Her Eyes

Last Tuesday I was watching 19 Kids and Counting. It was their season finale. The episode where they find out that the baby Michelle Duggar was pregnant with died at 18 weeks. It was a very hard episode to watch, but I was so touched by what Michelle Duggar said. She really shared her heart.

She shared a letter that she wrote to her unborn daughter. The one part that stuck out to me was about her daughter's eyes. Since her eyes were not open yet, she never saw anything on this earth. The first thing she saw was the face of the Lord. When I heard her say that I thought, that is so neat that for so many of our babies, the first face they saw was that of their Heavenly Father. 

Emily never got to see my face or that of her daddy or sister, but she gets to see that face of her Creator everyday. As much as I wish I could have seen her eyes and have had her look at me, even for a moment, I love the thought that she saw His face first. 

I am not going to share the link here, but if you are interested you can visit the Duggar site and there is a recording that Michelle Duggar made of herself reading the letter she wrote to her unborn daughter. 

When It Is Least Expected

It has been almost 2 months since I last wrote. Life with a newborn and a preschooler is challenging and oh so rewarding. There never seems to be enough hours in the day to get everything done. But then other days I feel like "Super Woman" and actually accomplish a few things. The last two months have been a roller coaster of emotions.

Tonight I was putting Maddie to bed and she asked me if I would lay with her for a few minutes. Tonight Samantha was already in bed, so I had the time to spend with Maddie. The dishes and picking up the rest of the house could wait. Having these moments with my oldest daughter is something to be treasured.

So I climbed into bed with her and she cuddled up to me. It was then that I was struck with an overwhelming sadness. I instantly remember my first night home after Emily died. I had not seen Maddie for more than a few minutes for almost a week; so when I put her to bed I laid down with her and just cuddled her and rubbed her head. We both fell asleep this way and I work up about an hour later.

I miss Emily so much. It is in the normal life moments that I am reminded of how much. I go through so many days not really stopping to think about Emily, but then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I will be holding Samantha, and looking into her sweet face and she smiles at me and I am sad that I never got to see Emily's first smile, I never even got to see her eyes.

I am so thankful that I have been blessed with the chance to mother Maddie and Samantha. And I am thankful for the 23 weeks 3 days and 10 hours that I got to have Emily Faith in my life.

Samantha Ann is Here

It is hard to believe that our little peanut is almost a week old. I have tried several times to get on here and update that she had been born, but it seemed like every time I sat down my attention was needed else where.

Samantha Ann

January 30, 2012 at 8:37am

7lbs 2 oz

20 inches long

Only minutes old

Sleeping baby

Sisters

This was the most uncomplicated pregnancy, labor and delivery. The only hiccup in the whole process is that my husband was sick. For a few weeks I had been telling people that I was pretty sure that the baby would be born either January 30 or January 31, not sure why, I just had an intuition.

On Sunday, January 29 I had a lot of things planned to get done, including a clothing exchange to get clothes for both girls. I made it through the clothing exchange, but I had a lot of contractions during the exchange. But I was convinced that they were false labor and just went on with my night. I finally went to bed about 11pm hoping to get some sleep and thinking the contractions would probably go away. Well they did not go away, and at 2am I decided I would take a bath and start timing my contractions. They started at 7 - 8 minutes apart, but quickly went to 4 - 5 minutes apart. By 3pm I decided we should go to labor and delivery just to be on the safe side. The worst would be that they would just send me home. So I woke up my husband and told him we needed to go. (Did I mention that he had been sent home from work on Sunday with a fever? Plus he had a cough, not a good way to have my birthing coach. Despite how he was feeling, he never let it show and was such a great support to me).

Once my mom got to the house to watch our other daughter we headed to the hospital. By 4am I was admitted to the hospital and was 4cm dilated and 80% effaced. My doctor came by at 7am and checked me and I had progressed to 6cm and completely effaced. About 8am he came back and broke my water, not long after I started pushing and after only 6 pushes Samantha Ann was born at 8:37am.

They placed her on my chest as soon as she was born. It was such a wonderful experience. I got to hold her and just marvel that our baby girl was here and healthy. They hospital recently changed their policy and the baby now stays in the room for everything. It was awesome to be able to see or hear her all the time. The only time she left my room the whole time I was in the hospital was the first night for a few minutes to do her hearing test and check her weight. I am so in love with this little girl.

Just a little over 24 hours after she was born we were both released to go home. Life with two little girls at home is so wonderful. Our oldest took to her sister immediately, it was instant love. Maddie wants to hold and hug and kiss her sister all the time. She is also such a big helper. If it is something that the baby needs she is more than willing to go get it.

Over the course of the pregnancy we went through a lot of names. We always agreed on the names, but we just could not narrow it down to one or even two. The morning we went to the hospital we still had 5 names on our list. As with our other two girls our first choice was not what we ended up going with. In the end we decided on Samantha Ann. One of the primary reason why we decided on Samantha Ann was the meaning. Her name means God heard and He has favored me. I think the meaning fits this little life that we were blessed with after such a tragedy a year ago.

I miss Emily Faith like crazy, and wish she was still here with us, but I am so thankful for our Samantha Ann, our little rainbow after the rain.

One Year Ago

Dear Emily,
It has been a long time since I wrote you a letter. But tonight a letter seems the most appropriate way to express how I feel. I am just 16 days away from my due date with your baby sister. That's right you are going to be a big sister. I have wondered since I got pregnant with you sister if I would deliver her on your birthday. I have prayed that it would be your day and that you and your sister would not have to share the date. At this point it does not look like she is coming tomorrow, but a lot can change fast.
I have been functioning really well the last few months. I miss you so much, but life has gone on and soon we will have a new little one in our family. Welcoming your baby sister does not mean that we will love you any less or think of you any less, but life is going to change for us again. Oh how I wish you were here with us celebrating your first birthday. But if you were here with us, then I would not be pregnant with your baby sister. I know that God had a plan for your short life and I also know He has a plan for your baby sister, who will be joining or family soon.

I have been thinking about you a lot today and how much you changed my life and our family's life in your short 23 weeks 3 days and 10 hours of life. I am so thankful to be your mommy. I can't wait until I get to see you again in Heaven.

I love you forever and always,
Mommy

Tomorrow is Emily Faith's 1st birthday. Life has been so busy and crazy lately and I have been so focused on my current pregnancy and getting us all moved in before little Neptune is born that I have not spent much time thinking about how we would commemorate Emily's birthday and death. I was even at the point where I was not sure I wanted to do anything. But tonight it has hit me hard. It was a year ago that I was in the hospital and we were making a final decision about her name. A year ago was a rough night for me, I had contractions all night and the next morning it became obvious that I would be delivering that day, January 26th.

Up until a few days ago I had really thought that I would have a brand new baby at home by now. I never thought that I would make it this far in a pregnancy. I am so excited that I have, but at the same time I really wish I was holding this baby, and that there was not the chance that this little one could be born tomorrow. I had it all planned out, but I know God has other plans, and while His plans don't always fit with mine...His are perfect. I know this little girl will come at the perfect time for her.

I have decided that we will keep tomorrow simple. Maddie and I are going to make cupcakes with pink frosting and then when my husband gets home from work tomorrow night we will release three pink balloons for Emily. The rest of the day I plan to keep as normal a schedule as I can. I think it is what is best for our whole family.

I am not sure what to expect from tomorrow, but I know that it is probably going to be a bit of a difficult day.

A Move & Full Term

I think that if you asked most people they would say that a women in her third trimester who decides to move is crazy. Well I am that crazy women. But it came down to moving a month after the baby is born or just before and we decided that the least crazy option was to move before her arrival. I am thankful though that it was not a long distance move. We only moved about 5 miles, but even a move that small requires work (packing, move everything, and then unpacking). It is like nesting to the extreme.

I have been surprised at how much energy I have actually had the last week, that's right we started moving just about a week ago, when I was 36 weeks pregnant. We (when I say we I mean my husband and some of his friends, I was very good to only life light items) moved all of our large furniture on Sunday and that was also our first official night sleeping in our new place. Since Sunday I have been working like a mad women trying to get everything unpacked, since I know it is only a matter of days or weeks until our little girl decides to join our family.

And as the title suggests, today I am considered FULL TERM. I never thought I would get to say that. Now our little girl can come anytime. We are moved in, almost completely unpacked and I reached a milestone in pregnancy that I never thought I would.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive during this pregnancy. I am so excited for this year 2012. As a friend of mine said to me last night "hopefully this will be a year of healing and happiness." There are so many baby loss moms who are expecting their rainbow baby or babies, it is so exciting.   

More Pregnant Than I Ever Have Been

Last Wednesday I was finally more pregnant than I ever have been. It is so strange to me to be this pregnant. I am entering a whole new territory. I guess all along I just assumed that I could not carry a baby to full term. Now I am starting to think that maybe my body can do it. On Friday I will be 37 weeks and considered full term.
There are moments when I will stop and think I have not felt the baby move in awhile and then worry. I think it is natural to worry a bit, even though I wish I wouldn't. Usually if I eat or drink something and lay down for a few minutes she starts to move and I feel much better.
One of my hopes for this pregnancy was to be huge and miserable. Well, I feel huge. I am not really miserable, just uncomfortable. But I am not complaining. I am so thankful for this little life growing inside me and for every moment that I am pregnant.

In just 10 days it will be one year since Emily was born and then died. It is so strange to me that it has already been a whole year. So much has happened in the last year. Life has changed so much. I miss my little girl so much, but know that her sister would not be about ready to make her appearance if we had not lost Emily.

I have been thinking a lot about how I want to celebrate Emily's life and remember her. But I am just not sure what I want to do. I have thought about making pink cupcakes and having a private family time and also doing a balloon release. Then I think about the fact that I will be almost 38 weeks pregnant and could even possible be in the hospital on January 26th (Emily's Birthday).

I think I have come to the conclusion that I will have things ready to celebrate on January 26th and then see where I am on that day.

32 Weeks and Random Musings

I can't believe it has been almost two months since I last posted. It is also so hard for me to believe that in just 10 days it will be 11 months since we lost Emily. It has almost been a year. Where has the time gone? This has sure been a year of ups and downs.

The good news is that I am still pregnant. I have now made it to 32 weeks with no complications. When this whole pregnancy began it seemed like forever until we would get to welcome a new life into our family and now here I am just 8 short weeks away from my due date. While I have a lot less worry than I did in the beginning of this pregnancy, I still feel on edge about when our little girl is going to make an appearance. If she is born when her oldest sister was, I only have 3.5 weeks left.

A few weeks ago I was in the baby's room working on getting things organized and I realized that this is the first baby I have really been able to prepare for. It actually feel kind of strange. With our first, Maddie, we did not find out the gender so getting things ready looked a lot different. We bought a crib and a dresser and had both set up, but we had not had a baby shower yet when Maddie made her appearance and so we really were not ready...

When I was pregnant with Emily we found out at 21 weeks we were having a girl and then two weeks later she was born. That did not really give us anytime to even begin to get ready for her arrival. We had created a registry and I had bought a few clothing items, but that was it. A few months after we lost Emily I finally packed up the few things we had bought for her.

With this pregnancy I have been sewing and organizing and washing since we found out we were having another girl. My life was really made easy this time since most of Maddie's clothes will work for this baby since they will both have been born in the same season. I have moments of "what if she comes out a he", because the ultrasound technician was wrong. But those are not very often, but it has crossed my mind. I would love a boy just as much, it would just cause me a moment or two of "what are we going to do?" But we would just take it in stride.