I AM ANGRY

I am angry.

Angry at God for not answering our prayer to heal me and keep me pregnant, and then to heal Emily and let her live.

Angry that life keeps going on for everyone else, and I am still trying to just function every day

Angry that I got my period yesterday

Angry that I am no longer pregnant

Angry that my family has to go through so much pain.

Angry

JUST ANGRY

I wondered if I would ever get here in my grief process, I kept wondering that I was handling Emily's death too well. Well guess what, I am not handling it today. I am a huge mess.

There have been so many triggers to get me to where I am tonight. Many of the triggers actually blessed me and did not lead to the anger, but I think things have been building for a day or two.

First, I received an e-mail from my sister. It was a beautiful letter and I was so blessed by what she wrote and she helped me to see how much Emily's life and death has affect the rest of my family.

Second, the leadership team at MOPS blessed me with a gift this morning. They had a star named for Emily. This was something that Ron and I had talked about doing in honor of Emily, so this created a lot of emotion in me.

Then I went to MOPS this morning, there are two women that announced they are pregnant (when they shared I prayed that they would have uneventful, boring pregnancies), then there are new babies, and several women who are about ready to have a baby.

Then there the multiple women whom I have come in contact with over the last few weeks who are all due in MAY, really, it seems like every pregnant woman that I have met lately is due in MAY. I just do not get it.

Then there was the lady who is due in May and her 1 year old daughter's name is Emily. It just makes me crazy sometime.

It felt good to write down what I was feeling. After I wrote the above I went spent the rest of the night with my husband and daughter. It was good to be reminded of the good things I have in my life. I am thankful that even in my anger I can be comforted.

Anger and Other Thoughts

I got angry for the first time tonight. Why God, did Emily have to die? Why could I not have an uncomplicated pregnancy? So many women have such easy pregnancies, and never have a second thought to what complications could occur. I do not wish these women unwell, I am so thankful that they do not have to deal with everything that we have had to deal with. Part of me wants to scream and just get mad at any and everything. Maybe that would make me feel better, but I doubt it.
I know that this may seem strange, but my anger did not last very long, it was almost like the thought was there and then after a few minutes it was gone.
My next thought was how can I take the tragedy that our family has suffered and help others. In the last few weeks I have discovered so many families that have taken their tragedy and turned it into a chance for them to help other families who also have suffered a loss of a child(ren). I have been praying that the Lord would show me how the loss of Emily can help me to bring healing and help to other mothers. I am not sure what this looks like for me and our family, but I know that in time I will find what it is that I can do. I have a few ideas that I want to look into and I will share them in time. But for now you can be praying that the Lord will show me how to use my loss to help others.