Rain

I was reading a dear friend's blog this afternoon and she was talking about rain and that rain brings rainbows. It got me to thinking that the rain from the sky and the "rain" (tears) from our eyes.

• Tears are healing. I think in the midst of our tears we don't think that there is healing, but we are healed through our tears.
• Rain makes things new. Sometimes rain destroys things, but once the rain has subsided, new life regrows, and people rebuild.

There is something comforting thinking about what comes after the rain: rainbows, regrowth, healing, life.

I am glad for the thought of the comfort of what comes after the rain and the tears, but right now my heart is broken and I am sad. I never thought that I could hurt so much. Having to see a child die is a pain that is not even comprehensible, it is not even close to anything that I have ever experienced before.

As I am writing this and listening to praise music I had this thought. It was like the Lord was saying to me "I watched My child die, and I could have done something about it, but I knew it was for a greater good. It was to save the world. I understand your pain. I cry with you. Come to me and I will comfort you."

I do wrestle with the fact the Lord could have allowed Emily to live. He could have kept me pregnant longer, He could have healed my body. He could have intervened and done a lot of things. But that was not in His plan. I wish I knew what His plan was, but  since I don't I can take heart in these verses.

Proverbs 3:5-8
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

My life right now is full of rain and tears, and sometimes I wonder how I am going to make it to the next hour, let alone the next day; but I have God's promise that He loves me and holds me in His arms.

I am emotionally drained after writing this post. I am going to end this with a song that I was just introduced to. This is where I am today.

Our First Sunday Back

We went back to church today. It is the first time we have been to church since Emily died. The last time I was at church on a Sunday I was still pregnant. The morning, before we left for church, was very difficult. I kept thinking it would be easier to stay home and maybe all the issues we were having would just go away. But I also knew that one reason for all the issues this morning was that we needed to be at church and evil one was doing what he could to distract us from what we really need to do.

We made it to church. Just guess what the service was on today? DEATH!

Yes, you read right, it was on death. Ron and I both looked at each other and considered leaving right then. I mean, our first Sunday back to church and they have to cover the one thing that has been keeping up from church up to this point. We decided to stay. One thing that kept going through my mind was, this is no accident that we are at church on this Sunday, of all Sundays. We were meant to be at this church service on February 27th.

The title of the sermon was "Jesus is Bigger than Death." The passage was Mark 5:21-43.

One thing that really struck me during the sermon was that even though Jesus brought people back from the dead, they did still die again later in life. Our life on earth is fleeting, we have the hope that our life in Heaven is Eternal.

"Death will come but we needn't be afraid of it because Jesus is bigger. There's a day coming when: "Death itself will be swallowed up in victory!" 1 Corinthians 15:54" - Pastor Joshua

At the end of the service we were encouraged to connect the sermon to our life:

• Do we really believe that Jesus is bigger than death?
• Reflect on the lives of one or two loved ones who have died in the Lord
• Proclaim the truth that Jesus is bigger than the death of a loved one.

I cried through most of the service, but I also left with a hope in my heart. I do not miss Emily any less and I am not any less sad. But I have the promise of the Lord that she will rise again, and I will see her again one day. This is the hope that we have. We do not understand why she was taken from us so soon, but He will be our comfort in our time of grief.

Dearest Friends and Family

I have been thinking about posting this letter for awhile now. I wrote this letter early the morning after Emily died. I have been told many times over the last few weeks how much this letter has touched people. I truly believe that the Lord gave me the words to write the letter. If it was not the Lord, I doubt that I would have been able to write the whole letter. With tears streaming down my face I was able to share with everyone who had been praying for the last week what had happened to Emily and how much her short life has affected people.

I still cannot read this letter without crying, so be warned that you may need a tissue.


Dearest Friends and Family,

It is with a breaking heart that I write these words to you. Our beautiful Emily Faith died tonight. We are so blessed to have gotten to spend the time we did with her. She is such a miracle, even during her short life. We have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, pray and support from each and every one of you. So many of you did not even know us, but got on your knees to pray for our precious family.  Emily passed away around 9:30pm on January 26th, we were with her at the time and were able to hold her and say goodbye. The doctors tried everything to give her a chance, but the truth is that she was just too early to survive.

We don’t understand why this had to happen, but what I do know for absolute certainty is that her short life had already and will continue to have kingdom impact. Emily Faith is with her creator, she is in Heaven and there is no more pain for her. We rejoice in the fact that one day we will get to see out little girl again, and she will always be in our hearts.

For those of you who only know bits and pieces I would like to share part of Emily’s story with you. Emily was 23 weeks and 2 days when she was born on January 26, 2011 at 12:10pm. The fact that Emily made it through the delivery process was the first miracle. She was born fully enclosed in the amniotic sac so this cushioned the delivery process. The Lord was gracious to me in that the delivery was short and with very little pain. Once Emily was born the doctors got her stable and brought her to see us before taking her to the NICU. Shortly before 3pm we were told that we needed to come be with her because she was not going to make it. I was trying to get out of bed to go see her when Ron came back and told me she had passed. We decided that we still needed to see her, so I got in the wheelchair to go. Then the doctor came walking in and was smiling. He told us that they had tried to resuscitate her but it had not worked and they had turned all the machine off when Emily began to breathe on her own. They got her stable at that point and we got to go and spend some time with her, it was very special. After all our friends and family had left for the night Ron and I went to spend some more time with our baby girl, it was during this time that they had to resuscitate her several times and we realized that she was working harder and harder with less and less results. We made the decision that we wanted her to be in our arms so the doctors put her on my chest and I got to hold out baby girl in the last moments of her life. I have to say it was the most special thing that could have happened. The three of us getting to spend those precious moments together and say goodbye. I know in my heart that we made the right decision to let her go peacefully, but it does not hurt any less.
We have come to find out that we have prayer warriors around the world that were interceding on our behalf during these last few difficult days. I cannot tell you how much you have all meant to us. So many of you we will never know, until we get to heaven. Please feel free to share this with anyone that you know was praying for us in the last few days. 

I would like to share one final thing with everyone. Many years ago a song was written by Twila Paris that I think fits what we have just gone through and I want to share the words with you. It is called “A Visitor From Heaven”

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a while
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven
Accompanied by grace
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a day
We thank Him for the time He gave
And now it's time to say
We trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And we're so glad you're there
We're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

Thank you once again for all your prayers,

Finding Laughter

I have discovered that laughter helps the healing process. It is important to find things to enjoy and even laugh at in life, even when we are hurting. I was thinking that I wanted to focus on laughter today. I remember the first time I actually laughed after Emily died; it was about two weeks after her death. It was a YouTube video of all things. Here it is for you to enjoy.

It is the small things in life, like people's crazy answers to innocent questions that should be enjoyed. Or the cute things that a child says or does.

What is something that has made you laugh recently?

I hope that you too can find joy and laughter in the simple things in life.

Crazy Brain

I am not superstitious and have never put much thought into dates and numbers. However, the other night I was feeling particularly sad and missing Emily and let my thoughts go wild and started to think about dates and numbers. These are some crazy correlations, but this just goes to show you how crazy a grieving woman's brain can be.

• Ron and I were married on the 23rd of February
• Emily was due on the 23rd of May
• I was only pregnant 23 weeks
• Emily was due three months from the 23rd
• Ron and I are celebrating our 3rd anniversary on the 23rd

I know that these are crazy correlations, and there are correlations in anything if we look hard enough. These are just the crazy musings of a grieving, hormonal woman. I don't actually put any validity behind these crazy correlations. This is just one of those posts that really does not make any sense, but just gives you a look into my crazy brain.

One Month

I thought I would feel different today. I thought I would focus on Emily more or be more sad, but today has been like many of my other days in the past month. It is strange to me that so far my worst days have not been a day I would consider significant.

My worst days have been just random, ordinary days. Today also happens to be mine and Ron's three year anniversary. I had initially thought that I did not want to celebrate today. We had talked about it and decided to go out on Saturday instead, but then this afternoon we were talking and decided that we should go out to dinner, just the two of us TONIGHT.

I think that in the midst of our sadness and grief it is still important for us to make sure we are focusing on our marriage, and February 23rd was the day that we started that marriage. I am kind of excited to go out tonight. It is not very often that Ron and I get to go out by ourselves and have a nice dinner. We are going to one of our favorite restaurants, Thia food, yum!

HOPE

The whole world of blogging is very new to me. I have been reading blogs for awhile now, and it always amazes me that people can write and that people actually will read what they write down. Now I am blogging too.

Today I was reading a blog post about hope. Hope is such loaded word, especially for someone who feels like they have lost the hope they once had. Franchesca at Small Bird Studio started a blog hop for people to share about hope. She posed this question: "What small {or big!} miracles have brought you hope lately?"

This question got me to thinking about hope and if I have any right now. I know that I have hope in my Saviour and that even through this difficult time He is still my Comforter and Healer. But what miracles have I seen lately that have brought me hope?

One thing that comes to mind that brings me hope is seeing the new life happening around me. While it is still winter (and we had snow this morning) it has been warm enough that one of the trees in our back yard has started to bloom. This tree, that has looked dead for months, has new life. The Webster Dictionary defines hope as "to cherish a desire with anticipation." The desire I cherish with anticipation is the renewing of life with the coming of Spring. What a great reminder that all things will be made new. We see this each year with the coming of Spring.

I also have hope for all the new babies being born around me. I though after we came home without Emily that I would not be able to see a pregnant woman or new baby without crying or getting angry at God, but the reverse has happened. I find my smiling at the thought of brand new babies, and praying for the women I know who are pregnant, that their pregnancy will continue to go well and that they will have a safe delivery. I pray that they will never know the heart break that I do, AND I look forward to meeting all these new little ones in the coming months.

I also take great comfort in this verse. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
The Lord has not been surprised by any of what has happened to our family. We do not always understand why things happen to us, but I know that the Lord has a plan for my life and that of our family and I can have
HOPE in that.