Half Way There

Friday marked the 20 week mark. We also had our anatomy scan ultrasound. From what I could see on the ultrasound every thing looks good. The baby is measuring right on for the dates that we already have set. We will see the doctor on Thursday to confirm that everything looks good from the ultrasound.

We also confirmed what my husband and I have felt a long. We are having a GIRL. We are so excited to have another little girl in the family. Now to pick out a name. my husband and I have been talking in the evening about names, but we have nothing pinned down yet. Plus we have waited to name our other two until after they were born. We have an idea of names, but we want to meet our baby before we give her a name. So in the mean time my husband has decided our little one will be called Neptune. I have not explanation for this name, just one day he started calling the baby this, and it has stuck. Even Maddie is calling the baby "baby Neptune." It is really cute.

I am so happy to finally be half way through this pregnancy, I want to meet our little girl so much. I am enjoying each day that I am pregnant and now being able to feel our little one moving is helping keep me calm. But I think that these next four weeks are going to be a bit hard. It was the week following our anatomy scan with Emily that everything started to fall apart; all those early morning trips to the ER and the multiple hospital admissions. I am so thankful that it is not the same time of year, but I will feel much better once we get past 24 weeks. I know that there are no guarantees after 24 weeks but our little one's chances of survival increases every week after 24 weeks and that will bring me some comfort.

I am really going to try and write more in the future. I feel bad that I have been neglecting this blog lately, but I have just not felt much like writing and it seems like if I go one day without writing it is so much easier to go another day and then another one. On another blog I follow the author actually addressed this issue of it being hard to get back into writing once you take a day off, so that is why she writes every day, because if she didn't then there would always be an excuse for not writing the next day. So with that said, I am not promising to write each day, but I will try to write at least once a week and see if I can get back up to once a day.

A Giveaway on the PAIL Blog Directory

After Emily's death I knew I wanted to do something to honor Emily and to reach out to other families who have suffered the loss of an infant. After thinking about it for many months I decided to create a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory. A place where families could connect with others who had gone through a similar loss. The directory has been up and running for about 4 months now, and is growing slowly. To aid in the growth of this resource I have decided to host a giveaway on the blog directory.

If you have a moment please visit the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory. The information about the giveaway is posted there now.

When You Least Expect It...

It always seems that my emotions creep up when I least expect them. Today was the first day of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). Last year, the first day of MOPS fell on September 9th. I remember this day because it was right after MOPS that I got a positive pregnancy test (this was my pregnancy with Emily). So official I have been pregnant for basically a year, (minus the 4 months between pregnancies). But that is a long time to be pregnant and not have a baby in your arms. I am counting the days until I get to hold a baby in my arms again.

My emotions were already a bit high to start with and then our leader shared with us that one of the other moms, who is almost 33 weeks pregnant, was being airlifted to the same hospital I was airlifted to, due to pre-term labor. I just lost it, I had to leave the room because I was crying so hard. I got myself under control and went back into the room, where I started to cry all over again. I am so thankful for the women that came and gave me hugs and just let me cry. I was finally able to get myself under control, and had a wonderful morning of fellowship and fun. But A. is on my mind and in my prayers.

I know that A. is in one of the best hospitals in the state to care for her and her baby, if he is born early, but it still hits me hard. I am praying like crazy for her and her baby boy.

Just when I think I am doing really well, something comes out of nowhere and knocks me down again.

The "Right" Thing is not Always Right

I feel like I have had a writer's block the last month or so. It was not until last night that I finally figured out why I have not been able to write or really even visit this blog very often. This blog has always been a place for me to come and share my feelings about Emily, how I am feel about losing her, how I am grieving and our life after Emily. But recently I have not felt like sharing. I have even been dreading this upcoming week. I am so thankful to my husband for finally putting words to his, as well as my feelings about the next week. In case you are lost, the memorial service put on by the hospital where we delivered Emily is this coming Thursday, September 15.

I wish I could put into words how I have been feeling the last month. I am just not sure what the words are. I have been almost dreading going to the memorial service. Weeks ago I wrote about how I felt like this memorial would be a final goodbye to Emily. But the truth is I don't need a "finally goodbye." I know where my daughter is; She is in heaven with Jesus. She is in the best place possible for her. I would love to have her here on this earth with our family, but she is in such a better place. We made a decision about what to do with Emily's physical body in the hospital on January 27th. For our family it was the right choice.

Since finding out about the memorial I have felt like the "right" thing to do is go to the service, but I have not been anticipating it, I have been dreading it. For me it is not going to be a closure or a goodbye; that has already happened. Emily is in my heart and I don't need a place to go to remember her. I remember her every day. With all of that said we have decided not to attend the memorial. I can't even express the pressure and dread that has lifted since we made this decision. It is like I was forcing my self to go through a motion for someone else and do what everyone would expect me to do. But my grief is not about everyone else, it is about me. That is one thing I have learned in the months since Emily's death; everyone processes a loss and deals with grief differently and no one should be made to feel like what they are doing or not doing is right or wrong.

It has been 7 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since we lost our sweet little girl. So much has happened in the life of our family. We have gone from extreme sadness and grief to such joy and anticipation for the future. The Lord has truly blessed us in the months since Emily's death. Losing a child is something that I wish no parent every had to experience, but the loss has changed me as a person and while I wish these changes could have come about in a different way I am happy with who I am.

Sweet Emily,
Momma loves you so much. I am so thankful that you were in our life for even the short time that you were. I miss you so much, but at the same time I love thinking that you will never know the pains of life. You are in a perfect place, at the feet of Jesus. And one day we will get to see you again. I am excited for that day, but know you are in great hands until that day.

Love your mom

The Last Few Weeks

I want to start out by saying thank you to all of those who commented on my previous post about my decisions regarding this blog and the direction I am going to take with it, both now and in the future. It meant a lot to me and I am even more confident in my decision.

It was because of the decision process and of course life that has limited the posts in the past few weeks. I wish I could say that I have a back-log of posts, but sadly I have not written much in the past few weeks. Since my last doctor's appointment my stress level has been a lot less and I have been doing fairly well.

I was looking back and realized the last time I wrote about the pregnancy was when I was 12 weeks along. I am now 15 weeks pregnant. I am really going to try and keep up on this for the rest of the pregnancy. I want to be able to look back and see where I was in the process.

So here is a quick recap. My doctor's appointment on August 9th went great. Dr. P walked in the exam room and asked me how I was, to which I replied "a nervous wreck." I told him why and before he did anything else he checked the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler (150 bpm). Such a relief to hear that tiny heart. He also shared with me part of his plan for the next few months, one of which is to start to check my cervical length, next appointment. I am so happy with his decisions and the course of treatment right now. My next appointment will be on September 1st.

This week, week 15, for me is an important week. This is the week I started spotting with Emily. So far this week looks good. I am pleased to say I have not had any spotting yet during this pregnancy, which is such a relief. Now on to 21 weeks, where we will have the anatomy scan and find out if we are having a boy or girl. Both my husband and I are pretty sure we are having a girl, but then I was convinced that our first was going to be a boy and we ended up having a girl. So my intuition has been off before, BUT I do have a 50/50 chance of being right. So we will see. We would be fine with either one.

Emotionally
My emotional state the last few weeks has been pretty good. I know that there is a little part of me that is still in denial that I am actually pregnant again. On September 9th, it will have been a year since I found out I was pregnant with Emily, so with the exception of about 4 months I have been pregnant for almost a year. That is a long time to be pregnant and not have a baby in our arms.

It was only this week that I finally broke down and started wearing maternity shirts. That was a huge step for me, to finally acknowledge that I am getting bigger and the baby is growing, and things are going well. I think I can finally start to be excited for this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am excited, it is just a different excitement up to this point.

Physically
I am getting a tummy, and I love it, but I seem to be getting so much bigger, so much sooner. I am still super tired, to the point where I still need a nap each day or I fall asleep on the couch in the evening. But it is slowly getting better. I hopefully soon I will make it through a day without a nap.

I get sick occasionally, but more now than in the first three months. This I know is due to low blood sugar in the mornings. So if I make sure to eat often I am okay, but if I go too long between eating I tend to get sick. At least I know what triggers it, and most of the time I can prevent it.

I know I have felt the baby move a few times, but it is only once in a while right now. I can't wait to feel this little one move more often. I think that is one for my favorite parts of being pregnant. 

A Final Memorial for Emily

Last week I received a letter from the hospital where we delivered Emily. The letter was informing us of when the infant memorial service is going to be held. After Emily died my husband and I had to decide what to do with Emily's body. There were several different options provided to us, but ultimately we decided to let the hospital cremate her body and then bury her ashed along with the other infant who had died the previous year. There were many reasons for the decision that we made, and even to this day I am still comfortable with the choice that we made.

The memorial service will be held on September 15 at Evergreen-Washelli Cemetery in Seattle, Washington.

We plan to make the drive as a family and attend the memorial service. We are taking Maddie with us. I feel like it is very important to include her in this. I don't think there has been a time that I ever considered not attending. I know that we have already said good-bye to Emily and we had the closure that we needed, but at the same time I want to go through this final act of saying good-bye.

As I am writing this, I am thinking about how hard this service might actually be for me. Since we did not have any kind of memorial for Emily after she died this is the final closure. But attending this memorial, almost 19 weeks pregnant is something that just hit me. If we had not lost Emily, we would not be expecting this new baby. This new life would not have been possible if we had Emily in our arms today.  

Thoughts About My Blog

I have had so many emotions over the last week or so. I have been going back and forth about several things in regards to my blog. The major one is, do I want to continue writing about this pregnancy on this blog. When I first started this blog it was an outlet for my grief, then it became a way for me to share my life after Emily, this included Maddie. And it was at that point that I decided that this blog was about our family's journey after the loss of Emily and that this blog would include any future children that we might have.

This thought came up after a fellow BLM blogger just had her rainbow baby. This BLM had not shared about the pregnancy on her blog and it was only after the baby was born safely that she finally shared the news on her blog. She wrote about her pregnancy and shared it on her blog on a separate page after the baby was born. This actually got me to thinking...Would I have continued to read her blog if she was always talking about her pregnancy? I don't have an answer to that question. I am just not sure.

I know that after I announced my pregnancy on my blog I lost one follower. I was not surprised, in fact I actually thought I might lose more. I know a lot of BLM bloggers choose to start a new blog for their family and rainbow baby. Now that I am pregnant reading about their pregnancies is helpful to me to see what they went through emotionally during the pregnancy and how they handled a pregnancy after a loss.

Writing has been such a healing process for me. It has helped me that I have had an audience to write to, though most of this is for me. I have struggled with saying the wrong thing knowing people read what I write and come to the point where it ultimately is for me and if someone does not like it they can just stop reading. This is not to be harsh or mean, but this is me, my thoughts and feeling. I am fine with anyone reading them, but it is my opinion and is never directed at anyone.

Writing today has actually helped me process. And I have talked to several people about my thoughts about continuing to write about the pregnancy on this blog. One person I talked to suggested that I needed to share my process for deciding, especially for someone who has just lost a baby and has started reading my blog.

I want this blog to be a documentation of everything that has happened and everything that we as a family will go through as a result of losing Emily. With that said, I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on my blog. And when the baby is born I will also write about our little peanut.