by and not really spend time thinking about six months ago. I shared this with my infant loss support group that night (July 27th). The facilitator of the group said she understood why it made me sad that I did not remember, but she also said it is a sign that I am healing. I will never forget Emily, but I have to go on living for our other children.

It has taken me a while to write this post because I was still processing how I felt about not remembering on the day. Last night I actually cried for the first time in several weeks. Part of it is hormones, but the other part is a sadness that I am moving on. Life keeps going and sometimes gets so crazy that important things get forgotten for a moment. I know that I will never forget Emily or the 26th of any month, but I feel really good about where I am; I am processing in my grief.

I know that there are going to be many set backs in the months and years to come, but today I am doing well. I can now talk about Emily to people and not cry every time I say her name. I am also more comfortable saying that I lost a child. It actually amazed me how easy it was the other day to share with a group of ladies that I lost an infant child 6 months ago. I did not go into detail, but just being able to share without caring what other people thought was a huge thing for me. Emily is my child and when I share about my children she is included.

A Celebration

Yesterday would have been Emily's due date. I wrote in detail about how I was feeling and what we tentatively had planned. But I wanted to share what we ended up doing and share a few pictures too.

Most of yesterday was a normal day...laundry, nap time, and a trip to the grocery store to get a few things items and pick up balloons. By the way I forgot the balloons on the trip to the store so I had to ask my wonderful husband to pick them up on his way home from work; which he did. And he brought me a surprise home as well. A bouquet of beautiful pink roses. I took some up close pictures too, so that you could see how pretty they are.

My husband initially purchased three balloons, but shortly after he got home one of them popped, so we had to go back to the store and get two more. She there are all four of the balloons. Three to release, and one for Maddie to keep.

We decided to go out to dinner so that I did not have to cook last night. We also invited one other family to join us, my dear friend Melissa, her husband and their two boys.

Checking out the drink menu...don't worry she did not get to order off that menu.

After dinner we all went back to our house and had carrot cake and then released the three balloons. Maddie drew a picture on one balloon and Ron and I each wrote a note to Emily.

It was windy and overcast, but it was still perfect. Watching the three balloons sail off into the sky and hearing Maddie say "here you go Emily" was the perfect end to yesterday.

Getting ready to release the balloons

There they go

Watching to balloons fly away

Waving to the balloons

Yesterday was a special time. I did not feel as awful as I thought I might. In fact I don't think I cried yesterday. But I am okay with that. This was a time to remember Emily and to celebrate the time that we had with her.

I have found it interesting that it is not the actual significant dates that are the hardest, but the ordinary days that I feel her loss the most, and cry the most.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prays yesterday, they made me feel very loved and cared for.

Just Another Day?

To most people May 23rd is just another day, this year it happens to be a Monday. For me May 23rd holds a lot of meaning.

Today marks my 100th post...It also marks my estimated due date with Emily Faith. I think it is interesting that my 100th post just happens to fall on my EDD of the child that started this all. If it had not been for the loss of Emily I never would have started this blog.

Blogging has been so helpful to me, it has opened a world to me that I never knew existed. I have met so many wonderful women in this journey. I have been blessed beyond words by the sharing and the caring of each women I have met. Those who have experienced a loss of an infant child understand the pain and the grief of those who have also lost an infant child.

I have been dreading this day for a long time. I have thought about how I would feel and what I would do. I had even initially planned to not do much in May, just so that I could be sad. But that is not what has happened. Life goes on, and I have been extremely busy. Not busy enough to forget or to not grieve, but busy enough to survive each day and take moments to be sad and miss Emily.

This morning when I woke up it was just like any other day.

The laundry still has to be done, and I still have to care for our 2 year old. So the day begins.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about a way to memorialize this day and the baby that we will never again hold in our arms. I have tossed around a lot of ideas. But in the end I decided that I wanted to release balloons.

Tonight, Ron, Maddie and I are going to each write a message on a pink balloon and release it. I have wanted to release balloons for awhile now, but I wanted it to be a day that would mean something. So this is the day.

A few weeks ago, my sister, who lives in CA, told me about what she has decided to do on this day. She along with several of her friends who have lost babies are going to do a balloon release in memory of Emily and all of the other babies that have died too soon.

I was so touched that she would consider doing something like this. I would have loved to have joined them, but the trip was just not possible at this time. So we will be there in spirit and we will have our own balloon release.

Since Emily was born and died I have seen so many wonderful things happen. I am been saddened by how much my family and friends have grieved as well, but I have seen such beauty and healing though the pain. I firmly believe that the 23 weeks, 2 days and 10 hours that Emily was alive were all that she needed to accomplish what the Lord had planned for her. And after she was done, He took her home to be with Him.

I am sad that I will never again hold our baby girl on earth, but I am excited for the day when we will be re-united and we will spend eternity together praising our wonderful Saviour.

Ramblings About My Week

This morning at MOPS I met my friend's baby girl for the first time. We were pregnant together and she was due exactly two months before me. He baby is beautiful and so precious. I cried, but she was wonderful about the whole thing. I did not hold the baby, but at least I have gotten past the first meeting. Now hopefully we can get back to play dates for Maddie and her daughter (though sometimes I wonder why, since two year old girls seem to fight over every single toy.)

My husband also left tonight for almost a week. A good friend of his, father died last last week and my husband is going to go to the funeral. But we figured since he was going to make the flight that he should also see his dad and a few other friends before he came home. Then the funeral date got change and so we had to make some changes in his travels. Basically it means that he will be gone two days longer than we had originally planned.

I am wondering how I am going to handle being alone for almost a week. I am sure I will make it, but tonight I am sad and already missing him and he only just left.

Tomorrow I am taking Maddie in to see the Optometrist. We have noticed about two months ago that her eyes are not always looking in the same direction at the same time, so we decided to have it checked out. But it took nearly a month to get her seen by her pediatrician and then almost a month to get an appointment with the Optometrist. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow. I know how Maddie is with new people, and especially new people who want to examine her in any way. So tomorrow should be an adventure.

I am crying less lately, but crying at odd times. I am getting closer to my EDD with Emily and that has been making me think a lot too...

I just looked at the date and realized that it was three months ago today that Emily was born and died. I am actually sad that I did not think about it sooner. But I guess my mom did. She remembered. She gave me tulips today and said these are for Emily. It makes sense now. How could I do that? Forget the three month mark? I think about her everyday. But sometimes the days get so busy with "normal" things that I don't stop and think about Emily until the evening. She is always in my mind, but to actually stop and think sometimes takes all day.

It was at this point in my pregnancy with Maddie that my water broke. Such strange thoughts going through my head now. This is the point in my pregnancy where I had planned to be done getting ready for our 2nd child. My plan had been from the beginning to be ready by 35 weeks, so that in case the baby came early we would be ready.

This is sure not the direction I had intended when I started writing tonight. I was just going to write a quick update and look where I went.

Those are my ramblings for tonight. Sorry for all the directions I took. I guess some days are just like that.

7 Weeks

It has been 7 weeks since we said goodbye to our precious Emily. That means in one week it will have been two months. Sometime I think about her and think, "it feels like it just happened yesterday," but most of the time it feels like it all happened so long ago. It cannot explain it, but I just often have this feeling like years have passed, like I have been in a bad dream for a really long time.

I try to make sense of my emotions. I am asked if I am okay, and I usually answer in the positive. I think sometimes this is because it is the only answer I have since I am not even sure how to answer. Most days I am okay. Today I was fine, but I was also really moody. It was just an off day for me. Not even sure why.

Well Happy St. Patrick's Day anyway. I did not wear green today, and some how escaped getting pinched. I also did not eat cabbage, drink beer, eat anything green (other than salad), or eat anything Irish. I am okay with this and I hope that everyone is also. I think maybe when Maddie is older we will do green milk, and maybe even green eggs and ham for a meal, but not this year. It was just another day to me this year.

I hope it was wonderful for you, however you celebrated or did not celebrate today. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a much more inspired post. Night!

Test Results

When I went in for my 4 week check-up after Emily was born I asked the doctor if he would run a few blood tests to determine if I had any medical reason (i.e. blood clotting disorders) why I had the placental abruption. I got the test results back last week. In most cases it is good to get the results in the mail and not receive a call from the doctor himself. In my case I kind of wish I had received a call. Because I received the test results in the mail, it basically meant that there was nothing wrong with me.

It comes down to the fact that there was no medical reason for why I had a placental abruption. This should be a good thing, right? It really is a good thing, but I sometimes wish there was a medical reason why this happened. Then there would be a way to treat me if I am every to get pregnant again.

On the flip side, the fact that there is indeed nothing medically wrong with me means that my chances are probably even less of a placental abruption happening again. This is a good thing.

The doctor has assured me that if I am to get pregnant again I would be monitored more closely and I would be considered high risk. This is wonderful but I am still scared of what could happen if I were to get pregnant again.

I know that my life is in the Lord's hands and he already knows what the future is for me as well as for our family. So I am going to trust Him and try not to worry about what tomorrow (and the rest of my life) holds.

Crazy Brain

I am not superstitious and have never put much thought into dates and numbers. However, the other night I was feeling particularly sad and missing Emily and let my thoughts go wild and started to think about dates and numbers. These are some crazy correlations, but this just goes to show you how crazy a grieving woman's brain can be.

• Ron and I were married on the 23rd of February
• Emily was due on the 23rd of May
• I was only pregnant 23 weeks
• Emily was due three months from the 23rd
• Ron and I are celebrating our 3rd anniversary on the 23rd

I know that these are crazy correlations, and there are correlations in anything if we look hard enough. These are just the crazy musings of a grieving, hormonal woman. I don't actually put any validity behind these crazy correlations. This is just one of those posts that really does not make any sense, but just gives you a look into my crazy brain.

One Month

I thought I would feel different today. I thought I would focus on Emily more or be more sad, but today has been like many of my other days in the past month. It is strange to me that so far my worst days have not been a day I would consider significant.

My worst days have been just random, ordinary days. Today also happens to be mine and Ron's three year anniversary. I had initially thought that I did not want to celebrate today. We had talked about it and decided to go out on Saturday instead, but then this afternoon we were talking and decided that we should go out to dinner, just the two of us TONIGHT.

I think that in the midst of our sadness and grief it is still important for us to make sure we are focusing on our marriage, and February 23rd was the day that we started that marriage. I am kind of excited to go out tonight. It is not very often that Ron and I get to go out by ourselves and have a nice dinner. We are going to one of our favorite restaurants, Thia food, yum!