A New Project

I have finally decided what I want to do to be a blessing to other BLM.

I am so excited about this project. I have been tossing around this idea probably for the last two months, but I finally decided that it is time to take action.

Several days after Emily died I went online trying to find other women who had suffered a similar loss to me. What I found was a whole community of women (and some men) supporting each other through their grief.

One of the first sites I came across was the Infant Loss Blog Directory. It was on this site that I found several blogs that offered some tremendous healing to me. Letting me know I was not alone and that there are women out there who understand my grief and pain.

I have decided to start a new directory. When I first started thinking about this project I had hoped to join the team of women who had been working on the previous directory, but my vision of the directory has changed and I feel that with the current directory I cannot fully realize my vision. I plan to include a link to the original directory, since there are a lot of helpful resources and a large database of blogs, but this directory will hopefully have more new and active blogs on it.

So with out more words I would like to share that vision with you...
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory

I spent a lot of time and spoke with several people regarding the title. The acronym PAIL fits very nicely with the title and I will often use PAIL when talking about the directory. It is in the beginning stages right now and in not open for public view right now. I hope to have the directory live with in a few weeks.

One of the reasons I am sharing this now on my blog is that I would like to start building the directory before it goes live. This is where you all come in:

I would love to have you begin to start submitting your blogs to be added to the directory and if you would please pass on this information to any other BLM. You can link back to this post, or if you would even blog about it for me.

I want to have permission to add each blog to the new directory, so while I could just start adding blog I know about I would like to go about it a bit differently.

I also want to do an "In Memory" post each month, remembering our children who have died so I am requesting information from each, mom, dad or even grandparent that submits a blog (if they want to).

To have your blog added to the directory please send an e-mail to pailblogdirectory@gmail.com
In your e-mail please include the following information:

1. Your name - (first name only is perfectly fine)
2. Your child(ren)'s names
3. Birth date
4. Death date
5. Name of your blog
6. The blog address
7. Category you would like your blog to appear under. (See below for categories, please only pick one)
8. Please also include if you discuss TTC or living children in your blog. We want to be sensitive to others who may not want to read about living children or TTC. Your blog will have a (*) after it to signify this.

 Blog Categories:
Pregnancy loss before 20 weeks
Stillbirth and other loss: 20 weeks to full term
Loss at Birth and Beyond
Multiple Losses
Blogs written from the grandparent(s) perspective
Blogs written from the father's perspective
In Memory Blog ~ in support of other baby loss moms and dads

I want to thank you all in advance for supporting me in the project. I promise that as soon as I take the directory live I will post it here on my blog.

Five Minute Friday ~ On Forgetting

Is it really Friday already? This whole week I have been trying to remember what day it REALLY is. All day Tuesday I was sure it was Wednesday and Wednesday seems like a blur, and I am not even sure what happened to Thursday, other than I got A LOT of cleaning done.

So here I am at Friday, and it is time to take 5 minutes to just write. Some days 5 minutes is all I can take to write. I savor those times that I can take a break and just write. And I am getting to write early in the morning today since our daughter decided to sleep in (could have something to do with the late bedtime last night, but I will take what I can get)

With all that said...I am joining The Gypsy Mama for 5 Minute Friday. "Five minutes to just write, and not worry if it’s just right or not."

GO.

Some days I want to forget. Forget this horrible nightmare that we have found ourselves in the past four months. I want to forget that I should be holding our infant daughter but will never do that again on Earth.

But forgetting about the past four months means forgetting about Emily and I want to remember that I carried her for 23 weeks and 2 days and that she lived for 10 hours and that I am so blessed to be her mother, even for the short time.

Forgetting means losing the person that I am, the things that have formed and shaped who I am today. I don't want to forget. Not ever. I am a stronger person because of everything I have gone through in my life.

On a lighter note, ever since I got pregnant with our first child I have begun to forget things. Most of them are not super important things, but my brain seems to have been taken over. I loss track of time, I forget important dates until it is past the date.

If it was not for my Smart phone I might forget a whole lot more.

STOP.

Wordless Wednesday ~ Multi-tasking

She was reading a book and watching TV.

A Celebration

Yesterday would have been Emily's due date. I wrote in detail about how I was feeling and what we tentatively had planned. But I wanted to share what we ended up doing and share a few pictures too.

Most of yesterday was a normal day...laundry, nap time, and a trip to the grocery store to get a few things items and pick up balloons. By the way I forgot the balloons on the trip to the store so I had to ask my wonderful husband to pick them up on his way home from work; which he did. And he brought me a surprise home as well. A bouquet of beautiful pink roses. I took some up close pictures too, so that you could see how pretty they are.

My husband initially purchased three balloons, but shortly after he got home one of them popped, so we had to go back to the store and get two more. She there are all four of the balloons. Three to release, and one for Maddie to keep.

We decided to go out to dinner so that I did not have to cook last night. We also invited one other family to join us, my dear friend Melissa, her husband and their two boys.

Checking out the drink menu...don't worry she did not get to order off that menu.

After dinner we all went back to our house and had carrot cake and then released the three balloons. Maddie drew a picture on one balloon and Ron and I each wrote a note to Emily.

It was windy and overcast, but it was still perfect. Watching the three balloons sail off into the sky and hearing Maddie say "here you go Emily" was the perfect end to yesterday.

Getting ready to release the balloons

There they go

Watching to balloons fly away

Waving to the balloons

Yesterday was a special time. I did not feel as awful as I thought I might. In fact I don't think I cried yesterday. But I am okay with that. This was a time to remember Emily and to celebrate the time that we had with her.

I have found it interesting that it is not the actual significant dates that are the hardest, but the ordinary days that I feel her loss the most, and cry the most.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prays yesterday, they made me feel very loved and cared for.

Just Another Day?

To most people May 23rd is just another day, this year it happens to be a Monday. For me May 23rd holds a lot of meaning.

Today marks my 100th post...It also marks my estimated due date with Emily Faith. I think it is interesting that my 100th post just happens to fall on my EDD of the child that started this all. If it had not been for the loss of Emily I never would have started this blog.

Blogging has been so helpful to me, it has opened a world to me that I never knew existed. I have met so many wonderful women in this journey. I have been blessed beyond words by the sharing and the caring of each women I have met. Those who have experienced a loss of an infant child understand the pain and the grief of those who have also lost an infant child.

I have been dreading this day for a long time. I have thought about how I would feel and what I would do. I had even initially planned to not do much in May, just so that I could be sad. But that is not what has happened. Life goes on, and I have been extremely busy. Not busy enough to forget or to not grieve, but busy enough to survive each day and take moments to be sad and miss Emily.

This morning when I woke up it was just like any other day.

The laundry still has to be done, and I still have to care for our 2 year old. So the day begins.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about a way to memorialize this day and the baby that we will never again hold in our arms. I have tossed around a lot of ideas. But in the end I decided that I wanted to release balloons.

Tonight, Ron, Maddie and I are going to each write a message on a pink balloon and release it. I have wanted to release balloons for awhile now, but I wanted it to be a day that would mean something. So this is the day.

A few weeks ago, my sister, who lives in CA, told me about what she has decided to do on this day. She along with several of her friends who have lost babies are going to do a balloon release in memory of Emily and all of the other babies that have died too soon.

I was so touched that she would consider doing something like this. I would have loved to have joined them, but the trip was just not possible at this time. So we will be there in spirit and we will have our own balloon release.

Since Emily was born and died I have seen so many wonderful things happen. I am been saddened by how much my family and friends have grieved as well, but I have seen such beauty and healing though the pain. I firmly believe that the 23 weeks, 2 days and 10 hours that Emily was alive were all that she needed to accomplish what the Lord had planned for her. And after she was done, He took her home to be with Him.

I am sad that I will never again hold our baby girl on earth, but I am excited for the day when we will be re-united and we will spend eternity together praising our wonderful Saviour.

The Tears Foundation

I recently was introduced to this wonderful organization. It is sad that this organization had to be formed, but I am glad that there is something like this for families who loss an infant. The Tears Foundation offers assistance with funeral and burial costs for families who loss an infant.

When we lost Emily, I had no idea anything like this existed. We did not find out about this organizaiton until after we had aleady made a decision about what we wanted to do with Emily's remains. I don't think knowing abou this foundation would have changed what we chose to do, but I am thankful that there is an organization that will assist families with a tasks that no parent should have to have.

 The Tears Foundation does a Rock & Walk each year to raise funds to help families. These walks take place in several places across the United States. This year I will be taking part in the Rock & Walk in Tacoma, WA.

My dear friend Jamie is going to walk with me. In fact it was her idea in the first place that we should walk. (Jamie and her husband spent the evening before Emily was born and the entire next day with us at the hospital. They arrived right after Emily was born and stayed until late that night. They left about two hours before Emily died. Having their support during such a difficult day was such a blessing.)

I am in the process of raising money for The Tears Foundation. The Rock & Walk is on June 11th. I am trying to raise $200 for the foundation. I would love to be able to meet my goal by the time I walk on June 11th. If you are interested in donating please use this link Western Washington Rock & Walk 2011, it will take you directly to the donation page that I have set up.

If you are just interested in finding out more about this organization please click on the link at the beginning of this post.

Five Minute Friday: When Seasons Change

I have not participated in Five Minute Friday for a few weeks. There are a few reasons for this. One, I have been keeping super busy, part of this is intentional and part of it is just life. Two, I have not really felt much like writing. I have plenty to say, but just not been feeling like sharing. And third, the last two topics I have just not connected with for some reason and decided not to try and think of anything to write, or even think about it at all.

But I am back and ready to go.

I am joining The Gypsy Mama this week for Five Minute Friday. Spend five minutes writing on the topic of the week, no editing, just write what comes to mind.

Go.

I love the changing seasons. For the majority of my life I lived in a location where there were really only two seasons...cool and hot. Now I live in a location that gets all four seasons and I am loving it.

This year spring seemed especially beautiful. I am not sure if it was the long cold winter we had or the fact that I needed to see new life so much this year.

When I think about the changing of seasons I think past the actually season, and think about the seasons of life. The season when you are single, the season when you are married without kids and now the season I am in, the season with a child.

This can seem like a long season at times. But what an amazing season it is. Right now I am deep in the season of a toddler and while I am finding it challenging to parent a toddler, I am finding it so rewarding at the same time.

I have also entered a new season, the season of grieving. I am sure that this season in my life will always be present now that I have entered it, but I am also sure that it will evolve and change just like the changing of the actual season. I am in the winter of my grief, but I know that there will come a day when new hope will come and I will begin to see the promise of a new life once again.

Stop

Well that was a bit over 5 minutes, but I needed to finish that last few sentences.

Less Than A Week

I have been keeping very busy, but at night, once the activities of the day come to an end I have time to think. Add to that the babies that have been born this week, and that are due in the next few weeks. I was pregnant at the same time with several friends. This is such a difficult time.

I am so happy for my friends, but it is an added reminder of next week, and the fact that we will not be welcoming a baby girl into our family, that she has already joined our family and then left us.

I recently saw this on a fellow BLM blog and through it was beautiful. I have been wanting to share it, and felt like tonight was the perfect time. I think that the word survivor has so many meanings in the poem. I have survived my daughter, but I am also surviving and going on; even when I don't feel that way.

My Mom is a Survivor 
Kaye Des'Ormeaux 
 
My mom is a survivor, Or so I have heard it said. 
 
But I can hear her crying When all others are in bed. 
 
I watch her lay awake at night And go to hold her hand. 
 
She doesn’t know I’m with her To help her understand. 
 
But like the sands upon the beach That never wash away... 
 
I watch over my surviving mom, Who thinks of me each day. 
 
She wears a smile for others... A smile of disguise. 
 
But through heaven’s open door I see tears flowing from her eyes 
 
My mom tries to cope with my death To keep my memory alive. 
 
But to anyone who knows her, knows it’s her way to survive. 
 
As I watch over my surviving mom Through heaven’s open door... 
 
I try to tell her Angels protect me forevermore. 
 
I know that doesn’t help her... Or ease the burden she bears. 
 
So if you get a chance, talk to her... And show her that you care. 
 
For no matter what she says... No matter what she feels. 
 
My surviving mom has a broken heart That time won’t ever heal. 

Lifting Others Up In Prayer

I believe in the power of prayer.

I know that some people sometimes wonder how I can still believe in the power of prayer after what I have gone through. But the truth is that God never promised to answer all our prayers the way WE want them answered. I think the hardest part is believing and trusting God, no matter what the outcome.

I have no answer for why prayers are not always answered with the yes, that we want. But despite my sadness at losing Emily, I have seen other prayers answered in the aftermath of her death. I still do not understand why Emily died, or what the greater purpose is, but I do know that God is good.

Several months ago I stumbled upon a blog, 2 kids, A mini van and a mortgage written by Kate. February 23rd of this year her 5 year old daughter Lucy was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of brain cancer, Medulloblastoma.

I firmly believe that every blog I have found in the last five months have been for some reason. Some have been a support to me, others have been a fun distraction, but this one, as well as a few others I believe I found, so that I could intercede in prayer for Lucy and her family.

Kate shares, most of the time, daily about how Lucy and the family can use prayer, the miraculous answers to pray, and just about their life, with a child living with cancer. There have been some amazing answers to pray and I would like to invite you to join me in praying for Kate, Lucy and their entire family.

You might also notice the button on the side bar on my blog. I feel so strongly about praying for this family that I have added the button that was made for Lucy to my blog page.

There are so many verses about prayer, but I  think 1 John 5:14-15 is a wonderful verse about prayer

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him

Happy List Saturday

It is the 10th week of Happy List Saturday with Natasha at My Angel Baby...Aiden William. I can't believe it has been 10 weeks. I have not participated every week, but I am so glad that there is a day that we can focus on things that make us happy, especially during a week that is not so great.

I don't have a long list the week, but I did want to make a list this week.

Pizza
On a night when I have no idea what to make for dinner, or really just don't want to make dinner...pizza is always there. Enough said.

Shark Tank
Have you ever watched this show? It is so much fun to watch. If you have never seen it, check it out.

My Husband
I have put him in my happy list before, but he makes me happy each day. He is so wonderful to let me take time for myself. Today, I got to go yard sale shopping for four hours while he watched our daughter.

Wet Wipes
Such a great invention. Can be used for ANYTHING...

Spring Rain
There is a smell to rain in the Spring that is just so refreshing and wonderful.

Dogwood Tree Blossoms
These are some of the most beautiful trees I have ever seen. I have decided that I would like to purchase one of these trees in memory of Emily. I don't know yet when I will be able to get one, but just seeing them around town makes me smile. (I will post a picture later, it is not uploading right now)

In Memory of James Robert Veteto (Grandpa Jim)

My grandfather passed away today. Shortly after I finished the last post I heard the news of his death.

I am numb at the moment. I cried when I first found out, but I had to carry on with my day and so I have not had much time to process. I was not particularly close to my Grandpa Jim (as well always called him), but I remember spending holidays and birthdays with him. My little sister Amy was even born on his birthday.

One thing I remember about him, is that he gave us stock for Christmas. When I was young he would give us $20 on our birthday and $50 at Christmas, and then one Christmas he started giving us stock. Imagine the perplexed look on the face of a 9 or 10 year old when you receive a piece of paper for Christmas that is not money. We did still get the $20 on our birthday. I was not thankful for the stock at the time, but now as I am older I really do appreciate it. With the stock I was able to purchase my first car and I still have some of the stock today. He was helping us prepare for our future

I also remember that he used to love to collect stamps. When I was about 13 he gave all of his stamps to me. Over the years I have spent sometime looking at the stamps. I am actually not even sure where they are right now, probably in the garage. I don't think I ever really appreciate those either. But I am so glad that I have those to remember him by.

I had not intended to make this an "in memory" but it just seems fitting.

I have so many wonderful memories of my Grandpa Jim:

Root beer floats in glasses so big there was no way a child could finish it.

Candy...he always had candy on the table, much to the chagrin of my parents.

Pigeons - on several different occasions he raised and raced pigeons. I never went to a race with him, but he would often talk about the birds and the races.

He always had our favorite soda in the refrigerator. He knew what we drank and he always had it there for when we came to visit

Apricots and lemons - both of these tress grew behind his house and when they were in season we would go home with bags of each.

I remember his gardens. During my teen years he occupied his time with gardening. I sure wish I had learned more from him. He had a lot of knowledge to share

While I do not remember it, we lived with my grandparents for I think about a year when I was Maddie's age right now (2 years old). My mom has always told me that he was gone a lot working, but we still lived there. The same house that he lived in until he died.

Rosa Maria burritos - There was this little "hole in the wall" place about a mile from his house. Every time, unless it was a Monday, we went to see him, we would stop at this place. Even to this day, every time we go back to California we make sure to stop and get a burrito.

In the years since I have been an adult, when I have gone to visit we would stop and pick up burritos and take them to his house. Those last few visit were special. They were never very long, but spending time with him was good. And having the opportunity to introduce him to his great-grand daughter was wonderful.

I am sad that Maddie will never know her great-grand father. But I am glad that even though she will not remember, she got to meet him and that we have a few pictures of them together.

I remember out last visit with him, just about a year ago. We almost did not take the time to stop because it was such a crazy trip, but in the end we did end up stopping for lunch and taking him out to get a Rosa Maria burrito. I have no idea what we talked about, but I do remember even then that his health was failing.

His death was not a surprise. I think we all knew that it was going to happen soon. But even when death is expected, it does not make it any easier.

I am sad tonight. I pray that he found Jesus in those final days of his life. I pray that he is in heaven and we will see him again one day. But the truth is I am not sure. Over the years I remember my parents talking to him about Jesus and God, but I also remember telling them that he was not interested in hearing anything. Maybe some of what they shared with him over the years got a hold of his heart.

I am going to end this post with a few pictures. I have very few pictures of Grandpa Jim, but the ones I do have are with him holding Maddie. I am so glad that I have these pictures. Maddie met her great-grandpa for the first time when she was 4 months old. The second and last time she saw her great-grandpa was when she was 17 months old. She really did not want to take the picture, but we did get it finally, even if it was with her binky in her mouth.

The last picture I have with Grandpa Jim

We love you...You will be missed.

New Infant Loss Support Group

Recently, the women who runs Compassionate Friends in our city has started an infant loss support group. It is a group that lasts 6 weeks and is to help parents grieve the loss of their infant. The group started last week.

For me it is a time to spend thinking about Emily and being able to share with other parents who have also lost a baby. It is a time to be able to connect and grieve together, and know that we are not alone in our journey.

At the beginning of the meeting each parent gets the chance to light a candle in honor of the child or children that we have lost. Before attending Compassionate Friends I had never lit a candle for Emily. I now think it is very symbolic gesture and really like to light a candle for her.

Now that I have experienced a loss, one of my desires is to be able to be there for other families who have experienced a loss. While I understand that every one's actual experience is different, everyone grieves and I think also needs someone to reach out to them. I want to be able to hold the hand of a mom who has recently lost her child, to cry with her, or even laugh with her if that is what she needs.

I want to come along side these families and offer support or anything else they need. I had several women who came along side me and offered comfort right after Emily died and it meant so much to me. I was able to hear from them that what I was feeling was normal and that how I was dealing with my grief was perfectly fine.

So my hope, even after this infant loss support group is over, is to be able to find a way to offer support to families within my community. I also want to be a support in the online community, but I think that there is something so powerful and helpful about being able to talk with someone face to face.

Happy Mother's Day

To my mother
and
all the wonderful mothers whom I have the pleasure of knowing; those who have babies here on earth and those in heaven.

My prayer for those of you have have babies in heaven that you will not be too sad today, but focus on the life that you carried, however long it was.

Five Minute Friday: Motherhood Should Come With…

I am a bit behind. It is actually Saturday afternoon, but the last 24 hours have been super busy for me so I am playing catch up now.

I am joining The Gypsy Mama for Five Minute Friday.




The rules are easy.

1. Write your heart out for five minutes and show us what you’ve got.
2. Tell your readers you’re linking up here and invite them to play along.
3. And most importantly, go visit, read, and encourage the fellow five-minuter who linked up right before you.

Go

Motherhood should come with an instruction manual. It would sure be helpful to know what you would encounter before it happened. But at the same time I am so thrilled with discovering each new thing that my daughter does. So maybe motherhood should not come with an instruction manual.

Instead it should come with a sense of humor. I believe that getting through anything your child does is made easier with laughter. It might not always be appropriate to laugh in the moment, but how would anyone survive having children if we did not laugh.

Motherhood should come with an unlimited supply of chocolate (just for mom). There are times when a really good piece of chocolate makes everything better even if for just a few minutes.

Motherhood should also come with a way to block out all those "helpful" suggestions and comments from all those well meaning people, who feel they know everything about motherhood.

STOP

Random-ness

I am not even sure where to start this post. I really have not felt much like writing lately. I want to write, but every time I try to write I get distracted or just cannot find the words.

I have been so busy the last week or so that I have not had time to really be sad. I get up in the morning and take care of Maddie, I clean what needs to be cleaned, and then I have several paid sewing jobs that I am currently working on. All of this keeps me busy and I am worn out by the end of the evening. I sit and watch TV for a bit and usually fall asleep on the couch and then I head up to bed. All of this leaves me very little time to stop and focus on my grief lately.

It actually occurred to me the other day that I seem to be "back to normal." I know I am not really back to normal, just going about my day the way I used to. Like nothing ever happened. In some ways I hate feeling this way. I sometimes wish time would stop. I don't know what I would do if it did stop...

As May 23rd (my EDD with Emily) gets closer I have begun to wonder how I will feel on that day, if I should have anything planned, and if I do plan something, what should it be. I am open to suggestions on how to approach this day.

I am sitting right now watching Toy Story 2 with my daughter for the thousandth time this month., besides the fact that I am soooooo over Toy Story she makes me smile. It is her favorite movie right now. It is so cute to watch her. Even though my life feels like it is falling apart at time I am so glad that she is in my life and just watching her brightens my day.

Sorry about the randomness of this post. I have so much that I would like to share, but I am still trying to find the words to write those things down. I will try to share in the next week or so.

Wordless Wednesday...Happiness & Sanity

Happiness

Sanity

Happy List Saturday

It is Saturday and time for Happy List Saturday. I missed last week. Not because I had nothing to be happy about, but because we were all sick and I just really did not feel like coming up with one.

Well it was Saturday when I started this list, but now it is Sunday. But better late than never.

Warmer weather
The last few days have been beautiful. It has been windy, so being outside has been a bit chilly, but the sun is shining and it is definitely Spring

Apple Blossom Festival
Yesterday kicked off the Apple Blossom Festival here in our city. I took Maddie to the Kiddie Parade. We had so much fun. But I forgot my camera, so no pictures to share. I am going to try and remember to take my camera today to the Kids Fair in the park.

My 2 year old
I love having a child that is finally old enough to enjoy doing activities. Last year we took her to a lot of the festivities of Apple Blossom, but she was not really that into any of it. This year is much different. This is my favorite age so far (but I have said that of every age she has been so far.)

Red Tulips
My mom gave me Tulips this week in memory of Emily. They are so pretty. They are probably only going to last a few more days. But I am enjoying them for now.

Emily's Blanket
I may do a whole post about this, but it made me happy this week so I wanted to share it here. On Friday I got Emily's blanket in the mail. Rows for Remembrance is a wonderful ministry to families who have lost a baby at any stage in the pregnancy to birth. They knit or crochet a blanket with your child in mind. The blanket has 20 "starter" rows and then one additional row for each week your carried your child. My blanket was 43 rows and it is perfect. I don't have a picture of it, but my two year old grabbed Emily's blanket and cuddled with it yesterday. It was so cute. She knows that it is Emily's blanket.

The Cake Mix Doctor

Have you ever seen this book? If not you have to check it out. It is one of my favorite cookbooks. This woman takes a cake mix and transforms the mix into an amazing cake. That I know of she has three different books and each is so wonderful. I will probably never make a cake from scratch again.

Blog Awards
Last week I received two blog awards: The Stylish Blogger Award and The Versatile Blog Award. It was so fun to receive these awards and then to turn around and give them to other bloggers that I follow.