Half Way There

Friday marked the 20 week mark. We also had our anatomy scan ultrasound. From what I could see on the ultrasound every thing looks good. The baby is measuring right on for the dates that we already have set. We will see the doctor on Thursday to confirm that everything looks good from the ultrasound.

We also confirmed what my husband and I have felt a long. We are having a GIRL. We are so excited to have another little girl in the family. Now to pick out a name. my husband and I have been talking in the evening about names, but we have nothing pinned down yet. Plus we have waited to name our other two until after they were born. We have an idea of names, but we want to meet our baby before we give her a name. So in the mean time my husband has decided our little one will be called Neptune. I have not explanation for this name, just one day he started calling the baby this, and it has stuck. Even Maddie is calling the baby "baby Neptune." It is really cute.

I am so happy to finally be half way through this pregnancy, I want to meet our little girl so much. I am enjoying each day that I am pregnant and now being able to feel our little one moving is helping keep me calm. But I think that these next four weeks are going to be a bit hard. It was the week following our anatomy scan with Emily that everything started to fall apart; all those early morning trips to the ER and the multiple hospital admissions. I am so thankful that it is not the same time of year, but I will feel much better once we get past 24 weeks. I know that there are no guarantees after 24 weeks but our little one's chances of survival increases every week after 24 weeks and that will bring me some comfort.

I am really going to try and write more in the future. I feel bad that I have been neglecting this blog lately, but I have just not felt much like writing and it seems like if I go one day without writing it is so much easier to go another day and then another one. On another blog I follow the author actually addressed this issue of it being hard to get back into writing once you take a day off, so that is why she writes every day, because if she didn't then there would always be an excuse for not writing the next day. So with that said, I am not promising to write each day, but I will try to write at least once a week and see if I can get back up to once a day.

A Giveaway on the PAIL Blog Directory

After Emily's death I knew I wanted to do something to honor Emily and to reach out to other families who have suffered the loss of an infant. After thinking about it for many months I decided to create a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory. A place where families could connect with others who had gone through a similar loss. The directory has been up and running for about 4 months now, and is growing slowly. To aid in the growth of this resource I have decided to host a giveaway on the blog directory.

If you have a moment please visit the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Blog Directory. The information about the giveaway is posted there now.

When You Least Expect It...

It always seems that my emotions creep up when I least expect them. Today was the first day of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). Last year, the first day of MOPS fell on September 9th. I remember this day because it was right after MOPS that I got a positive pregnancy test (this was my pregnancy with Emily). So official I have been pregnant for basically a year, (minus the 4 months between pregnancies). But that is a long time to be pregnant and not have a baby in your arms. I am counting the days until I get to hold a baby in my arms again.

My emotions were already a bit high to start with and then our leader shared with us that one of the other moms, who is almost 33 weeks pregnant, was being airlifted to the same hospital I was airlifted to, due to pre-term labor. I just lost it, I had to leave the room because I was crying so hard. I got myself under control and went back into the room, where I started to cry all over again. I am so thankful for the women that came and gave me hugs and just let me cry. I was finally able to get myself under control, and had a wonderful morning of fellowship and fun. But A. is on my mind and in my prayers.

I know that A. is in one of the best hospitals in the state to care for her and her baby, if he is born early, but it still hits me hard. I am praying like crazy for her and her baby boy.

Just when I think I am doing really well, something comes out of nowhere and knocks me down again.

The "Right" Thing is not Always Right

I feel like I have had a writer's block the last month or so. It was not until last night that I finally figured out why I have not been able to write or really even visit this blog very often. This blog has always been a place for me to come and share my feelings about Emily, how I am feel about losing her, how I am grieving and our life after Emily. But recently I have not felt like sharing. I have even been dreading this upcoming week. I am so thankful to my husband for finally putting words to his, as well as my feelings about the next week. In case you are lost, the memorial service put on by the hospital where we delivered Emily is this coming Thursday, September 15.

I wish I could put into words how I have been feeling the last month. I am just not sure what the words are. I have been almost dreading going to the memorial service. Weeks ago I wrote about how I felt like this memorial would be a final goodbye to Emily. But the truth is I don't need a "finally goodbye." I know where my daughter is; She is in heaven with Jesus. She is in the best place possible for her. I would love to have her here on this earth with our family, but she is in such a better place. We made a decision about what to do with Emily's physical body in the hospital on January 27th. For our family it was the right choice.

Since finding out about the memorial I have felt like the "right" thing to do is go to the service, but I have not been anticipating it, I have been dreading it. For me it is not going to be a closure or a goodbye; that has already happened. Emily is in my heart and I don't need a place to go to remember her. I remember her every day. With all of that said we have decided not to attend the memorial. I can't even express the pressure and dread that has lifted since we made this decision. It is like I was forcing my self to go through a motion for someone else and do what everyone would expect me to do. But my grief is not about everyone else, it is about me. That is one thing I have learned in the months since Emily's death; everyone processes a loss and deals with grief differently and no one should be made to feel like what they are doing or not doing is right or wrong.

It has been 7 months, 2 weeks and 2 days since we lost our sweet little girl. So much has happened in the life of our family. We have gone from extreme sadness and grief to such joy and anticipation for the future. The Lord has truly blessed us in the months since Emily's death. Losing a child is something that I wish no parent every had to experience, but the loss has changed me as a person and while I wish these changes could have come about in a different way I am happy with who I am.

Sweet Emily,
Momma loves you so much. I am so thankful that you were in our life for even the short time that you were. I miss you so much, but at the same time I love thinking that you will never know the pains of life. You are in a perfect place, at the feet of Jesus. And one day we will get to see you again. I am excited for that day, but know you are in great hands until that day.

Love your mom