9 Months

Our baby girl would have been 9 months old today, if she had lived. 9 months have passed, and in 3 short months will be one year. It is hard to believe that we have made it though 9 months. I know that in the beginning I never imagined that life would go on and that my grief has gotten easy to live with. It is like everyone told me in time it is easier. Time or the addition of another child to our family will not change the fact that we lost a child. I will always miss Emily. She is and will always be my 2nd child.

In the past 9 months I have seen grief sneak in at the oddest times. Times when I think I am doing great and do not expect to be bombarded with extreme sadness. The other night I was laying in bed and began to think about a dear friend, Sue, who died a few months after Emily. Her death was very unexpected. Sue had been to visit me at the hospital before Emily was born and that was the last time I got to see her. I spoke with her twice more before she died. I remember what an encouragement she was to me that afternoon in the hospital. The other night as I was thinking about her and missing her I got this image of her holding Emily in heaven. It was such a wonderful image and I am glad that she is in heaven with Emily.

I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with Emily and that I will forever be her mommy.

I love you baby girl.

24 Weeks

I MADE IT TO 24 WEEKS!!!!!! I know this is a day late, but I think better late than never. It has been in the last week or so that I have started to believe that this pregnancy is not going to be like my last pregnancy. Now every day is one more day of "baking" for our little one and each extra day increased the chance of her surviving if she is born early.

My next goal is to get to 36 weeks. Which would be when I delivered Maddie. I am okay with going to 40 weeks, but if I am totally honest, I pray that I don't go a day over 40 weeks. I want to hold this little girl in my arms as soon as I can, and in my mind the soonest I should be holding her is February 10, 2012. If she comes a bit sooner that is fine by me, I am just praying that it is not too soon.

I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday. It went great. I currently have only gained 6lbs. I am pleased with this number, it means I am averaging a pound a month, which is not bad at all. Her heart beat was nice and strong. And Dr. P surprised me by saying he wanted to check my cervix again, since it had been a awhile since it had been checked. I am still measuring 4+cm (anything over 3cm is fantastic at this point in the pregnancy).

Up to this point I have called our baby peanut or little one, mostly because I was not sold on the nickname my husband has been using for our baby girl. But I have found myself calling her by his nickname more and more. At our first ultrasound, when I was pregnant with Maddie, Ron dubbed our growing baby "Iggy." Not sure where that came from but it stuck and since we did not find out the gender of Maddie until she was born that is what we called her until she was delivered and was named her.
I honestly don't remember what Emily was dubbed during the pregnancy and I am really saddened by that fact. I don't know if Ron never gave her a "name" or if I just don't remember what it was.
From the very beginning of this pregnancy Ron has been calling our growing child "Neptune." Just like with "Iggy" I have no idea where it came from, but "Neptune" it is. Even Maddie has started calling the baby "Neptune."

We have decided that just like with our other two girls that we will not name her until she is born. We have talked about names, but nothing is set in stone until we meet our little girl. So until then she will be Neptune.

In One Week

I look at the date of my last post and feel guilty that I have not written in so long. It has been 15 days since I have written. I used to write every day, sometimes more than once in a day. The last time I wrote I had all these ideas for posts, but I did not follow through and now the ideas are gone.

One week from today I will be as far along with this pregnancy as I was when I delivered Emily (23 weeks 3 days). Then it will be only 4 more days until I am 24 weeks pregnant. I have spent a lot of time trying not to think about the upcoming week, but it is there in the back of my mind trying to creep in during those quite not so busy moments. This pregnancy is progressing wonderfully. I have had one tiny scare just over a week ago. I thought I saw some spotting first thing in the morning. But then there was nothing the rest of the day and has been nothing since. So I wonder if I imagined it...

I feel our little girl moving a lot these days. This is such a different experience for me to feel so much so early. With our first two pregnancies I had an anterior placenta and so the baby's movements were often blocked from me feeling them in the front. In fact I was at least 22 weeks pregnant the first two times before I felt consistent movement. This time it has been confirmed that I have a posterior placenta, and because of this I have been able to feel our little one moving since around 15 weeks. It is such a comfort to feel her moving.

Each day with this little life inside is a gift and I am enjoying each day.