Grief into Joy

...CONTINUED (from the previous post, if you have not read the previous post "Before" click here)

Just like a blog title can tell you something about what is going to be written below so can the titles inside the Bible. The title of John 16:16-33 is The Disciples' Grief Will Turn to Joy (NIV). Most people do not expect to see the words grief and joy in the same sentence, I mean really. It is basically an oxymoron (which is a word that I love, I mean, such a cool word to mean combining contradictory terms. But I digress).

How many people actually use the word joy and grief in the same sentence, in a normal day, outside of Church?

Probably not to many.

For John 16:16-33 that title really says it all. So that you don't have to take time to look up the verses here they are for you:

The Disciples’ Grief Will Turn to Joy

Jesus went on to say, “In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”

At this, some of his disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,’ and ‘Because I am going to the Father’?” They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.”

Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’?Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

“Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father.”

Then Jesus’ disciples said, “Now you are speaking clearly and without figures of speech. Now we can see that you know all things and that you do not even need to have anyone ask you questions. This makes us believe that you came from God.”

“Do you now believe?” Jesus replied. “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

What a bunch of loaded verses.

I don't think it was an accident that I chose to write the last post and consequently looked up John 16:33 and then decided to see what the context was. The fact that Jesus compared the disciples grief to a women in labor...Labor is hard. I have been through it twice now, neither time with any pain meds, so I have felt the full effects. I can understand the comparison. There were times during labor that I was ready to give up and wanted an easy fix, some thing to take the pain away. Similarly, like I said in my last post about just forgetting so that the pain would go away, my pain of grief.

The joy comes when that child is born, and the pain is forgotten. For me I see the joy in several ways. The first and most obvious is that I will have joy when I am reunited with Emily when we are in Heaven. But another joy is in continuing to live life and focus on the fact that her life had meaning and that the Lord can use her short live and her death to impact His Kingdom. For me, the pain will still be there until we are reunited in Heaven, but with the Lord's help and time it will hurt less.

Jesus told the disciples a lot more than they could comprehend and at times this overwhelmed them, but in verse 33 He told them why. He told them those things, "so that they could have peace in Him." We do not always have to understand what has happened, but He has promised that in those times He will give us peace knowing that he has overcome the world.

I have one last thing to share about these verses that I have kind of applied to myself. Jesus said in “In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”

For me: I got to see Emily for a time, now I no longer see her, but in a little while I will see her again. I am sure this is not what the verse means in any way, shape, or form. But I am sure you understand what I am getting at, it is a comfort to me.

Before

Over the last several weeks I have had this though several times, it is not a happy thought and in all honestly it is kind of dark.

In those moments when I am feeling sad or overwhelmed I sometime think it might be easier if we just went back to life the way it was before I even got pregnant with Emily. Life was easier before we knew this pain, it was less complicated and we were so naive. I stop and think, "she was only alive, both inside me and on the outside world, for such a short time...why are we so impacted by it"

I am not saying that I wish to forget about Emily or everything that we have gone through, but it would maybe make it hurt less and life would be easier, at least in my crazy brain.

Those are my thoughts in dark, painful times. But then I am reminded of how much I have learned and grown already since Emily's life and death. I think about how much more open my heart is to God and all the He has to say to me. I think about all the amazing women I have met and the strength that I have gotten just from reading about their stories of surviving and remembering the short lives of their children.

The Lord has never promised us that life will be easy, in fact, John 16:33 says “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

We can take comfort in the fact that HE IS and even when we have trouble, HE IS.

This sure was not the direction I had intended to take when I started writing this post, but as has been the case many times over the last few weeks, I really feel that the Lord directs the direction of my posts. Sometimes I read back over what I wrote and am amazed that I actually wrote that.
After I looked up the John 16:33 reference to make sure I got the verse correct I decided to go back and read the context of that verse. I often find that a verse can be taken out of context and applied to our lives in any way we see fit. But if you actually go back and look at the context you can often learn something more, or realize what you thought the meaning was is not really the meaning at all.

I am going to make this a "To Be Continued" post, because I feel that John 16:16-33 and what I got out of it needs its own post.

So...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Frozen

Before I got pregnant with Emily I used to coupon. I was not a crazy coupon lady (though, there really is one...The Crazy Coupon Lady. You can check her out here.) but I did get some great deals. I would spend several hours a week cutting coupons and looking for deals.

During my pregnancy I was super tired, more so than when I was pregnant with Maddie. Plus we moved a month after we found out we were pregnant. So a lot was going on in the Fall of last year and my couponing suffered. Sure I still used coupons from time to time, but not to the extent that I used to. Then when I went into the hospital using coupons got put on hold completely. Once I got home I just did not care and so the coupons stayed unused.

This week, almost 6 weeks later, I decided that I was going to start using coupons again. I purchased several newspapers, I spent part of Sunday cutting coupons and organizing them (there were a lot of expired coupons in my binder). Then on Sunday (yesterday) afternoon I went to the store. My husband was home so he watched Maddie so I could go to the store by myself. I am so glad that Maddie was not with me at the store.

Shortly after I got to the store I found myself in the frozen food section. I was trying to figure out a deal and make sure I had all the right coupons, and that it was really a good deal, when my brain just sort of stopped. I was in the frozen food section for awhile. I am not really sure how long, but it was like my brain would not function.

I have read that after the loss of a child things that you once enjoyed sometimes do not bring the same joy or excitement. This was the first time that I was actively aware of not enjoying something and not being able to function. It felt so strange. I just stood in the same place in the frozen food section and tried to think what I need to do next.

I did eventually get going again and finished the shopping AND I saved 47% at check out. I felt good about that. After this experience I realize that I cannot rely on my brain like I used to. I used to be able to go to the store without a list and come home with everything I had gone to the store for.

When I got home I unloaded the car and then I finally let myself cry. I was am so frustrated that things that used to be easy seem hard and things that I used to enjoy, just do not create the same excitement in me anymore. This lack of interest and control in my life is really hard for me to comprehend since I am so OCD about so many things. I know that I just need to let go and not be so controlling in my life.

I think that area is one place where the Lord is really working. He is showing me that I DO NOT and CANNOT have control over everything in my life. I need to leave it in His hands and allow him to give me the strength to get through or to not hold on so tightly.

So here I am crazy brain and all trying to "Let go and let God."

Feeling So Alone

Have you ever been in a group of people, yet felt completely alone? I think that grief can be very much like that. Over the last few weeks I have discovered that so many women have suffered through the loss of a child and I can identify with so many of them. Yet even though I identify with them there is a sense of still being alone. I think this is because even though we have all gone through something similar, each of our actual experiences and our journey through grief is different.

In the days following Emily's death so many people wrote saying that they were thinking and praying for us. We received many cards in the mail and so many e-mails and even messages on Facebook. These meant so much to me. I cried every time I read what someone had written to us, but it was so comforting to know how many people cared about us.

I know that people are still praying for our family and that they really do care, but few people actually tell me this on a regular basis and even less send an encouraging word my way. I do not mean to offend anyone and this is not directed at anyone specific, this is just an observation I have had. I think that people often do not know what to say to me and so they say nothing at all.

I understand those people who do not say anything. I used to be one of those people. If someone I knew had suffered a miscarriage or the loss of a sibling or parent I had a hard time talking to them. I really just did not know what to say, and I did not want to say the wrong thing. So I get it, I understand, but I would actually rather you risk saying the wrong thing than have you avoid me.

I recently found an article that I think is very helpful in addressing what to do and what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a child. I would like to share it with you. I have done some editing to it, to fit what I am feeling and thinking.

These suggestions and strategies are intended to help you understand what may be helpful to a grieving person.

• Please do not ignore or avoid me. I am grieving a terrible loss and do not want to grieve your absence as well.
• If you do not know what to say or do, tell me. "I do not know what to say or do." I don't either, but your presence and patience are comforting.
• If I start to cry, do not feel like it is your fault for talking to me. I cry a lot and you did not cause my tears. Stay with me while I cry. If we are in public and I can't get hold of my tears, take me someplace quiet where we can sit down and then sit with me.
• If you get uncomfortable, please do not leave. Grief is just uncomfortable.
• If I ask you to help me in some way, please do it if you can. If you can't, please look for someone else who can. It is terribly difficult to ask for help, and if I actually do make a request, I really need it.
• If I do not ask for help, ask me, "Can I help you with anything?" If I say no, ask again. If I say no again, don't believe me. Find a close friend who knows me well and inquire about ways to help: practical stuff, emotional support, or fun distractions like a trip to the coffee shop may be in order.
• Just show up for a visit. I often need a distraction from my grief and would welcome your company.
• If you only have 30 free minutes, I don't mind. I will appreciate whatever company you can offer me.
• Let me talk about Emily and listen as I tell you stories.
• Please do not say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it is. Tell me you are sorry for the death of Emily.
• If I get mad at you or say something hurtful, please forgive me. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone, especially someone who is willing to be with me. I am just hurting so much and it comes out in inappropriate ways sometimes.
• Please accept that I will feel angry, sad, numb, crazy, and many other things. This will make you uncomfortable, but please don't avoid me. I am more uncomfortable than you can imagine right now.
• Please remember significant dates associated with my loss.
• The anniversary of our loss.
• The birthday of Emily
• My due date and remember it. . .for years to come.
• My birthday, holidays, especially Mother's Day and Father's Day.
• Do not avoid speaking of Emily. I really want to talk about her.
• Do not fear you will remind me of my loss, for it is always with me.
• If I do not feel up to discussing Emily or grief, accept my feelings and move on to another topic.
• If you wish to do something beyond offering me your friendship and ear, make a donation to a specific cause. If you are interested in this please ask me. There are several organizations that I feel very strongly about.
• Release a balloon in memory of Emily, and write me a note that you did this.
• Be patient with me. I will not be better all at once. I will seem better, then I will seem worse. I will seem at peace, then I will be suddenly angry. In fact, I may never be the same again. Please don't expect me to be. And please, please do not suggest that I should.
• But most of all, pray for and with me. More than any other gesture, I find comfort in your prayers and presence.

I am thankful for everyone in my life and my hope is that you find this post helpful. I also hope that this post helps you in the future if someone else in your life suffers a loss.

If you would like to do any more reading on how to help a friend or loved one who has suffered a loss of a child you can check out this site (Cora's Story). There is some great information here written by a mother who lost her daughter less than a month after she was born.

A Way Out

I have not opened my Bible much since Emily died. This is not an act of rebellion, it is simply I have not felt much like reading my Bible. I have days where I am angry at God, but being angry is also not the reason I have not opened my Bible much recently.

With that being said, I know that the Lord knows where I am right now and He has provided other ways for me to be in the Word and to be ministered to through His Word. In my last post I mentioned the blog "Pray Date," this blog has become a daily place for me to go and be ministered to. Most days the verse touches my heart in some way. I was also given a daily devotional by my sister shortly after Emily died. A few days after she gave it to me I looked at it. And then I just kind of forgot about it. Yesterday my sister text me and shared with me that that day's passage had really given her comfort, (she also has the same devotional). So I picked it up and read it. It was very timely for yesterday for me as well. It is these little ways that the Lord is showing me how much He cares and that he wants to meet me right where I am.

Today's verse on Pray Date is a verse that meant a lot to me in the days following Emily's death and I still think about this verse often. It is 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."

If you have spent much time talking with me in the past few weeks you have probably heard me make some reference to this verse. Maybe not the exact verse, but things like I truly believe that the Lord knew how much we could handle and he did not give us more than we could handle.

He has also given us a "way out", so that we are about to bear it (Emily's death). For me the way out has been blogging, and connecting with other moms who have also lost a child. Another way out for us has been our other child, Maddie. She has been such a joy to us, we are reminded everyday by her love of life and her energy that we can make it though this time of intense grief. I truly believe she is helping us heal.

His Assurance

I did not post yesterday, so this will make up for that. (It is my goal to post everyday, but family time always comes first).

About a week ago I discovered this wonderful blog started by an amazing Christian woman. It is called Pray Date: Where Angel's Mommies Meet. Each day Katy posts a bible verse or praise song. Then anyone is welcome to comment on the verse in any way they want. This site has been a huge encouragement to me.

Today's verse was Hebrews 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

I love this verse. There is such comfort in the fact that Jesus has always been the same. We have that assurance that He is consistent and will not change; even when we are having a difficult time or even questioning our faith.

Taking Time for Me

I got my hair cut today. For me a hair cut has never been that much of a priority, in fact I have not had my hair cut since June of last year sometime. That tells you how much I really care, I don't even remember when it was exactly. I have always been one of those girls that just puts my hair in a ponytail right before I leave the house. I had purposefully not cut my hair recently; I just figured since I was having a baby being able to continue to put my hair up made the most sense. Then once we came home I just did not feel like doing much for myself and whenever I looked at myself in the mirror I thought "my hair looks fine. Sure it could use a trim, but it was fine."

Then on Monday I actually looked at  my hair and just decided enough is enough. I made an appointment to get my hair done by a women from my mom's bible study group. She did a wonderful job. If I had taken a picture I would post it, but since I don't have one, you will just have to wait until I get around to getting someone to take one of me.

It was really nice to do something for me. I have not taken very much time lately to do something for me. Mostly because I have not felt like doing much, other than be at home. It felt good to be a little bit pampered.

I am realizing that I have to take time for me and not just focus on my family and their needs. I have needs too, that often get pushed into the back ground because it is easier for me to focus on my family and not think about what I need.

I have seen this in other places in my life as well.

I spend so much time making sure that other people are doing okay, that I often forget that I need to be focusing on how I am doing and working on myself. And that doing so is not selfish, it is what I should be doing. I will continue to offer support to my friends, but I am also going to work at letting my friends know when I need help also and not just always offer up my help to them.

I have a wonderful friend who has been showing me that it is okay if I ask for help, and that if she cannot help me with something she will tell me and if it works into her day then she willingly offers her assistance. It is people like her that have been touching my life and showing me that people really do care about me.