The Last Few Weeks

I want to start out by saying thank you to all of those who commented on my previous post about my decisions regarding this blog and the direction I am going to take with it, both now and in the future. It meant a lot to me and I am even more confident in my decision.

It was because of the decision process and of course life that has limited the posts in the past few weeks. I wish I could say that I have a back-log of posts, but sadly I have not written much in the past few weeks. Since my last doctor's appointment my stress level has been a lot less and I have been doing fairly well.

I was looking back and realized the last time I wrote about the pregnancy was when I was 12 weeks along. I am now 15 weeks pregnant. I am really going to try and keep up on this for the rest of the pregnancy. I want to be able to look back and see where I was in the process.

So here is a quick recap. My doctor's appointment on August 9th went great. Dr. P walked in the exam room and asked me how I was, to which I replied "a nervous wreck." I told him why and before he did anything else he checked the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler (150 bpm). Such a relief to hear that tiny heart. He also shared with me part of his plan for the next few months, one of which is to start to check my cervical length, next appointment. I am so happy with his decisions and the course of treatment right now. My next appointment will be on September 1st.

This week, week 15, for me is an important week. This is the week I started spotting with Emily. So far this week looks good. I am pleased to say I have not had any spotting yet during this pregnancy, which is such a relief. Now on to 21 weeks, where we will have the anatomy scan and find out if we are having a boy or girl. Both my husband and I are pretty sure we are having a girl, but then I was convinced that our first was going to be a boy and we ended up having a girl. So my intuition has been off before, BUT I do have a 50/50 chance of being right. So we will see. We would be fine with either one.

Emotionally
My emotional state the last few weeks has been pretty good. I know that there is a little part of me that is still in denial that I am actually pregnant again. On September 9th, it will have been a year since I found out I was pregnant with Emily, so with the exception of about 4 months I have been pregnant for almost a year. That is a long time to be pregnant and not have a baby in our arms.

It was only this week that I finally broke down and started wearing maternity shirts. That was a huge step for me, to finally acknowledge that I am getting bigger and the baby is growing, and things are going well. I think I can finally start to be excited for this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am excited, it is just a different excitement up to this point.

Physically
I am getting a tummy, and I love it, but I seem to be getting so much bigger, so much sooner. I am still super tired, to the point where I still need a nap each day or I fall asleep on the couch in the evening. But it is slowly getting better. I hopefully soon I will make it through a day without a nap.

I get sick occasionally, but more now than in the first three months. This I know is due to low blood sugar in the mornings. So if I make sure to eat often I am okay, but if I go too long between eating I tend to get sick. At least I know what triggers it, and most of the time I can prevent it.

I know I have felt the baby move a few times, but it is only once in a while right now. I can't wait to feel this little one move more often. I think that is one for my favorite parts of being pregnant. 

A Final Memorial for Emily

Last week I received a letter from the hospital where we delivered Emily. The letter was informing us of when the infant memorial service is going to be held. After Emily died my husband and I had to decide what to do with Emily's body. There were several different options provided to us, but ultimately we decided to let the hospital cremate her body and then bury her ashed along with the other infant who had died the previous year. There were many reasons for the decision that we made, and even to this day I am still comfortable with the choice that we made.

The memorial service will be held on September 15 at Evergreen-Washelli Cemetery in Seattle, Washington.

We plan to make the drive as a family and attend the memorial service. We are taking Maddie with us. I feel like it is very important to include her in this. I don't think there has been a time that I ever considered not attending. I know that we have already said good-bye to Emily and we had the closure that we needed, but at the same time I want to go through this final act of saying good-bye.

As I am writing this, I am thinking about how hard this service might actually be for me. Since we did not have any kind of memorial for Emily after she died this is the final closure. But attending this memorial, almost 19 weeks pregnant is something that just hit me. If we had not lost Emily, we would not be expecting this new baby. This new life would not have been possible if we had Emily in our arms today.  

Thoughts About My Blog

I have had so many emotions over the last week or so. I have been going back and forth about several things in regards to my blog. The major one is, do I want to continue writing about this pregnancy on this blog. When I first started this blog it was an outlet for my grief, then it became a way for me to share my life after Emily, this included Maddie. And it was at that point that I decided that this blog was about our family's journey after the loss of Emily and that this blog would include any future children that we might have.

This thought came up after a fellow BLM blogger just had her rainbow baby. This BLM had not shared about the pregnancy on her blog and it was only after the baby was born safely that she finally shared the news on her blog. She wrote about her pregnancy and shared it on her blog on a separate page after the baby was born. This actually got me to thinking...Would I have continued to read her blog if she was always talking about her pregnancy? I don't have an answer to that question. I am just not sure.

I know that after I announced my pregnancy on my blog I lost one follower. I was not surprised, in fact I actually thought I might lose more. I know a lot of BLM bloggers choose to start a new blog for their family and rainbow baby. Now that I am pregnant reading about their pregnancies is helpful to me to see what they went through emotionally during the pregnancy and how they handled a pregnancy after a loss.

Writing has been such a healing process for me. It has helped me that I have had an audience to write to, though most of this is for me. I have struggled with saying the wrong thing knowing people read what I write and come to the point where it ultimately is for me and if someone does not like it they can just stop reading. This is not to be harsh or mean, but this is me, my thoughts and feeling. I am fine with anyone reading them, but it is my opinion and is never directed at anyone.

Writing today has actually helped me process. And I have talked to several people about my thoughts about continuing to write about the pregnancy on this blog. One person I talked to suggested that I needed to share my process for deciding, especially for someone who has just lost a baby and has started reading my blog.

I want this blog to be a documentation of everything that has happened and everything that we as a family will go through as a result of losing Emily. With that said, I have decided that I will continue to write about this pregnancy on my blog. And when the baby is born I will also write about our little peanut.

Stress and Other Stuff

I can't believe it has already been a week since I last posted. There have been several times this week I have thought about writing a post, but my time on the computer has been very limited this week. This has been one of those weeks, an emotional roller coaster. I have not had such a rough week in a long time.

If you remember from my previous post I have been a bit on edge about my next appointment and it having been almost four weeks since I have seen our little peanut. I almost caved and called the doctor several times this week to be seen just to hear the heart beat, but I have almost made it. My appointment will be on Tuesday. But this was only the tip of the iceberg for the week.

Our house has been invaded by ants. In fact to the point where I am ready to move out and let them take over. I am so tired of fighting with them. We have had problems from time to time with ants, but this weeks has been the WORST.

On Monday I came home from running errands and our couch was swarming with ants. I spent the next 6 hours trying everything I could to get the ants to die and clean them up. And all I wanted to do was take a nap. Well I got no nap that day, or the next for that matter. The good news? I ended up finding my Tiffany and Co. bracelet that I lost three years ago. I thought I had lost it at work and it turned out it had fallen inside the couch. Our couch is also now ant free, well mostly, and super clean. We rented a carpet cleaner and cleaned the couch.

Then on Wednesday morning I came down to the kitchen to find the swarm of ants had moved and was now taking over the kitchen. I have been dealing with that for the last several days. I have cleaned every cabinet and drawer and they still will not leave completely. But it is more under control.

The ant problems just magnified everything else I was feeling and I spent several hours over the last week crying. It was a rough week, but I just keep thinking tomorrow is a new day and the start of a new week, and I finally get to hear our little peanut's heartbeat. While I have seen the heart beating at the last two appointments this will be the first time I will get to hear that tiny heart beating. I am so excited.

Despite the rough week there were a few good points: having a wonderful husband that can deal with my extreme mood swings and a daughter that reminds me of the most important things in life. Taking time out to just be with my family. In the midst of the madness of the ants she would say "cuddle me mommy." Having that reminder to take time for her no matter what I am doing was wonderful.